AMWF Relationships and Children
June 10, 2011 16 Comments
In the United States About two million American children have parents of different races, including marriages between whites and Asians. So, as we are living in an era when acceptance of all colors and combinations thereof are becoming more the norm, the idea of understanding the nature of multiracial families becomes an important topic. Now for some, this may be a little premature, but as an AMWF couple you will not only understand the identity of your relationship together, but you will be responsible for your children’s sense of identity.
“What are they?” “Where did you get them?” “ Your children, they don’t look anything like you?” “Your little girl has blond hair and Asian eyes!” These are things you may very well hear people say to you, and your children will also hear it. No doubt your child will at one point or another be singled out because of his/her unique mix of Caucasian and Asian features, or because mom and dad don’t “ match”. These questions may be sporadic, and born out of curiosity than cruel intent, but will it leave your children struggling to categorize themselves? As we currently try and fit into five standard racial group: Caucasian, African America, Native American, Asian, or Latino, will our half Asian half white children feel they have no way to identify themselves?
In America’s growing generation of multiracial children I feel that children of AMWF relationships can achieve a healthy identity despite the confusing situations they may face. The old idea that being two or more racial heritages means confusion about whom he/ she is, I believe is no longer an issue. In fact, encouraging and supporting a multicultural life including becoming familiar with language, traditions, and customs, enriches your childs life. For the majority of multiracial children, growing up associated with multiple races and cultures creates an open-minded individual that can greatly contribute to healthy adult adjustment. I think that any confusion about being half white half Asian is a result of the reactions people in our society have when they can’t understand it. This sends a message that being that way is different, when in reality they are no different then any other children.
When I think about how we choose to define ourselves, it has nothing to do race at all. Sure our genetic makeup will define us in some ways, but it is not who we are. If you ever ask a child about differences in skin, hair color, or eye shape, you find that to them it’s a detail to be noted but it doesn’t actually mean anything. That way of thinking is even better then being “color blind” because to children there is no awareness of a perhaps cultural difference or sordid historical pasts between countries. Regardless of how we look, I know that our identities and the identities of our children do not need to be a factor. In choosing the AMWF relationship that means you’re white women, and you’re an Asian man, and you are choosing to have your children will be half white and half Asian. You’re choosing to introduce them to mixed cultures and all the traditions, foods, and events that are involved with that. To me, this is something we should be proud of because our children will define how our society thinks and views the AMWF relationship for generations to come.
AMWF Love 
A very relevant topic to discuss! So can a white mom tell me how they feel about having children who don’t look very much like them? Or does this change when/if you see yourself in their personality? And mixed-race adults – can you tell me how you felt and were treated when growing up? One of my friends doesn’t like the idea of having mixed-race children and says they aren’t any particular culture, but from where I stand at the moment I consider them to be BOTH cultures.
I’m going with an asian guy and these questions/issues are very important to me.
I have both mixed-race friends from AMWF families who are more Asian than I am, and others more Caucasian in terms of identity. Usually I find that the Asian portion (aside from physical features) stems from the father (and sometimes mother) placing their children in situations that allow them to learn about their Asian background. That is, the typical Asian piano/violin lessons, martial arts, Asian-language Saturday morning classes, or just placing them into an Asian populated school.
Being accepted into a group of Asians is less about physical appearances, and more of the willingness to adopt an Asian communal mentality. To an extreme level that meant integrating into Asian society, but perhaps that’s for Asia, and a much lesser extent here in North America. It didn’t matter if the Caucasian completely had a grasp of our language, but if they made a genuine effort to experience and learn about our identity, they were welcomed.
– Brian
“I have both mixed-race friends from AMWF families who are more Asian than I am, and others more Caucasian in terms of identity.”
——>You are a pure blood Chinese, how is it that your mixed race friend(s) are more Asian than you are?
A person’s identity can be thought of as both the physical genetic components as well as learned abilities.
In terms of physical appearance I am full Chinese, but when we talk about language, religious beliefs, or personal style, that is another story. When I mean they are more Asian than me is of the latter portion – the learned characteristics that shape your identity.
“And mixed-race adults – can you tell me how you felt and were treated when growing up?”
