Fantasy & Reality – Beyond Skin Deep

With modern technological advancements, we are able to share information instantly. When it comes to learning about another culture, we turn to mainstream mediums such as television and internet to provide us with an insight into the culture. Often at times this perception does not accurately reflect what actually happens in Asia or in North America.

Skin Deep

Come to think of it, I have come across a term called Asian Fetish, but I feel that it is incomplete. For a person with an Asian Fetish, they would like almost everything Asian. In this case, we usually assume it to be a Caucasian Female who is deeply interested in anything Asian. While this may seem refreshing at first for the Asian Male, we begin to realize that she has fallen in love with a fantasy. Exposure to Asian popular culture can be a good thing, but it can leave you only wanting the superficial and physical characteristics of Asian Men.

The reality is that there is much more to the Asian Male than just his appearance, and this goes the same for everyone else. Appearance and grooming certainly makes the Asian Male attractive, but once you are in a real committed relationship it becomes less important when dealing with love. You could say the physical appearance is a filtering process, a pass or fail. By passing, it means White Females are open to communication without feeling uncomfortable, while failing means under no circumstance will they communicate with you.

The White Fetish

Caucasian females in Asian Culture are often depicted with two qualities: bosoms and promiscuity. Of course this is not an accurate representation of Western Culture, but by only studying popular television series, there is a strong emphasis on physical intimacy. Fortunately, there are aspects of White Females we really appreciate. Among those are the ability to love, care, and express emotion.

More to the Asian Male

Great, now you have found your Asian male, but that’s when the real relationship begins. Prepare for the culture shock. Of course the learning process may be easier with a Westernized Asian Male, but for the ones in Asia, you will learn many cultural and societal differences that may require compromising. I have highlighted some issues regarding this historically based on Confucius and Filial Piety – I have also discussed both the Asian Mother and Father.  These are very issues that a White Female will experience in an AMWF relationship.

The Secret Truth

In all honesty, being around a White Female completely interested in everything Asian makes me uncomfortable, actually it downright scares me. Nobody wants to be the Asian Male only to be replaced by another new and shiny model walking by. Believe me, it makes me uneasy having a White Female in love with everything Asian, and you begin to be unsure if she really has feelings for you, or you just happen to be Asian. Remember, we Asian Males love White Females because their enormous capacity to express love and forgive – not by how Asian they are.

Don’t Think, Feel. AMWF Advice

So one random night I decided to watch one of my favorite Asian idols of the 60’s and 70’s, Bruce Lee. I would say he would be one of the early AMWF couples out there. Well, technically his mom was half Chinese, so that makes him three-quarters Asian. Still close enough. Anyways, I so happened to watch Enter the Dragon (1973) to revisit my childhood films. There was this very early scene where Bruce Lee is teaching a lesson to his pupil one afternoon. As I recall it was about him talking about feeling. This is a grey area for Asian for the most part.  The video is posted for you to enjoy:

Emotional Content

Emotional expression for Asian men can be a difficult subject to address.  I remember when I was young my mom always taught me to be stoic, because if you revealed too much of your emotions, people could seize the opportunity to take advantage of you. Yes she was correct for the general public interaction, but when you’re in a relationship with a white female, you cannot treat her like a business client. Now let’s assume you’re already in the relationship with her, to make it work you do have to make an effort to take care of her, listen and love her.

In this case the emotional part is the ability to give into the moment.  While using a primary analytical method works for many industries, this is a relationship – not a job or religion. Of course this does not mean making poor judgments, but allowing the natural instinct to take over. Every man is capable of this, but some have an easier time than others. Don’t stress out, it can be learned over time. Fortunately you are paired with someone who is highly tuned to emotional expression, your white female. By no means is it a sign of weakness when you ask her for help regarding this. She will gladly be patient with you, because you are making an effort to connect with her. Remember this is when you’re in a relationship – it will take a considerable amount of time to develop.

Definitely one of the skills as an Asian male is to develop empathy. What that means is you don’t have to cry with her when watching a sappy film. Instead, you can put an arm around her shoulder as a sign of comfort and security. You understand why the characters feel like that.  Remember, she’s not asking you to be a woman, but she wants you to be a man, to love and protect her – just be sure to reach out and bond with her. As Bruce Lee says, “Don’t Think, Feel.”

