The Forgotten Asian Father – Using TCAI

I was requested by a reader of our blog to write about Asian Fathers. In most situations we usually hear about the Asian mother, how she can be controlling or vicious at times – but the father always seems to be left out. As posted earlier, Asians have a family lifestyle based on many Confucian principles that have been passed generation after generation. A typical Asian parenting system segregates the mother and father into two different roles. The father would work tirelessly to provide all basic needs to the family, while the mother would be in control of all domestic issues of the household. For the families that both parents work, it’s usually a small business that both parents run together. The mother would still feel responsible for raising the children in addition to her working commitments.

Though I have talked about the Asian male using the TCAI model we have developed at AMWF Love, this still applies to the Asian father as well. The breakdown is as follows.

The Technophile Dad

Possible Occupations: Family Physician, Engineer, Systems Analyst, Chemist, Physicist, Programmer, Staff Accountant, Pharmacist, Dentist, etc.

Coupled with the Ambitious Dad, this is probably the most common type of dad you will find. The reason why they are common is the values placed on education in Asia. Good grades do get you jobs, but they are jobs that are highly technical.

Much of their work is very technical and requires a great deal of thinking and careful skill. In most cases these occupations are not harsh on physical labour, but require much mental focus. When it comes to parenting, these types of fathers would fall under the traditional setup of being the provider for household income. The mother would then take full responsibilities of the domestic issues and including the payment of bills. Many issues will default to the mother’s opinion. The father will tend to agree with her, because she knows best. You will usually find this type of father the most aloof.

Default to the mother for issues – dad has no input.

The Comedian Dad

Possible Occupations:  Emergency Medical Technician, Physical Therapist, Pediatrician, Teacher, Education Administrator, Journalist, Actor, Financial Advisor, Financial Manager, Sales Manager, Civil Servant, Computer Support Specialists, Corporate Trainer, Public Relations Specialist, etc.

Being around people invigorates this type of Asian Father. Usually extroverted they use their strong knowledge in popular culture and social skills to gather groups of people together. There are not many of these types because traditionally being introverted and meek was highly treasured in Asia. For the ones who came to North America for post-secondary, their control of English is much stronger than those who have just moved to Canada or the United States. Thus an extroverted comedian type of father is usually fairly open to interracial dating. In this case, the mother plays more of a caring and nurturing role. Fortunately there is rarely a nasty side to her – but she may mother her son too much.

This is a fairly equal split between mom and dad – but they will usually have one unified opinion with situations.

The Ambitious Dad

Possible Occupations: Surgeon, Lawyer, Auditor, Entrepreneur, General Contractor, Politician, Senior Level Executive, Professional Athlete, Business General Manager, Military Leaders, etc.

In addition to the Technophile Father, the Ambitious Dad is someone to be feared yet respected at the same time. This type of Father works tirelessly to provide for his household. He spent years slaving away at school while his friends were partying. Ambitious Fathers believe they have every right to be strict. Hard work and focus led them to success and they expect their children to follow suit. After reaping their fruits of labour, they love hosting parties to indirectly showcase their successes.

The most difficult part dealing with Ambitious Fathers is their lack of emotional nurturing. They want to be proud of their children for their successes, and also want the bragging rights as well. Failure is not an option.

You may end up with a son with strained relations with his father. He will be very disciplined from the constant disappointment of his father – and hardened by his lack of emotional love from the family.

The Individual Dad

Possible Occupations: Architect, Psychologist, Writer, Designer, Artistic Director, Pilot, Consultants, Photographers, Composer, Philanthropist, etc.

These are extremely rare types.  To be an individual requires rejecting a collectivist mindset and truly believing in himself. Beyond the analytical situations with a yes/no, true/false, debit/credit, they embrace the fact that there is a grey area. Interracial dating is not an issue for the Individual Father, but having a son who has no idea about his own heritage is unacceptable. He is very capable of expressing his viewpoint, but often does not enforce it unless it is imperative. Free thinking can get you incarcerated in various Asian countries, and as a result there are such few types of these Individuals.

Depending on what the father feels is appropriate, he will help guide his son to excellence.

Dealing with His Father

Depending on the situation, you may love or have great difficulty dealing with his dad. Definitely the toughest one to please is the Ambitious Father who places such high standards on success. As a White Female, you may have to acknowledge that he is always number one. Success in Asian culture is strongly based on material wealth (which a high paying job provides). Even the Emperor had concubines – it was a sign of respect in the Old World because a man had to support every single wife. As a female, you may have to literally jump through hoops to prove that it is truly love.

A Technophile Father will just be happy to see is son dating. He remembers how daunting the dating experience was for him. Showing love and dedication to his family will win their hearts.

The Comedian Father never runs out of stories to tell. He’s also a complete sucker for beautiful women. Perhaps he is both proud and jealous his son managed to date a White Female.

Finally the Individual type of Father will virtually have no gripes at all. His perceptive nature allows him to truly tell if it’s love or not. While the Technophile and Ambitious types tend to be more conservative, the Comedians and Individuals are much more liberal and open to change. Although my dad has elements of each of the four types of TCAI, I would peg my father to actually be closest to a comedian. He does do some crazy things, but he brings a smile to everyone’s face. My siblings ended up as the Ambitious type, but somehow I found myself to be an Individual. Anything can happen.