Western Women and Foreign Asian Men

So there has been a lot of talk, articles, and some books instructing and encouraging Asian men in the art of attracting a westernized female.  But rarely do you see anything directed specifically at westernized women who are interested in Asian men. So I thought I would explore this topic a bit, because it seems to me that women should play a big part in attracting an Asian male as well.

Let’s take a step back and think about how the average Asian male is presented in westernized society. In movies and TV, Asian men are mostly seen as side kicks, gangsters, martial artists, and anything but the type of guy that would come along and romance a westernized women.  So when it comes to a women’s natural instinct to be attracted to a sexually competent man, Asian men have not taken center stage in this regard (even though we know Asian men are just as good lovers as any man).  Further, when it comes to a man’s physical appearance, westernized culture has taught women to look for tall, well dressed, men with more stereotypically masculine features. Again we often find that some Asian men are shorter then the average westernized women, thinner in body build, and have less stereotypical masculine features then their white male counterparts. Despite all this, many women actually find these more traditional characteristic of Asian men attractive. Yes, really, I am not joking…How many times do I hear women say I love Asian eyes, hair, and features? How many times do I hear westernized women say they are interested in Asian cultures?  I hear it quite often.

So as a women what’s stopping us from taking that step to talk to an Asian man we may find attractive? Traditionally men were supposed to make the first move, initiate contact, but this is a modern era where women are running companies, and changing the world! So as far as I am concerned there is no excuse for not approaching a man when you are interested. Most westernized women are raised to be friendly and confident, so you go girl! Ok wait, that’s all well and good, but what if I don’t know how he will respond to me. Maybe he still has a traditional way of thinking and would never consider being with a westernized women. What if he has some feelings of inferiority because I make more money then him? (Which can often happen for those men who live in china, and etc..) What if he has had a bad experience with other westernized women? Would he even be willing to give me a chance?

Theses are questions I know run through every woman’s mind when she is interested in a man from Asia. No matter how much she may know about the culture, language, foods, and etc, she still has reservations. The same reservations an Asian man may have about westernized females.  So, when you really look at the situation its kind of funny because the very things that we are attracted to are the things that sometimes keep us from making that move to talk to that guy.  If you have ever talked to any AMWF couples you will find that there is usually never a problem with blending cultures, that each is open and accepting of each other. They are dedicated and committed to a long lasting relationship, and are willing to work hard to keep each other happy. So let me ask you, what is stopping you from removing the barriers of stereotypes, from talking to that cute Asian guy….nothing… right!

TCAI – Part II

I’ve decided that I should update the information based on my previous breakdown of the four male archetypes. If you missed the first part of this, click here for “TCAI Deconstructed” to learn more.

The general breakdown was to acknowledge that there are roughly four predominant types of Asian men. Each Asian male has a unique blend of all four types, but one of them is usually dominant. This is definitely not to say that an Asian male must permanently remain as one type. To change requires some time, but definitely can be done.

The numbers game

As you would expect, the illustration created before was to reflect the relative proportion of the male archetypes. The most popular would be the technophiles. When I speak of technophiles, it is just a general statement of our association with technology and knowledge. We love the latest gadgets, video games, computers, cars, and others things related to electronics really because there’s this intuition. Things just made sense. This also applies to many other fields math and natural science related. Their technical knowledge is astounding.

Unfortunately the biggest drawbacks would be their lack of athleticism and social skills.  If you don’t mind sharing the occasional geeky moment with them, by choosing a technophile you will be rewarded with an extremely loyal and generous partner.

With the comedians, these are the extroverts of the Asian bunch. There is nothing more they like other than to be loved by others. With their strength of humor, they have this natural ability to have people gravitate towards them. They are easy to approach, yet very playful in their words.  What you will also notice in this group is their loyal following of mainstream luxury brands. They are always trendy, and have this fresh approach to their style. There is this natural confidence to them that women find attractive.

