Only if the “Undo” Command Worked in Real Life

Our favorite geeky command – whether it is Ctrl-Z or Command-Z, this is the quintessential keyboard combination when things don’t work the way we want it to. Didn’t like the line you drew in your graphics program? No problem, “undo” and try again. Renamed the wrong file? There’s an “undo” for that too! This was the beauty of technology. In a way you could say this was a form of trial and error in a more unemotional and analytical procedure. Now only if this worked in the real world.

Just like many of you I have had my relationship blunders. I’ve been paralyzed by complete fear of messing up conversations, forgotten many important dates (uh oh), or came off a little too intense in relationships. While I am not proud of those moments, I look back realizing they were important life lessons. I have done it all. Missed the kiss on her lips because I prematurely closed my eyes? Yup, did it. Confessed my feelings to a girl who I thought was interested but got completely shot down? I did that too. Being completely oblivious to a girl interested in me when I ditched her to go cram for my final? Yes I actually did that.

As much as I would like to fix my embarrassing relationship blunders (good thing I don’t talk about the other things), there is no “undo” command.  I have learned to accept my tribulations with a smile. Then it kind of hit me. I was certain that I was not the only Asian Male in the world that royally screwed up things. Had I been raised in a very tradition Asian environment filled with shame as the social regulator, I would have burrowed deep into my shell to avoid contact with the public. Friends and family would endless harass me for my gaffes. Instead having guilt as a form of social regulation in Western Culture, I feel somewhat liberated sharing my mortifying moments in life.

Back to the “Undo” command, when it comes to actual real life situations, there is no reversal button we can press when we stumble.  This is very common with new relationships as well as long-term ones. For the Asian Male, this now becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy “No mistakes will happen if we take an inactive/passive position”.  Who needs to “Undo” things when there is nothing to “undo”? In other words, it comes back down to our favorite Asian Male inhibitor, fear. The fear of utterly embarrassing yourself and face a lifelong earful of shame from friends and family is definitely a strong deterrent for Asian Males when it comes to approaching women (and also while being in a relationship).

So what can Asian Males do? The first part is to realize that perfection in real life does not exist. While theoretical and analytical procedures allows us to create hypothetical models, that’s all it is, just theory. As much as we want that 100% in love and relationships, it’s okay, you aren’t going to get lectured by your Asian parents for the missing 2% when you get a 98%. The next thing is to go for it. Just give it a try. Yes you will stumble and blunder, but it’s still better than doing nothing. Finally, look back at the moments learn the important life lessons and try again (with the newfound knowledge). When you can look back and laugh about it, you will be fine – no Ctrl-Z or Command-Z required.

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4 Responses to Only if the “Undo” Command Worked in Real Life

  1. Vv says:

    Sounds like my now ex boyfriend. I asked him why he didn’t talk to me about things, he told me he was nervous. Yet he could talk to my best girlfriend about some important things… I was so angry… why not me? It made me feel so unimportant, especially as he knew my friend for 2 minutes compared to how long he knew me >: (

    • AMWF Love says:

      Hey Vv! Thanks for responding so quickly!

      It’s a funny thing with Asian guys how we can open up to friends but the ones we are interested in – not a peep. I’ve made a lot of blunders growing up, and while I learn from my past mistakes, I continue making “different” mistakes. 🙂

      Now I have no idea if your best girlfriend at that moment in time was Chinese – then it would have been a language issue. More likely that ever it’s kind of a cultural thing. When it comes to having the words to express feelings – I’m really at a loss using Chinese words. I can describe how cheerful, angry, jealous, or sad I feel but I don’t have the same robust amount of words like English. What makes matters worse is that Asian television programming follows a very basic set of formulas expressing jealousy and anger of some sort. Love comes to the gentle and caring woman who faces adversity along with the rightous hero.

      So, if we stretch that to a hypothetical situation, it appears that by being honest with good intentions will result in a relationship. Right. This may work for Asian-Asian relationships, but we are dealing with an interracial relationship with a White Female highly developed emotionally. I can see from a Caucasian female’s perspective having your ex boyfriend confide to someone else is like he shares much more of his emotions (candidly I might add) with your best friend and not you. There is nothing wrong with him seeking advice outside of the relationship, but there are boundaries that should not be crossed physically and emotionally/spiritually. I would have no problem if he was talking to your best friend trying to figure out what to get for your birthday, but it is disrespectful to you if he opens up candidly to your best friend after 2 whole minutes of meeting her.

      In all honesty, I don’t think he even knew that was unacceptable behaviour – most Asian guys don’t even realize it in the first place. Somehow if I think about it, in many Asian couples, the social conduct is regulated by the female. Believe it or not you do have the power to “pull on the reins” to ensure proper manners. I do recall you being a Leo, so that’s something may like, as well as to be heard. 🙂

      – Brian

  2. cheung3fung says:

    “The next thing is to go for it. Just give it a try. Yes you will stumble and blunder, but it’s still better than doing nothing. Finally, look back at the moments learn the important life lessons and try again (with the newfound knowledge). When you can look back and laugh about it, you will be fine – no Ctrl-Z or Command-Z required.”
    —–> I have come to an understanding that knowing what one wants and especially what one doesn’t want, really helps, I mean what a particular guy wants in a woman..
    —–> Knowledge is what we learn from our own mistakes
    —–> Wisdom is what we learn from other people’s mistakes
    —–> I look back at my wonder years and relish the comical times, there is one caveat though, back then, there was always someone to forgive you, not so true as an adult…

    • cheung3fung says:

      Some more very important stuff…
      It’s not just that we as guys have to fully understand what we want and don’t want…

      We have to also fully understand what she wants and doesn’t want, even when she doesn’t know what it is she wants 🙂 I seem to have the luxury of meeting all these women….

      “When you tell her the a lie —–> she gets mad…
      When you tell her the truth —–> she gets mad…
      Do you see a pattern here???”

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