AMWF Love Asks You: Do You Bury Your Love Away?
July 30, 2011 7 Comments
So you’re interested in that WF, but for various reasons you’re not sure how things will work out? The reason could be anything from parent’s disapproval, long distance relations, or just the fact that you’re not sure how to approach her? With any or all of those reasons being a possible factor, I often see Asian men just bury their love away and force themselves to move on. I’ve seen men just stare at a beautiful girl from afar and even when the situation might present itself as a perfect opportunity to take action, it never happens.
I never really understood why. I see it in anime, dramas, and etc… the idea of self sacrifice for a greater good..or for a better future? I’m not really sure. My guess has always been that if you feel that it might be difficult, if there is not a very strong chance for marriage, then somehow you learned just to suppress the feelings of love and force yourself to move on? Did your parents perhaps influence the way your life should be lived and the types of risks that you should take?
In all honesty, why not give it a try and see what happens. Just say hello! I know it can be scary, but love it’s never easy. I think people forget that relationships take work and compromise. True, there is a point where you might know it’s not the right person and moving on is the best thing, but if you never give something a chance, will you never know how good it could be?
When it comes to relationships I think you should ask yourself this important question. Will I regret not talking any action?…. and if you answer yes then just go for it!
No regrets ! What’s your story?
AMWF Love 
“In all honesty, why not give it a try and see what happens. Just say hello! I know it can be scary, but love it’s never easy. I think people forget that relationships take work and compromise. True, there is a point where you might know it’s not the right person and moving on is the best thing, but if you never give something a chance, will you never know how good it could be?”
—->Really?, it’s just as simple as saying “Hello”? 🙂 , I’ve always wondered if there was a way to go through a relationship without the emotional taxation. So you’re saying it’s better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all. Ever hear the song “I hope you dance” by Lee Ann Womack, it’s a beauitful tune 🙂 …
“I never really understood why. I see it in anime, dramas, and etc… the idea of self sacrifice for a greater good..or for a better future? I’m not really sure. My guess has always been that if you feel that it might be difficult, if there is not a very strong chance for marriage, ”
—–>I’m Chinese and not very familiar with other Asian cultures, though I suspect that they’re pretty much in the same ballpark, so I’ll speak on behalf of Chinamen. In the Chinese culture, the son(s) are taught to “create or extend family success and glorify the family name”. The way we approach this is by finding a woman that is suitable for marriage, and then raise our kids to be as successful as humanly possible.
“then somehow you learned just to suppress the feelings of love and force yourself to move on? Did your parents perhaps influence the way your life should be lived and the types of risks that you should take?”
—–>The term my parents used was “gau gau jun —> fooling around(literal translation)” As Chinese guys, we don’t really have the liberty experiment with relationships as guys from other cultures do. As for taking risks, problem is we aren’t allowed to make mistakes. If we make a mistake with relationships, and especially marriage not only do we look bad, but our parents look bad as well, they will be constantly scrutinized in their ability to raise kids afterward(losing face).
you know i have to comment on this one, right?
yes. relationships can be incredibly rewarding personally, emotionally and socially. and with anything even remotely ‘rewarding’, there is always going to be a certain amount of risk to ones ego and self confidence by making yourself vulnerable to another person.
yes, i am asian. and yes, i am american. but! i consider myself much much more american than asian. i love and respect my parents culture. i understand my history and will be mindful of customs. but that is where it stops for the most part.
why? because i live in america. i dont live in hong kong. i dont live in shanghai. if i did live in those places, my behavior would be indeed very different.
so, from my observations: when an asian american guy wants to be in relationship, the asian american guy brings all this emotional and cultural baggage with them. it is usually ‘okay’ (if one is specifically looking at race) if the cultures are the same but if they are not, problems almost always arise. how do i know this? been there. done that.
i have long stopped trying to be an asian american. i am just american now.
with the topic of this article. i will refer to my friends who have had and still have trouble with meeting girls.