Seeking the Asian Male – Attraction

Before you even approach your Asian male interest, keep in mind that there are many varieties of Asian males. Based on our TCAI Model, we have broken them down into roughly four groups. While they are all similar, there are specific key differences which should be focused on in order to attract your Asian male.

If you have a particular Asian guy in mind and you’d like to get to know him better, here are some suggestions as to how to attract him though a better understanding of his personality type.

The Individual

Laura says:

When seeking out the individual type of Asian male, your intellect will be very important to him. He will have strong ideas about who he is as a person, and he will have opinions which he has concluded from his own thinking and experiences. Having the ability to understand his thinking and identifying with his individualized way of living will be important. Expressing your own sense of individuality and way of living will be much appreciated by him, and he will relate to you via that individuality as well as through other things.

Brian says:

Imagine this Asian male, White female situation:

There is nothing more Andrew loves to do but paint on canvas. He often finds himself so self-absorbed into his creations that he loses track of time. People are amazed by his talent, yet Andrew finds it difficult to genuinely associate with others. While not painting, Andrew spends his time in solitude reading a book, or on rare occasions attending annual festivals promoting the arts and culture within the city.

Natalie is a jazz aficionado. Whether it is classic jazz or modern jazz, she loves it all. At a local Jazz Festival, Natalie spots an Asian male, who happens to be Andrew  sitting alone at a small round table. She ventures over to his table asking kindly if she may join him. Andrew kindly accepts. After the set is over, Natalie asks if he would be interested in conversing over coffee. Andrew smiles, and suggests a cozy place he knows of nearby. Over coffee and many shared laughs, Andrew reveals his reason for attending the jazz set was that he was searching for inspiration. Natalie compliments him for establishing his identity, and encourages him to keep pursuing his passion.

The bottom line: Sometimes you just have to make the first move. Individuals want to be respected for who they choose to be. Give them the freedom and space, and let them know that you will always be there to support them. You will be rewarded with a unique relationship filled with love.

The Ambitious

Laura says:

When seeking out the ambitious type of Asian male, your ability to match him on a challenging level will be important.  He will have an intense and busy lifestyle that has a fast pace feel and he will like his relationships the same way. With that thought in mind, your ability to be competitive and seen as a challenge will be attractive to him. Although he will enjoy your challenging nature, too much of a challenge can have a negative consequence. Make sure to moderate the amount of “playing hard to get” you do in order to keep his interest.

Brian says:

David comes from a family with a history of family members becoming professionals. His dad is a dentist, while his brother is a lawyer, and his sister is in her senior year for Pharmacy. For David, the pressure is great seeing that his siblings will have successful careers. As a second year Physiology student, he spends his evenings at the campus library silent floor. Since he has spent so much time into his studies, he had to stop his tennis program. Although he may not actively compete in tennis, he still maintains his physique by playing intramural volleyball with his colleagues.

Kiera is the perennial athlete throughout her teenage years. She spent the majority of her time travelling across the country playing for her club volleyball team. While in University, her friends play a recreational co-ed volleyball game every Wednesday night. One Wednesday night, her friends are short a player, but fortunately her good friend Jonathan knows of a friend who happens to be available – who just happens to be David. Kiera grins ready to see David’s skills. David is no stranger to volleyball and easily transfers his skill set over.  Both being ambitious, they collide over a ball that was landing between them. David turns to Kiera who shrugs it off but they exchange some smiles.

After a few minor scrapes and sore arms, David musters the strength to approach Kiera. A relief, because she was thinking the same thing.

To attract an ambitious Asian male, you have to prove your worth in some sort of aspect. Just make sure you don’t go overboard to dominate them. Keep him on his toes and interested.

The Comedian

Laura says:

When seeking out the comedian type of Asian male, your social skills will be very important. As the comedian type thrives on attention and having large groups of friends, so you should also enjoy this environment. Your ability so socialize well with others and ability to have an easy going lifestyle will certainty attract his attention. The comedian type will use humor to diffuse uncomfortable situations or to attract attention. Knowing this will allow you to support him in any circumstance, and in his humorous and often easy going lifestyle.

Brian says:

Kevin is more thought of as a jokester. His witty remarks brings smiles even when there are moments of dullness.

Emma would be just your average girl. Before her night shift at the hospital, she felt like stopping by at a nearby bubble tea shop. After purchasing her favorite avocado blend, she runs into her old classmate Chen, who happens to also be there with her friends. Coincidentally, Kevin is also found sitting at the table – right in the middle. Chen introduces Emma to the group, and Kevin grins and asks where he can get a set of hospital uniforms. Emma smiles and tells him  “online”.

