You Want Her, Go Get Her…But Don’t Be Too Reserved.
October 27, 2011 12 Comments
I find it really silly that when you watch Asian dramas or anime you often see men trying to win the affections of women in the following manner:
- You find an opportunity to meet them by finding a mutual connection, either a friend, common school, church, or anything that will bond you together in some way so that she notices you.
- Then you don’t particularly show any interest, just be around and maybe watch her from afar (if you haven’t been already).
- Then after while, you ask your mutual friend to invite her out to go eat, sing karaoke, club, or any other social gathering.
- After you’ve hung out a few times in a social setting you ask her to hang out one on one.
- After going on several dates, and talking about your career prospects, your family, and future, then maybe you get to kiss her and finally become a couple.
The culture and social etiquette may be very different in Asia and perhaps a more reserved approach might work well there, but what white women expect from a man is different. With White girls, you need confidence and you need to show it the first time you meet her, or you might find yourself in the dreaded “friend zone”. Guys once you are there, it’s really hard to get back, so I’d like to suggest a few things that will help you in winning that lovely ladies affection.
1. Be a decisive decision maker, and be the one that others turn to for guidance. Your ability to assertive, confident, and wise, will make her feel like she can depend on you for anything.
2. Always be well-groomed, fit, healthy looking, and make an effort to dress in a way that shows your level of social intelligence.
3. Read the verbal cues she is giving you. As women we are attracted to men who understand us so pay attention to what her words, body, and subliminal signs.
4. Its good to flirt with her as women are attracted to men who take charge sexually. Of course be respectful and polite, but I does not hurt help her feel that animal attraction that can make her excited.
5. Don’t be afraid to touch a woman, appropriately of course. Hugs are perfectly acceptable, as well as linking arms or other non sexual signs types of touch. If she feels safe and respected around you, she will be more likely to trust you later when those actions may become more intimate.
6. Get her to an emotional state in which she is most happy, and keep her there. Getting her feeling positive emotions around you will keep her wanting to come back to you time and time again.
7. Don’t be afraid to talk about whatever you’re passionate about, if something moves you then tell her. If you cry she won’t mind at all. Women love men who can be in touch with his softer side as well as his stronger side. Be yourself and don’t be afraid to show it.
One thing I do want you to understanding that it is not just about money, looks, or things like that, because women are attract a combination of many different things that all men are capable of doing. No matter what culture you are in, being yourself and being confident will always give you the upper hand when it comes to getting a girls attention. When it comes to white women, if you are timid, passive, or very reserved she won’t notice you, no matter how great a guy you are. So get out there and show us what you got!
AMWF Love 
haha I used to be exactly like those Asian men you are talking about!!
as a western girl..uk (!) do we need to get into the “friend” zone with a local Chinese guy who I really like or can I ask him out? Thoughts?
I wouldn’t want to come on to strong..because we work in the same office…although he does show an interest in me but hasn’t asked me out…I think it’s because I’m European..
we’ve had lunch and he’s asked how long I’m staying in China and mentions family which is nice…I’d like to show him that I’m interested i dating…
Yes, it is OK to ask him out! Maybe you have things in common that you can do together, so that you both are comfortable… something casual with no pressure.Just go ahead and ask him out. This also gives you the opportunity to see if you like him as much as you think you do 🙂
-Laura
“When it comes to white women, if you are timid, passive, or very reserved she won’t notice you…” Or did notice you and may assume you are totally.not.interested. Most women (and vice-versa most men) will equate timid, passive or reserved behavior with disinterest, especially if she feels her signals to you (which may be obvious to her but not to you) are getting ignored. This is especially true if the girl in question is on the shy side (or is shy in the romantic department even though she may seem outgoing in general). So being a bit more direct, in the ways Laura suggested, is equivalent to saying you are open to and accepting of her interest and it will make her feel safe expressing it to you in ways that are more obvious. Otherwise, she may simply assume you don’t like white women in that way.
do you think as a work colleague it might be awkward?