you dont have to be asian to be shy with women. it occurs with every ethnicity and race. i was recently reading how swedish women were complaining that swedish men are too shy to approach them. after reading this, i am thoroughly convinced that male shyness and insecurity is not exclusive to asians or asian americans.
so, guys. asian guys. asian american guys. why do ‘you’ feel that you are unique in that the media has portrayed a negative asian male stereotype? have you ever watched a chinese movie with a white male in it? they are made out to be stupid, smelly and lazy. so puhleeze, stop being so insecure and feeling so victimized.
as for self sacrifice and denying oneself for the ‘greater good’. what are you sacrificing? and what is the greater good? i have never ever seen anything positive come from denying oneself in order to please another. in this case, a son denying his goal and interests to please some unobtainable, unrealistic and selfish idealism that their parents have.
so yes, go out and meet people. be friendly. have fun. life is just way too short trying to please others and worrying about things that arent important.
Brandon, I suggest instead of regarding our cultural heritage as a baggage, we could look at it as something that enriches our life, broaden our perspective and gives us another dimension as a citizen in a country. Not every WF would like this “complication” in an Asian man, but some people do, like my girlfriend.
In modern days, being a first generation migrant like myself means we are there for adventure. I don’t see the need to fit in to the predominant culture. Wouldn’t we consider this as an expression of individuality? I would.
Having said what I did, I suppose Brandon doesn’t inherit much of his parents Asian culture, hence he used the word “respect” instead of “appreciate”. That is totally fine.
I do want to thank Brandon and Laura for advocating for taking up the responsibility for our own future.
Laura and Brian, I have one quick question for you guys. Do you know of any AMWF sites in Australia? I have been in Victoria, Australia for a long time but hardly heard of any online discussions on this topic. (Not that there are no AMWF couples here) Would you guys want to explore the topic of AMWF in Australia together? I know I am dragging you out of your familiar territory in a way.
Hey Victor,
Unfortunately, when it comes to AMWF websites in Australia I cannot help you there because that is beyond my scope of knowledge.
What you have to understand that as much as we discuss AMWF relationships here on this blog, they are in essence a relationship just like any other pairing. Laura and I bring our viewpoints on this relationship to hopefully bridge the gap between Asian Males and White Females. While I may be unfamiliar with certain Australian traditions, I would wager that it is not much different here in Canada or the United States. With the majority of the AMWF couples I know of, the male is usually born and raised outside of Asia. As a result English tends to be his first language while still using his parents’ native language at home. Communication tends to be a big factor when it comes to establishing relationships with White Females. Remember that they don’t always know your cultural traditions, and if you are unable to explain it, they can take things the wrong way. Asian Females have that general understanding already because of their Asian upbringing.
There is really no secret formula to AMWF – the Asian Male had enough self-confidence and courage to express his interest to his White Female. Mind you this is an oversimplfication, but that is pretty much the essence of it all. Nothing about this perfectionism and waiting for the right situation to ask – just go for it.
The reason there is not much discussion about it, is that most people who are in an AMWF relationship do not see it as anything special – they love each other and that is how it should be. Not many people are willing to discuss AMWF beyond attraction and appearances, and I feel that I have a social responsibility to address issues that span beyond those topics such as the social, cultural, and emotional issues that come with AMWF.
Eventually over time I’m sure there will a greater number of resources and especially ones that regard Australian AMWF. 🙂
– Brian
Thank you Brian. I appreciate your comment.
It’s unknown to me where we will live in the future, but I and my gf have the desire to bring up our kids in a cross-cultural environment so they will learn to respect and appreciate the cultual heritage offered by both Australia and Hong Kong, China.
I understand your blog caters for people who are more familiar with US culture or who intend to live in the US. It’s nonetheless a great opportunity to be able to visit your site and SpeakingOfChina to see the two different perspectives. I think you both are doing a great job. Keep up the good work!