However, sometimes being a White Female you may question their methods. Since he is so outgoing, sometimes it’s difficult to get his attention while at social gatherings. The way he treats one female is almost identical as another.  Somehow the lines become blurred between a friend and someone he has a deep romantic interest with. Your job as the White Female is to reel him into reality and make sure he remembers who you are. Either play second fiddle or show him who is boss.

The final two ambitious and individuals are uncommon and rare respectively. Most encounters with Asian men are technophiles or comedians, but when you do run into the ambitious or individual you will be in for a surprise.

Ambitious Asian men can be spotted easily.  Unlike their comedian counterparts, ambitious Asian men have strong goals outlined for them. Instead of being loved, they want to be respected and revered. The ambitious have spent years slaving away at education and careers, so they believe they have every right to reap the benefits of their hard work. You will find them always arriving late to parties with the intent of being noticed by everyone as they proudly walk in.  Yes they are confident, but it often it is misunderstood as cockiness or down right brash arrogance. Sometimes you will sense an elitist tone, but only because they place such strong expectations on themselves, and really hope that everyone also does the same. These men dislike being dominated, and the occasional ego stroke is as good as a back rub. While this may not be the ideal matchup for everyone, it is a wild and exciting ride.

If you happen to meet the individual archetype, you may be how unique he truly is. This type of guy is just like no other. He clearly has his own identity, choices of words, and means of expression. He doesn’t live to be loved or respected, but does things to understand himself and the entire world. In a sense, he wants to progress society, or bring about change. Being outgoing or reserved is absolutely of no relevance to them. Usually they have found one form of media to express themselves. These kinds of guys can make trends before the mainstream adopt it years later. What this type of Asian male really needs is to be acknowledged as unique, and needs the freedom to express. At worst he may be engrossed in his mode of expression, but he truly loves what he does, and he loves you even more because you enable him to be with the things and people he loves.

The bottom line: Find out what kind of Asian male you’re attracted to and give him what he needs.

How to Attract Asian Guys

I talk to many women and they all tell me the same things. They are interested in Asian men but don’t know how to approach them, or even if they can approach them. They worry if he will even be receptive to their advances, and wonder if he had ever considered dating outside his race. So I thought I would make what sometimes can be a complicated thing, simple. Here are some tricks of the trade which have worked for me. Enjoy!

Firstly, it is a good idea to let him know you date outside your ethnicity. Some Asian men are hesitant to ask you out because they think you probably only date men in your own ethnic group. Crazy right… so many women think Asian men don’t want to date them, when they actually do. A good way to let him know you’re interested is to casually mention it. I always like to say that I find “Asian men sexy”… anything like that will do the trick, and he will get the picture that race is not an issue for you in your relationship choices.

Secondly, expressing an interest in his culture and background will also make him feel at home and comfortable. Perhaps you enjoy eating Asian foods, maybe you’ve mastered the use of chopsticks, and know about his particular culture. All that will help and give you some common things to talk about. Your interest in his native language and even asking him to help you learn it will get his attention. Plus if you let him know how sexy he sounds when he speaks to you, he will love it all the more. If your prospective Asian male is of the westernized type, doing these things will still be appreciated as it shows a respect to his heritage and also will make him feel more comfortable when it comes time to meet the family.

Thirdly, let him know that you’re interested in him for him, not just because he is Asian. You want him to know that you are attracted to him for the person he is. The best way to do this is to just straight up tell him you like X,Y,Z about him. “Hey Steven, I love the way you are always so thoughtful”. It’s really not all that difficult and as much as women love compliments, men do to. Men want you to be open and honest with them.

Lastly, taking the first steps and making contact is never a bad thing. Sometime as women we feel that the guy needs to do all the work, but in reality I have never met a man, Asian or otherwise, that would not want to talk to a girl. So feel free to invite him out as part of a group, or spend some a one-on-one time getting coffee or tea. Since typically Asian men prefer women who are a little less aggressive in nature, when you invite him out you show him that not only you are interested in him, but it gives him the that opportunity to ask you out on a more formal date. Once you have got his attention let him pursue you, because in all honesty for any man that’s half the fun.