—>I’m not mixed race, but I can tell you this, it not gonna matter when the the kid is 30 years old 🙂
Most of the problems occur growing up, if you can somehow find a way to cushion your kid into realizing
their own identity, and …middle school and high school can sometimes be so mean…
To me, my own children will be loved no matter what they look like and to be honest most half Asian children I know do look a little like both parents. I have noticed although that the dominant Asian features like dark hair and dark eye color present themselves, but that often the eye shape can be more Caucasian. I have to say theses happa kids are really aesthetically beautiful and again enjoy the advantages of being part of two cultures. I think deep down every AMWF couple thinks about their future and what will be best for their children, like all parents do. Sometimes that child might be the first half Asian individual out of our a long strictly Asian family history, and to me that’s amazing stuff. That is a sign that our generation is different then the past, and that we do not let the way we look, or cultural differences stand in the way of love.
-Laura
“Sometimes that child might be the first half Asian individual out of our a long strictly Asian family history, and to me that’s amazing stuff”
—->This child will also feel out of place growing up amongst their pure blood cousins. Reality for most children of interracial couples is that these children have a harder time trying to understand their identity or even find and eventually acccept their identity.
cheung3fung – how do you know this? Did you experience this yourself? And I’m sure the degree of indentiy issues a child may have, would be greatly reduced when both parents have been born & raised in western culture (and the child is too) as opposed to the same couple living in China and bringing up their mixed-race children there. There actually seems to be far more tolerance and more compatability of asian & western cultures than other interracial mixes.
“cheung3fung – how do you know this?”
—->One of my aunts married a White guy. They have a daughter, 15 years old. She always asks why she doesn’t have a description for herself when she fills out questionaires reqarding ethnic background. Her two choices are White/Caucasian or Asian/Pacific Islander of which she is neither. She is basically half of each, so it is like choosing between mom or dad.
Did you experience this yourself?
—->No, I’m a pure blood Chinese, but I remember playing with a kid of mixed race (White and Asian) when I was younger. Every time we played cops and robbers he was always the bad guy because he appeared different. I’m also pretty sure he went through the same feelings that my cousin is going through right now when he was answering all those ethnic background questions that are on tests in elementary school all the way to SAT’s.
“And I’m sure the degree of indentiy issues a child may have, would be greatly reduced when both parents have been born & raised in western culture (and the child is too) as opposed to the same couple living in China and bringing up their mixed-race children there. There actually seems to be far more tolerance and more compatability of asian & western cultures than other interracial mixes.”
—->You’re aboulutely right, but, it’s still no picnic. Remember back when you were young, how much easier it was to fit in with kids that were similar in appearance? Very few kids can grasp the concept of tolerance, that’s why I said it won’t matter when your kid is 30, though I doubt it would actually take that long. From my own experience, tolerance didn’t kick in till late in my high school years.
Yo man, protip: if it’s in the States, always put down something other than white if you can for stuff like that. Your aunt’s daughter might get a job more easily or be more impressive to a state college because of equal opportunity stuff, y’ know? My best friend in high school always bragged about how he could get any job he wanted because he’s diverse. (and he did!) He was proud of it, “owned it,” and it served him well.
Also, what do your aunt and uncle tell her? Honestly, if I could tell her something, I’d say, “Because the government and any organization you ever become part of will want to put you in a box. It’s meaningless, and they want data on race, because although they claim to be ‘not-racist’ and ‘tolerant,’ they aren’t; otherwise it wouldn’t be there on the SATs, and the fact that they don’t have a box for mixed race is telling — they’re basically closing their minds to the possibility that a man and woman from different races could fall in love. That kind of thinking belongs in the 1800s and will go out of style in the future, though, so don’t worry about it. Put down whatever you want, or stubbornly refuse to mark it — it’s your choice.”
If nobody’s there to tell her (or any mixed race kid) that, then yeah, I could see her having “identity issues.”
If your little friend who was forced to be the robber had somebody there to tell him that racism is bullsh-t, I’m sure he grew up to be a well adjusted adult. 🙂
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Dorcas,
Although I’m white myself, and not yet a mother, I grew up with plenty of kids of mixed race (asian x white, black x white, indian x chinese, and other combinations) as well as more “purebred” kids of various races. I’ve also known all kinds of combinations of good vs bad parent-child relationship, people who love both parents, hate both, love one and hate the other, the works.
It seems to me that those things aren’t necessarily directly related to whether the kid is mixed race or not. It’s more to do with whether the parents treat the kid as an individual to be loved and respected or not, so you shouldn’t worry about your own relationship with your children before they’re born — it’s something that’ll develop naturally with time.
