You Want Her, Go Get Her…But Don’t Be Too Reserved.

I find it really silly that when you watch Asian dramas or anime you often see men trying to win the affections of women in the following manner:

  1. You find an opportunity to meet them by finding a mutual connection, either a friend, common school, church, or anything that will bond you together in some way so that she notices you.
  1. Then you don’t particularly show any interest, just be around and maybe watch her from afar (if you haven’t been already).
  2. Then after while, you ask your mutual friend to invite her out to go eat, sing karaoke, club, or any other social gathering.
  3. After you’ve hung out a few times in a social setting you ask her to hang out one on one.
  4. After going on several dates, and talking about your career prospects, your family, and future, then maybe you get to kiss her and finally become a couple.

The culture and social etiquette may be very different in Asia and perhaps a more reserved approach might work well there, but what white women expect from a man is different. With White girls, you need confidence and you need to show it the first time you meet her, or you might find yourself in the dreaded “friend zone”. Guys once you are there, it’s really hard to get back, so I’d like to suggest a few things that will help you in winning that lovely ladies affection.

1.  Be a decisive decision maker, and be the one that others turn to for guidance. Your ability to assertive, confident, and wise, will make her feel like she can depend on you for anything.

2.   Always be well-groomed, fit, healthy looking, and make an effort to dress in a way that shows your level of social intelligence.

3. Read the verbal cues she is giving you.  As women we are attracted to men who understand us so pay attention to what her words, body, and subliminal signs.

4.  Its good to flirt with her as women are attracted to men who take charge sexually. Of course be respectful and polite, but I does not hurt help her feel that animal attraction that can make her excited.

5.  Don’t be afraid to touch a woman, appropriately of course. Hugs are perfectly acceptable, as well as linking arms or other non sexual signs types of touch. If she feels safe and respected around you, she will be more likely to trust you later when those actions may become more intimate.

6.  Get her to an emotional state in which she is most happy, and keep her there. Getting her feeling positive emotions around you will keep her wanting to come back to you time and time again.

7.  Don’t be afraid to talk about whatever you’re passionate about, if something moves you then tell her. If you cry she won’t mind at all. Women love men who can be in touch with his softer side as well as his stronger side. Be yourself and don’t be afraid to show it.

One thing I do want you to understanding that it is not just about money, looks, or things like that, because women are attract a combination of many different things that all men are capable of doing. No matter what culture you are in, being yourself and being confident will always give you the upper hand when it comes to getting a girls attention. When it comes to white women, if you are timid, passive, or very reserved she won’t notice you, no matter how great a guy you are. So get out there and show us what you got!

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Only if the “Undo” Command Worked in Real Life

Our favorite geeky command – whether it is Ctrl-Z or Command-Z, this is the quintessential keyboard combination when things don’t work the way we want it to. Didn’t like the line you drew in your graphics program? No problem, “undo” and try again. Renamed the wrong file? There’s an “undo” for that too! This was the beauty of technology. In a way you could say this was a form of trial and error in a more unemotional and analytical procedure. Now only if this worked in the real world.

Just like many of you I have had my relationship blunders. I’ve been paralyzed by complete fear of messing up conversations, forgotten many important dates (uh oh), or came off a little too intense in relationships. While I am not proud of those moments, I look back realizing they were important life lessons. I have done it all. Missed the kiss on her lips because I prematurely closed my eyes? Yup, did it. Confessed my feelings to a girl who I thought was interested but got completely shot down? I did that too. Being completely oblivious to a girl interested in me when I ditched her to go cram for my final? Yes I actually did that.

As much as I would like to fix my embarrassing relationship blunders (good thing I don’t talk about the other things), there is no “undo” command.  I have learned to accept my tribulations with a smile. Then it kind of hit me. I was certain that I was not the only Asian Male in the world that royally screwed up things. Had I been raised in a very tradition Asian environment filled with shame as the social regulator, I would have burrowed deep into my shell to avoid contact with the public. Friends and family would endless harass me for my gaffes. Instead having guilt as a form of social regulation in Western Culture, I feel somewhat liberated sharing my mortifying moments in life.

Back to the “Undo” command, when it comes to actual real life situations, there is no reversal button we can press when we stumble.  This is very common with new relationships as well as long-term ones. For the Asian Male, this now becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy “No mistakes will happen if we take an inactive/passive position”.  Who needs to “Undo” things when there is nothing to “undo”? In other words, it comes back down to our favorite Asian Male inhibitor, fear. The fear of utterly embarrassing yourself and face a lifelong earful of shame from friends and family is definitely a strong deterrent for Asian Males when it comes to approaching women (and also while being in a relationship).

So what can Asian Males do? The first part is to realize that perfection in real life does not exist. While theoretical and analytical procedures allows us to create hypothetical models, that’s all it is, just theory. As much as we want that 100% in love and relationships, it’s okay, you aren’t going to get lectured by your Asian parents for the missing 2% when you get a 98%. The next thing is to go for it. Just give it a try. Yes you will stumble and blunder, but it’s still better than doing nothing. Finally, look back at the moments learn the important life lessons and try again (with the newfound knowledge). When you can look back and laugh about it, you will be fine – no Ctrl-Z or Command-Z required.

Another AMWF from the Past: Stanley and Emily Ah Foo.

In 1912, Chinese seaman Stanley Ah Foo arrived in Liverpool to start a new life. He soon fell in love with a British woman named Emily, but laws at the time meant that his bride was only able to marry if she gave up her British nationality and became a so-called alien herself. Stanley enjoyed a wonderful and free life in this family life, cooking Chinese foods when he was home from the often long periods of time he spent away from his family for work. Although, outside their home life, Stanley faced much discrimination such as being labeled as a “foreign devil”, and including the fact that he was forced to register with police and carry a picture ID photograph with him.

When I see stories like this, I am often reminded of how lucky we are to live today in a world where it makes no difference what race you are when it comes to finding that special someone to share your life with. I look at couples like Stanley and Emily and think, wow, how brave they must have been. How much they must have loved each other, to go against the social norm and to face discrimination together. To me that’s an amazing love!