Oh, Materialism

Just because I have preferences for Caucasian females doesn’t mean that I attracted to every single one of them. As I’ve mentioned before, what makes them so attractive to me is their qualities of communication and expression. This is not to say that Asian women do not have any of these qualities, but I have not been fortunate enough to experience it.

In terms of physical attraction, she has to be attractive. Well I’m not asking for drop dead gorgeous, but she carries herself in her feminine grace. She takes care of her physique with a balanced diet and regular exercise, and keeps a natural look in terms of makeup. Some people say that Asian men prefer straight hair on their woman, but I would say it really doesn’t matter. Perhaps if they are born and raised in Asia, then it’s something they are used to, but for me, whatever you like – just keep it tasteful. This good taste also applies to fashion as well. Women in general have a keen sense of fashion unlike their male counterparts.

What I have noticed from Asian fashion and European fashion is there’s a subtle difference in the ideologies. Asian fashions tend to have this blending in quality. The lines are smoother and less pronounced than European fashion, in a sense diverging energy away. This may not seem so apparent in North America because the style has its unique identity here – but in Asia, it’s ubiquitous. I really have no problem with that. What really drives me up the wall is materialism. The accumulation of designer purses turns me off.  How about you spend that money towards something more useful, like your mortgage or monthly utilities?

Yes, Asians have this inherent nature of respect, but beyond the general seniority rule, Asian culture somehow places emphasis on social status. In a sense, everyone would love to be wealthy, but this takes precedence over happiness in Asian culture. You could say the order of our priorities is: Job, money, social status, family, then finally “love and happiness”.

For Caucasian women, love and happiness takes higher priority – they don’t mind living comfortably without a lavish lifestyle. This is a refreshing change for Asian men who have spent a great majority of their time pursuing Asian females. The bonus is that we are still programmed to provide as an Asian male. Really, it’s because we don’t have many ways of expressing ourselves, we just want to show that we care.

The toughest part for Asian men is learning to break free of some societal expectations. We are often placed into a submissive role dominated by the female. The woman in the relationship has quite a bit of leverage. While the male is programmed for income earning, the woman dictates how the funds are managed for the household. While we may not know this, it’s instinctively programmed into the Asian male.

The bottom line, make sure you know what you want.

So I Thought She Liked Me…

As much as I have described about taking action, timing and attraction is critical. Even I admit this has happened to me. I remember years ago there was this girl I was really attracted to. She was tall, slender, and most important of all really intelligent. We met in school during our sophomore year; sort of by chance. One of my male colleagues was going on a date with a girl he asked out earlier. Turns out that girl decided to bring a female friend along and by some strange coincidence, my colleague asked me join him as well. Very well then, a pseudo double date it was – one couple to be with two tag-alongs.

Not much really happened. We walked around and hung out as a group of four, but this was only the beginning. Eventually as time passed I ended up getting some contact information and we began to communicate to each other casually via instant messaging. By freshman year, our two groups of friends merged to form a large collective. We hung out together as a group, sharing birthday parties, or special festive events. Slowly but surely something happened, she began opening up to me. I don’t quite remember what happened but I must have said something that had evoked strong feelings from her – little did I know that her parents were in the process of separating. Instead of asking the questions of what happened, I offered myself as someone she could turn to, someone to trust and confide in. That’s when something happened. The more I was with her, the more I was able to read her. It was natural, I knew what she was thinking, or feeling. Again, another summer event was on and out of the blue she asked if I wanted to attend it. Our friends who paired off were going, and she wanted to go as well. I was more than happy to accept.

Before the start of senior year, I mustered up the courage to ask her for lunch, and she agreed. I made sure I kept everything friendly. I made absolutely no advances, and put her in any uncomfortable situation. For the next few months, we spent hours communicating, sharing candid things about ourselves and great laughs as well. I would even drive her home after a night out with friends and the car ride talks were fantastic. Maybe this was something bound to work. On a physical level I did find her very attractive, and we were able to connect not only intellectually but emotionally? I think this was going to really work out. Maybe it was time to really confess my feelings.