Cheung brings up a good point though — schoolchildren are notoriously vicious. They’ll pick on you if you’re too tall, too short, your nose is too big, or if you’re any kind of minority. That said, you shouldn’t let that get in the way of you having children. Like I said, I grew up with plenty of mixed race kids and they all grew up in the end, just like everybody else. 🙂 They’ll make friends, don’t worry — and it’ll be with the kids who are strong enough to reach out to somebody different than they are.
Also, I’m sure tolerance will become more the norm in American public schools as time goes on. As nasty as the kids were when I was growing up, from the stories my parents tell me, they were even worse when they were kids! (In the way of diversity tolerance or race tolerance or whatever, that is.)
“Yo man, protip: if it’s in the States, always put down something other than white if you can for stuff like that. Your aunt’s daughter might get a job more easily or be more impressive to a state college because of equal opportunity stuff, y’ know? My best friend in high school always bragged about how he could get any job he wanted because he’s diverse. (and he did!) He was proud of it, “owned it,” and it served him well.”
—–>Good point, except, would you have viewed things this way in your teenage years? Your friend probably got the jobs he wanted based more on his talents and experience than his diverse background, I must say that the confidence definitely helps…
“Also, what do your aunt and uncle tell her? ”
—–>My cousin basically went through primary and now high school with pretty much the same group of kids, so it’s a bit easier on her with friends and getting accepted. My aunt tells tells her kid to not bother with questionaaires regarding ethnic background
“Honestly, if I could tell her something, I’d say, “Because the government and any organization you ever become part of will want to put you in a box. It’s meaningless, and they want data on race, because although they claim to be ‘not-racist’ and ‘tolerant,’ they aren’t; otherwise it wouldn’t be there on the SATs, and the fact that they don’t have a box for mixed race is telling — they’re basically closing their minds to the possibility that a man and woman from different races could fall in love. That kind of thinking belongs in the 1800s and will go out of style in the future, though, so don’t worry about it. Put down whatever you want, or stubbornly refuse to mark it — it’s your choice.” ”
——>I can see a kid 17 years old being able to understand this, maybe…How do you explain this to a kid who is 10 years old.
“If nobody’s there to tell her (or any mixed race kid) that, then yeah, I could see her having “identity issues.” ”
——->What was the most important thing to you when you were in primary, middle, and high school? It was being able to fit in and be accepted, wasn’t it? My cousin was lucky enough to go to school with the same group of friends for basically her whole life, so acceptance isn’t much of an issue. Not every mixed race kid is this lucky.
“If your little friend who was forced to be the robber had somebody there to tell him that racism is bullsh-t, I’m sure he grew up to be a well adjusted adult”
——->I agree whole heartedly… 🙂
“As nasty as the kids were when I was growing up, from the stories my parents tell me, they were even worse when they were kids! (In the way of diversity tolerance or race tolerance or whatever, that is.)”
—>Actually it’s the other way around, being a kid or raising kids today is alot harder than it was in years past. I live in New York City, there are actually metal dectectors in the public high schools, because kids bring GUNS, KNIVES, RAZOR BLADES and various other contraband to school. When your parents went to school, it rarely went past teasing. These days, bathroom talk is the normal accepted behavior, it’s like if your son points to his crotch and says “suck this”, but doesn’t do drugs. get arrested, and does his homework, he’s a good kid. Kids today seem to know fist fights as the only way to solve problems, guy flirts with wrong girl, after school confrontation, also the constant bullying at school doesn’t help.This is a far cry from years past, where kids were simply sent to the principal’s office, today, kids actually think that it is cool to go to the principal’s office.
what type of children do blondes x asian have? do they have brown hair? or blonde? or black?
What you will notice the most from Half-Asian Half-Caucasian individuals is a characteristic brown to blackish-brown hair. Growing up I had one classmate who was Half-Korean and his mother was blonde. He ended up with a blackish-brown kind of hair. It was sort of black, not but really black.
I hope that helps.
– Brian
My cousin also has black brown hair, she has a White dad with blond hair, Chinese mom with black hair.
Though I don’t agree with this person, this particular blog kind of has to do with this post:
http://stuffeurasianslike.wordpress.com/
He is a very angry half and half (Asian and white) male. Perhaps he would benefit from comments from those who read this blog, because he seems very unhappy.