Do you think if I ask him out it’ll be clear to him that I like him? Maybe I’ll keep it light like a coffee or something…
Would pursuing a Chinese guy be seen as too desperate or do you think he would never ask me out?
p.s I really like the blog…really fabulous to read 🙂
Hi Dragongirl, thanks for the comments!
It’s really only awkward if you want it to be awkward. The most significant difference would really boil down to if he is born and raised in Asia, or if he is raised in Western Countries (Canada, USA, England, or many others). On a more Traditional level, it starts off as friends and you r-e-a-l-l-y h-a-v-e t-o s-p-e-l-l t-h-i-n-g-s o-u-t f-o-r h-i-m. Usually what happens is that after being friends for awhile, there comes several opportunities where you are alone with him. Walking home after a birthday party from a mutual friend, getting a ride (I believe it’s called a “lift” in UK) home, or even on the phone. Somehow it ends up from a “coincidence” that things naturally came together.
More Western Asians who learn English as their first language tend to be a bit more receptive to Western ideals. The biggest giveaway that he is interested in through his willingness to help with the petty issues without really wanting anything in return. Have computer or technology issues? Just ask and he will be right there to help (if he’s really interested). You should be able to distinguish being nice from them being interested, which may unintentionally come off as clingy due to their excitement. On a basic level sometimes our Asian mindset kicks in and we feel we have to prove our worth to the woman – not by our macho masculine charisma, but really being able to provide physically (stable career, money..house and car) and our dedication (fidelity). Don’t be surprised if he is willing to go out of his way to do things for you.
Asian Men will ask out a woman if they know they have a chance with her. Secretly we are worried about how others will think about us if we get completely rejected and made a fool of for months to follow – so we have to be sure of it. When I look back at a lot of my friends and colleagues (Asian Men) their relationships often happened because of the time they were spending together – hanging out, being friends, talking to each other, etc. The friendship developed into something more – some worked out, some did not.
While you may feel that it is desperate to pursue an Asian guy, that is actually the opposite. A woman who approaches an Asian Male has a chance with him, unless he is preoccupied or completely oblivious to it. They will often come off a bit quiet and unresponsive, mainly from their lack of experience or language barriers – but it is more that likely they are willing to give you a chance because they feel that they have a chance with you.
If you want him to ask you out, you are going to have to place yourself in a situation where he has the opportunity to ask you out. It may take a bit of time until he realizes the opportunity, so be patient with him. I think the bottom line for an Asian Male is that if a girl asks him out, as long as she is pretty and kind she will have a chance. If the woman is absolutely repulsive then it would be a no. The woman does not have to be smoking hot (kind of associated hedonism and promiscuity), just good hygiene and projecting happiness. Some people might call it being “cute”, but woman who emit a sense of radiant joy around them can totally snatch up an Asian Male (I think my knees just buckled thinking about that ^_^v)
Good luck!
– Brian
I have to say Brian, I hate being placed in a category as an asian male, but I agree with your post and you described me as a person!
Thanks Jeremy,
I also dislike having to “pigeon hole” people into some category as well. However, I like to view it as a model that helps represent Asian Men.
While it is not perfect, it gives some sort of form and direction to approach the situation. In terms of personalities, I developed a TCAI model to illustrate the four main archetypes. Each four have unique motivations and approaches to life. I would have to say that there is an unequal distributions of TCAI in general and when compared to North America to Asia, or other regions.
AMWF Love brings a more introspective approach, highlighting issues that are rarely discussed about publically. Laura and I believe it is very important to write about AMWF in a way that benefits those in an AMWF Relationship or interested in one. Again, thank you for commenting Jeremy!
– Brian
” “dreaded “friend zone”. Guys once you are there, it’s really hard to get back ”
—>Isn’t friendship the basis for a relationship? Isn’t this friend zone, the stage where prospective partners develop a deeper understanding of each other eventually leading to a relationship?
