Waiting for the Signal – Internal Fear in Asian Men
March 14, 2011 12 Comments
While this does not apply to all Asian Men, I have seen this occurrence so frequently that I almost believe it to be normal. What I mean by this is that there is a tendency for Asian Men not to take action unless there is some positive affirmation or signal.
The Dating Process
This is probably very common, and I can attest to this myself from personal experience. When it comes to first meeting a female, the natural tendency is to be courteous, but action will not be taken if there is no hint or signal that she is even the slightest bit interested. Of course we do have situations where the Asian Male is completely oblivious (and she’s dropping so many hints), but for all intents and purposes, let’s just assume it’s the Asian Male not taking action.
When he does take action, it almost seems like it is a friendlier approach than direct interest. This is often perceived as Asian Men not being interested when in fact they were merely just trying to open lines of communication in a polite manner. Now the White Female will take this approach as insufficient interest, and will consequently look elsewhere. Suddenly the values of being well-mannered seem to work against us.
If the Asian Male has mustered enough courage to make first contact with you, he is interested. Granted the approach may end up completely disastrous, it is almost a silent offering that he is completely yours for the taking.
Taking Action
When pursing an AMWF relationship, or in fact any relationship, Asian Men have to become much more proactive in their methods. This does not mean being arrogant, but having the personal belief that success is to follow regardless of the adversities. In many cases as Asian Men, we are overcome with an internal fear of failure and shame. Yes it sounds rather stupid to a Westerner, but it comes from our upbringing. Thus, when we are presented with some positive signal to proceed, we take it. Otherwise we end up not taking any action at all.
So remove the doubts in yourself, and go and try. Mistakes are bound to happen, but that’s all part of growing up and learning.
AMWF Love 
Once you give an Asian man the go ahead, there is no stopping him! From my experiences once you let him know that our interested you will find that he will do anything and everything to make and keep you happy.He will be dedicated, loving, and very serious about you. So serious in fact that I would not be surprised that the topic of marriage will come up not to long after. So ladies…. let that Asian man know…. you wont be disappointed!
-Laura
Keep getting better! keep up the good work guys! Thanks so much!
If there’s one thing I found out from dating 2 Chinese guys, its that they love a good chase and the persueing stage is usually the most interesting part of a relationship for them. But I agree, you definitely have to drop some very clear hints before they will move into that phase
jesus, now there is more … so how do i know i gave him enough chase then?
Oh, you will know for sure, because he WILL chase.
The problem is that sometimes they can also be aggressive/manipulative and will still chase you even if you are not interested. 🙂
– Brian
Brian, you are right on the money when it comes to asian guys gaining confidence off of positive feedback from the female. As many asian males are sheltered by their parents for much of their pre-college days, they may not learn to step out of their comfort zone and make a bold move towards a girl until much later than what is considered “normal” in America. However, that does not mean they won’t make their move if the girl gives the green light. As an Asian American, it took me a long while to be able to initiate a conversation with girls I didn’t know very well. Almost all the responses I have gotten have been positive; for instance, if I initiate the conversation, the girl will respond and smile if she herself is confident or comfortable around me. This is turn has boosted my confidence and vanquished a lot of my internal fears. Even in this modern age, girls expect guys to make the first move. So for all the asian guys out there who may read this, take a chance and make the first move! 😀
I’m glad things are going well for you, Albert! 😀
Making first moves does not have to be primarily for dating relationships. Even being friendly when meeting new clients in a professional environment work as well. To me, Asians just tend to be a little more cautious and reserved before taking action. Of course this is not always the case, but there’s a quite a significant amount who tend to no express anything at all. Saying nothing or being quiet in Western society usually represents two things: either shyness or lack of confidence. Both are undesirable traits to be associated with even though we may be very confident but quiet – it is often perceived differently for others.
The only real way to change things is to take action and make things better. It does not mean you have to become cocky, but you have to do something other than sitting around. To be honest, when I was younger I was absolutely fearful of girls. If a girl said hi to me, I would just shy away. It took some time to muster up courage to talk to girls but I eventually managed. I remember asking out my first girlfriend (yes she’s Caucasian) I asked her out to a movie when our class finished, and she said yes. I was kind of surprised. Looking back I remember why she was so attractive – 5’8, athletic, and brains to go along with it. It’s a shame it was just puppy love. At the age of 14, it’s kind of too early for anything to happen. It was a very enjoyable two years with her. She ended up relocating to another country and I lost contact with her, but it wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t take a chance to make the first move.
– Brian
Related interests definitely help. Drawing stick figures help. Hints that she is single and interested in me.
Group dates. Most important is to not be afraid of rejection, and actually think of it as a blessing. The first few rejections are bound to be tough, though. Look for chances to make social contact and try to make the best out of every opportunity. Flat out asking, if you know her well enough to avoid mild embarrassment.
This article definitely reminded me my AM friend who is just taking his time.. I know he likes me, he after 3 months of talking to and seeing each other daily, asked for my number.. and then nothing much has happened ever since.. Oops, not quite, he did ask me out.. In a very indirect way.. That he will be there and there and it maybe I will be there too? And you know what? He then brough 2 friends along which got completely ignored in the end.. Poor things. What should I make of this?!? 🙂 Anyway, as you can see, I am slightly frustruted as I like this guy a lot, we always have a great chat and laugh a lot.. You blog has helped me to understand more about AM mentality, many thanks for that! If you have time, your comment and feedback will be highly appreciated. Thanks!
Hey Vee,
This AM you are talking about probably is interested in you, and I’m glad you have noticed the signals he is giving you. Obviously it is easier when he flat out expresses his feelings, but the feeling of rejection combined with shame (from friends and family) can often be a strong deterrent for Asian Males.
Usually ones who are more on the reserved spectrum tends to spend a considerable amount of time on scenario analysis. Going through every single “what if” scenario is usually what happens in our minds as Asian Males. It’s a bit strange process for Asians. The usual process starts out as hanging out, friends, and then it sort of develops into hanging around the person enough that you begin to date each other. Of course there’s a certain amount of attraction and chemistry, but when it is known that the feelings are mutual, then everything comes together.
If you are the type that would prefer if he ask you out, make it easy for him. Tell him about that movie you’re so excited to go to when it is out in theatres, or that great restaurant your friends were always telling you to try (but all your friends “just happened” to be busy).
Asian males often have problems with communication because the style in Asia has a different approach from typical North American or Western standards. What you can do is make things easier for him. Yes you may have to take a slightly more proactive role at first, but the key is to build his self-confidence in himself one step at a time. Give him some time and you will see the intensity of the relationship take a complete transformation. 🙂
If you have any other questions I’ll be happy to compile it into an article for you, Vee.
– Brian
Thanks so much Brian for your reply.
If things do move forward with this friend, I am more than happy to share some of my experience on your blog and you can add your comments and views.. or even if things don’t work out.. so others can perhaps learn from it.. 🙂 Or I can write you an email asking for some advice and you can perhaps make a post of out it? What would you prefer?
I guess I will be a be more pro-active and patient (something I lack as I have never dated AM before and this has absolutely taken me by a surprise :-)). I will stay in touch and will let you guys know how are things going! Wish me luck. 🙂
Sounds familiar to me, I went through it myself. Just enjoy the beauty and romance of it all, you just grow a new type of patience, and I think it’s great coz it will weed out your true feelings. If you are really interested, you will stick around and vice versa. I have actually been (unnaturally) patient with this guy coz I like him so much that I don’t want to show him I care too much, not to overwhelm him but lately since I have dropped some more direct hints that I want us to do things together etc, he has also reciprocated and upped his game too! Good luck!