Comedians are an interesting bunch. Be ready for the spontaneous, and let them have their moments of glory. His lightheartedness will always keep you smiling.

The Technophile

Laura says:

When seeking out the technophile type of Asian male, your intellect will be very important to him. As a technophile he will naturally value intellect and will appreciate your admiration of his “brain power” Paying attention and complimenting his technical skills ( i.e.: gaming, computers, etc) will also help his attraction toward you. Your practical nature and quiet demeanor will not be as issue for him, as he will often be the same way. You may need to make the first move when initiating first contact, but you will often find him to be very receptive.

Brian says:

Jenna has a secret crush on Zhen. She would often find him at the cafeteria with his friends dueling out an intense virtual match of the latest PSP games. After several weeks, Jenna gets the clever idea with becoming friends with Zhen’s friends. She beings by asking very simple questions regarding her laptop, and it is easily solved. Eventually, she is invited to a birthday party including Zhen. While Zhen’s friends are aware that Jenna does have interest in Zhen, somehow Zhen is slightly clueless. Fortunately Zhen’s friends are clever enough to arrange for their team pairing for a board game. Jenna smiles graciously silently thanking his friends. Afterwards, Jenna manages to secure Zhen’s email, and later his online messaging contact information. After several months of friendly conversations and hanging out, Zhen realizes that Jenna has been interested all this time and asks her out.

You have to be patient with technophiles. Sometimes you have to be friends for an extended period of time before they even consider a serious relationship. Sometimes you just have to be patient and show them the way. Don’t worry, these men will love you to death.

Visual Summary:

Meet the (Asian) Parents – Well. The mom.

So you finally found your Asian man, and after dating him for a while he wants to introduce you to his parents.

Hold on a second. I can tell as an Asian, that spells trouble already.  Well, good for him for willing to introduce you, but there is a lot more to it than it seems. Maybe I can help by providing some preparation material.

His Parents

Regardless of the country, Asians in general share the same ideology when it comes to dating. It has to be serious. The conservative Asian culture tends to frown on relationships purely based on private romantic interludes. If they are really traditional, serious dating is only the prequel to marriage.

Our parents roughly belong to the baby boomer generation. They grew up strongly influenced by their parents’ bitter post war mentality. Food was sparse, and the wealth of the family was low. The only way advance in society was to work harder. While the average person worked 8 hours, we pushed hard for 10 or even 12 hours a day. Our parents pinched every penny possible in hopes that their children could live a better life.

The View of Caucasians

It was not until the 19th century that there was strong Western influence over Asia. China had been crippled internally and was divided up among international powers for trade. Just like China, Vietnam and Philippines also had influences from the French and Spanish/Americans respectively. While this angst may not be directly carried over, we still have derogatory terms to refer Caucasians.

Japan was really the only nation to completely allow Western influence since 1853.

Now what are the chances that members of the Navy were kind, loving socialites? In most cases, they would have been the classic brutish aggressive man. On the side note, it makes me wonder. If the majority of the explorers in this world were Caucasian (including Europe), then it’s no wonder why white guys naturally go for the Asian girls. I really can’t name you any real Asian explorer. Honestly, I can’t think of one. We just loved our isolationism – guess that’s evolution.

Fast forward to modern times. I can tell you right now the biggest stereotypes Asian parents have of white people is that they are hedonists who has absolutely no control of their finances. Money is a big deal for Asians, and it doesn’t help with the common fear that a white person is going to steal all the wealth away. (refer to above)

For the hedonist portion, it’s more of a lack of control of impulses. This is tied into money by the fact that by immediately seeking pleasure, we are unable to build up wealth and become a slave to money. A stern, reserved, and discipline Asian is ideal.

These are some pretty big stereotypes to break through, and if you truly are in love with your Asian man, you cannot avoid this. However this is not impossible either.

The Phases of Acceptance

There are different mannerisms to treat people based on their social closeness. I would generally classify this as:

I.              The Foreigner – Parents will be reserved, and closed off
II.            The Friend – Now they see you as trustworthy and a good influence
III.          The Daughter In Law – Approval. Finally. You’re part of the family.

Obviously the ultimate goal is to reach the third one, but you have to earn your way through each phase.