It was a disaster. She kindly evasively said she was seeing someone else. I spent the rest of the night sulking in misery and not getting any sleep. By the next day, I met with another friend describing my situation and she told me the claim about my love interest seeing someone else was false. I was devastated – not only did I get turned down, I was lied to. I thought I read her correctly. I convinced myself that she was clearly interested in me, her body language was a yes, the conversations was a yes, and previous sequences of events led me to believe a yes as well. I was so wrong. My self-confidence took a serious beating. I was able to help so many of my friends deal with relationship problems, yet when it came to me I was absolutely pathetic.

The Aftermath

Years have passed and we eventually stopped talking to each other. Maybe on some random occasion I will run into her, but that’s only once a year. We both put the past behind us. No hard feelings towards her at all. To this day I still remember what happened and it is permanently scarred within my heart. Looking back on it, I take sole responsibility for the sequence of events. My lack of progression most likely hindered my chances. I made my move when I thought it was the perfect time and all clues seemed like it was a definite yes. What I had failed to realize is that I was completely void of passion and chemistry. It didn’t matter how nice and understanding I was, she was just really not interested in me to begin with.  Sure it was a physical, mental, and emotional match, but it was not meant to be.

Females also do go through similar situations as well. They put their heart out on the line, only to get it crushed by someone completely indifferent. However, as a male, and in particular as an Asian male, there really is no support group. In most cases this is not discussed with family, or is it shared with friends. It is a silent, private suffering.  For many, it’s very difficult to move on – it’s taken me years to finally accept it. Sometimes you just have to learn that there are things out of your control and just accept it.

Waiting for the Perfect Situation

Somehow growing up my parents never really put much emphasis on the humanities or social sciences. I was placed through rigorous extra-curricular activities often involving math worksheets. Oh the memories of that. I do have to give credit to my parents though. I never really struggled in mathematics at all, and it was probably one of my most enjoyable subjects. What made it so great was this beautiful logic and intuition. Almost everything could be derived.

The main reason why I absolutely despised writing was the fact that I could not absolutely bulletproof my arguments. It didn’t make any sense how you could just talk about anything you want by just twisting the author’s interpretation. I really did appreciate the simplicity of a bimodal system. Black or white, true or false, yes or no – things just made sense.

Now when it comes to relationships, this doesn’t quite apply – especially with an Asian male and White female.  At times the Asian male is stuck, not taking action because they feel that the perfect situation has not arrived.

Does She Like Me?

Well, there is only one way to find out if she likes you or not. You have to take action. Nothing is going to happen if you sit there and sulk or pace around your room. Repeat after me: no risk, no relationship. Now I will have to elaborate about taking action. I would say about 99% of the time if you take immediate direct action towards her, she will freak or turn you down. Now for the 1% of people who are absolutely stunning and suave, perhaps they are fortunate.

Taking action does not mean outright asking a woman out for a date. This is not a sport or a game, the objective is not to win or throw the ball over to their court. This is probably the reason why we try the alternative of a friendship developing into a relationship approach.  However, the flaw behind a friendship approach will result you remaining as a friend. This is also known as the “friend-zone”.

Now we are stuck in a dilemma: take direction action and get shot down, or try a friend approach but have absolutely no chance with her. Honestly, the truth is you have to do both. This is what makes things difficult because you need to find the fine line between too much and too little. To all my Asian males out there, you need to have confidence or at the very least, believe in yourself.  Approach a woman with respect and honesty. Give her the ability to be open to express without you showing any lack of confidence. Do not ever talk to her with implications of a hidden agenda. Women can sniff it out right away, and you will be forgotten immediately.