—>If two people were friends to begin with, then is it simpler to still be friends in the unfortunate event of a breakup, as opposed to when two people just jump into a relationship.
—->Maybe I’m just confused here…
Not all relationships will begin as friendship, which is somewhat strange to wrap your head around as an Asian Male. Culturally we are accustomed to that and hopefully there will be this “one moment in time” through some miracle that the two of you connect. For others, there is a deep level of attraction that spans beyond the scope of friendship. Whether it is physical, metaphysical, or emotional (maybe a combination of all of them) it’s a kind of connection that separates friends from romance.
Although this is a popular culture term, being in the “friend zone” I would equate to a woman’s best “gay male” friend. He understands her, shares mutual interests, but there is no romantic connection between the two of them. That being said, it may actually be much deeper, perhaps even sexually – as a result this is nothing to worry about with your best gay male friend.
Every relationship is unique and will be under different circumstances. If it is interlaced with moments of passionate romantic interludes, sometimes it is very difficult to just hit the undo button. This may only seem like a physical thing for men, but for women, it is a total energy investment physically, mentally, and emotionally. To just be friends after that may be highly unlikely, but still possible.
– Brian
I have never ever had a girlfriend that came from the ‘friend zone’. I have friends that are girls and not one of them ever crossed over to become romantic relationships.
Friends are friends. And lovers are lovers.
Too simple? Yes. That’s what has been my experience.
I was talking to an old friend that was a girl a while back. She is one of my closest friends regardless of gender. We were talking about how great as friends we got along for years. I mentioned that we should have had sex to be ‘friends’ forever. She wasn’t disgusted, repulsed or even speechless. She just said that we could have but that would have ruined the friendship that we have. And she is right. I am like a member of the family. Her parents see me as their adopted son. Heck, She is married and her parents still like me more than her husband. Is she the one that got away? No, no and no. We started as friends and will always be friends. It would be ‘weird’ for us to be lovers.
In my experience, if a woman is interested in you, she is dying just as much as you are to want to be with each other. Women nowadays, in my experience again, are much more forward and less shy. My girlfriend and I were talking about how we met for the first time. We were both very sexually suggestive with one another from the get go. In fact, she was a little more so than I was. I wasn’t repulsed by her forwardness or overt flirting. I just enjoyed it as much as she enjoyed my corny jokes all the while we were feeling the intense attraction build and build between us.
As for breaking up. I am not ‘friends’ with any of my ex’s. No frickin’ way would I ever be friends with them. There is no way a sane woman that is deeply committed to you in an intimate and trusting relationship would even remotely tolerate YOU still being FRIENDS with your ex or ex’s.
Maybe it is me, but what is the big deal about ‘striking out’? If ‘an asian’ guy asks a girl out (whether they are white or not) and gets turned down. Why is the ‘asian guy’ utterly embarrassed? You know the old saying that You don’t succeed until You fail? Well, it is the same with relationships.Not every guy is going to be able to be in a truly loving relationship with a smoking hot girl but at least try and see where you stand. And just because a person is good looking on the outside doesn’t even remotely mean that they are a good person on the inside. I prefer personality over looks any day. But I am fortunate enough that I can have both. If I didn’t “try” or think that I had a chance to be with someone smart and beautiful, I would not be where I am today.
There is also another point. If the guy is ‘nervous’ about asking a girl out on an intimate date but doesn’t because he is too nervous. It is my belief that he wasn’t ready in the first place to do so and the night would have been a bomb regardless.
This is where I agree that it would be good to hang out in mixed social groups. So that a guy can get used to having the opposite sex around him social settings.
It is my personal opinion and preference though that I would never ever date or want a girlfriend from my social circle. ‘If’ we ever broke up, it just jacks up the whole social group. Don’t eat where you poop is the old saying.
Thanks