Phase One – The Foreigner

Didn’t your parents tell you not to talk to strangers? Well if the parents aren’t fully Westernized then, this is probably the toughest layer to get past. Don’t worry, when you breakthrough this one, it’s smooth sailing. The one you really need to pay the most attention to is his mom. In traditional Asian families, dad brings in the income, and mom maintains household vitality. She is the key to the success and failure of the relationship. For the most part, I would believe the dad may not appear supportive to appease his wife, but secretly he is proud of his son.

His mom is always looking out for her beloved son. You have to establish you that you love him as a person and never for his finances or status. Stand firm, and hold your ground. This is a test of resiliency. She will want to find out your education, career path, and future. Anything practical and reasonable will be fine with her. She will be slightly displeased with an unpractical career like an artist. If her control of English is not strong, be warned that there will be a lack of tact. Don’t be offended, just agree and refrain from prolonged direct eye contact (it may be considered rude or hostile). Show some humility for brownie points. Make sure you find the correct ways to address everyone. Greet everyone in the household when you first enter. Find out proper Asian table manners.

Direct conversation may not be possible at this time, and most likely you will actually have to build rapport through his mom’s influences.

Phase Two – The Friend

Building rapport is done through the community. In most cases Asian are a tightly knit community usually based around religious faith, societal clubs, or social hobbies. Asian women love to socialize and gossip.

With such a close social network, everything is shared. This is why it is so important to establish your good intentions through secondary channels so that good word about you is spread to her friends. She will warm up knowing that you help out in the community. Conversely the opposite also holds true.

Minimize collateral damage by familiarizing yourself with Asian culture – and the cultural specifics to his nationality. General manners of respect and reservation is welcomed. Look into gift giving, don’t come empty-handed into his parent’s house for large social events. It doesn’t have to be something absolutely special, just a sign you are thinking about the family. There is a caveat, avoid clocks (your time to die), hats (unfaithfulness) for the most part – just ask your Asian friends. Something completely generic is fine. Don’t stress out.

Phase Three – The Daughter in Law

Congratulations. You’ve finally made it here. You’re part of the family. It was a rocky start at first, but look how far you’ve come along. Come and visit the family often, maybe bi weekly. By now you’ve earned respect from his mom. Make sure you always maintain it and maybe soon she’s going to rant to you. (A good sign when it’s not involving you)

If marriage is in the future, don’t worry Asian moms have their ways with their son. Show that you are fully competent in life skills, and they will be more than pleased.

HSLA – Archetypes of the White Female

For the Asian male, refer to here.

Humanitarian

What you will notice the most about the humanitarian is that she gives, and relentlessly gives more. She believes in strong family values and cares for the welfare of others. Under the shy, quiet personality is a woman with the biggest heart.

What a Humanitarian needs

Nobody is closer to feeling than a humanitarian. They need to be loved and taken care of. Humanitarians are also balanced by some form of direction. Take initiative with these types, they are often unsure of things, but will happily follow along. What they are sure of is that they have the capacity to love. Remind them every day how great they are for caring about others – it will go a long way.

Socialite

Ultimately we are always around people. Generally extroverted, the socialite feeds of the energy of others. The larger the crowd, the better. She will be well acquainted with popular culture and ongoing fashion trends. Being happy is very important.

What the Socialite is looking for

A socialite wants to be accepted by society. She has a strong control over her speaking and writing skills. Be careful not to be too brash, for it may be unappealing to her. Stay moderately groomed, and always be open for her suggestions of improvement.  Make sure you always appreciate her.

Lioness

Highly skilled and highly educated. You will find these women in top leadership positions or pursuing professional careers. These women are not afraid to take control of the situation and ensure things are done properly. They know what they want, and they go straight for it.

What a Lioness needs

Respect is the dominant quality this Lioness is seeking. She wants to be on an equal level, and has no problem if you willingly let her stand on higher ground. Action is the key word here. There is so much to do in this world, why stop to dawdle? Establish a level of trust, transparency, and accountability. She believes in those things, and silently expects it in return.

Advocate

The rarest of them all. An advocate also  includes the artists, in which they try to better society as a whole by inducing change. These people inspire others to their cause not just physically, but they can reach them on an emotional and intellectual level. Advocates understand the human nature, and carefully choose their medium of delivery.

What the Advocate seeks

An advocate wants to be understood – she is not looking to completely belong or integrate with society. Tell her she’s unique and special and remind her that’s what you truly cherish about her. Be supportive of her passions and she will return the favor to you.