Striking a Balance

Finding the right approach is always tough. It really comes from experiences and a lot of failed attempts as well. Don’t be discouraged if the first time doesn’t work out for you. What’s important is that you have to learn from your mistakes, and try not to repeat them. The formula for success is individually tailored, but with fundamental elements of respect, trust, and honesty, it will go a long way.

Remember, the perfect situation never comes to you. Instead of waiting, go out there and give it a try. You might be surprised with the results.

When A Westernized Women Says “I love you”

In the Asian culture it oftentimes is a rarity to hear anyone say the words “I love you”.  Whether it is from one friend to another, or from a parent to a child, in traditional Asian culture the phrase his rarely ever expressed. It can be so rare in fact, that oftentimes even in romantic situations this verbal exchange of appreciation never occurs. So I had to ask myself why this was the case? Growing up in a westernized culture, this expression is used quite often to include many forms of love including friendship, romantic, or a strong liking for something.  This seemed the exact opposite of the traditional ways of self-expression found in Asia.

In my attempts to further understand the lack of this expressions use, often time from an AM to a WF, I came upon some interesting cultural differences that account for it. Firstly, I realized that the use of the phrase “I love you” in its traditional sense only implies a romantic status. It is not used to show appreciation or any other sentiment other than a romantic love. When such a phrase is chosen to be used, it is given with the utmost sincerity and with intent for commitment. Secondly, Asian cultures lean toward a preference to show their love through actions rather than words. Therefore it is not necessary to say how they feel when they clearly show it via actions. Thirdly, the expression of love, and many other feeling, in the past has been something that men were not encouraged to do. So a male’s comfort level in expressing ones feeling may inhibit this ability to reveal his true feelings. So If your Asian man has trouble saying it, this does not mean he does not love you, it could simply mean that it’s just a bit uncomfortable for him.

But when a westernized woman says “I love you”, as an AM you need to look a bit deeper into the situation to find out its correct meaning. Context is everything!  If she casually states it, she is just expressing her pleasure with the situation or her liking of what’s happened. If she looks into you eyes, says it and kisses you, then you know it’s a romantic sentiment. Any which way you hear it, there is always a positive connotation associated with it, but you will need to pay attention to its use. Once you understand its intent you can respond accordingly, and avoid any uncomfortable moments that may come from misunderstanding.

Silence and Acceptance

If you have spent any considerable amount of time around Asians, you’ll know that silence is usually something that’s pretty natural. I mean sure, when they get together they can be loud, talkative, and just as friendly as anyone, but if there are prolonged periods of time when no one it talking it just as natural as when they were talking.  So why make an article about it, sounds pretty normal right? Well for me that silence was something I rarely ever enjoyed and when I did have the pleasure of its presence it usually meant something entirely different.

When I was growing up people were always friendly, talkative, and sometimes you could rarely get a word in edge wise. At home there was rarely a time when someone was not talking about something, complaining about issues, or meddling in someone else’s affairs…lol yea it was true. But the only time there was ever a prolonged period of silence was when someone was in trouble. You know when you were a kid and you did something your parents were not happy with, and maybe you received some kind of reprimand for it… right? Well, when I did something like that I got the silent treatment. I can remember the look on my moms face as she would slowly turn and look away with a disapproving shake of her head, and as a kid that was kind of scary…lol…So for me, silence = you were in trouble!

When I first was introduced to the Asian family environment, not very many family members would talk to me. Perhaps it was the lack of communication skills, language, or the fact that they just didn’t know what to say to an outsider. So when I first encountered this lack of verbal communication I could not help feeling like something was terribly wrong. Did they not like me, was I in trouble? These kinds of thoughts ran through my mind because that’s what my experience had taught me.

So far many years, basically until I was married, many family members just never really talked to me, and it made me feel really uneasy at gathering and holidays.  Over time this feeling faded away because I understood that their silence was really an acceptance. If they had an issue I am sure they would have said something to someone, which I would eventually have heard about because you know nothing stays a secret in the family..lol. So this idea of silence being a way of saying “everything is fine” was just one more thing I leaned about being part of an Asian family.