Asian Social Gatherings and Arriving Late

I have always noticed and wondered why in Asian culture arriving early for any type of social gathering never seemed to happen. Over the years I have been involved in many events and I always noticed that when I was asked to arrive at say 5:00pm for a party, I would be reminded by those around me that it meant I should arrive at 5:30 or 6:00pm.  Huh?! I never understood this. As the years have passed I thought and observed this kind of what I would call an Asian “secret code” that has been passed down for generations.  Everyone seemed to know but me that I should be arriving late. In western culture, I was taught that when I am invited to a party etiquette dictated that I arrive at the requested time, maybe even 5 minutes early in fact. So as I began to see this happen at every event with no one having a problem with it, I began to wonder why.

As I have spent so much time involved in Asian culture I have come up with a few reasons why I think that it’s appropriate to arrive late to gatherings:

Diffusion of Attention– By arriving late, they accomplish a diffusion of attention meaning that they can avoid awkward greeting or being particular noticed by others at the event. In a collectivist environment why would you want to stand out?

They May not Want to be There They are either there because their family wants them to, appeasing their girlfriend/boyfriend, or something of that nature. I would therefore make sense that they would rather come later then not at all because the social etiquette says they just should be there regardless of personal feeling or interest in the event.

 There for the Food Asian parties always have an excess of food. It’s always good and there is always plenty of it. Everyone loves free food and Asian people are no exception. At the end of a party everyone takes out the zip-lock bags and snags the left-over food for home. Why show up early when the best part of the night is what you get at the end!

So to me it seems that Asians all know that being late is customary, and no one takes offence.  In the Western style, everybody wants to make everybody else happy and show respect to the host by arriving on time.  Is one or the other better, I don’t really know for sure, but at first it seemed really strange to me.

 

She Only Dates Asian

 

 

I found this illustration (asiandatingcoach.com) and thought I would elaborate for you on the topic of the types of women and whom they choose to date, and why. I wanted to make it simple because dating and relationships can often be complicated at times. As a man I can understand that you often must wonder, when you see someone you are interested in, if she may even be open to the idea in general. If somehow you only knew, then you could confidently get to know her in hopes of it becoming something more.  Although there is no way to really know how she feels about it you, there are some things to keep in mind when it comes to the way women think about dating.

Looking at the left side of the graph (red) you can see that here will always be a small percentage of women who just won’t be interested for many different reasons.  These women won’t try and date you, so you won’t date them. End of story.

On the far right (green) you can see that there is a small percent of women that will exclusively only date Asian men. Now these women (and I can say this because I am one of them) come to two forms. They are either the type of women that has a fetish, or they are the types of women who have dated both Asian and non Asian men and from experience found that they prefer Asian men more. I would suggest that you go for the women that don’t have some crazy fetish with Asian things, like anime or dramas, because it often turns out that they have unrealistic expectations of being with someone Asian. Women who have dated Asian men before and have dealt with and are prepared for some of the cultural differences that can often go along with it and it can make things much easier on your relationship. But these women are harder to find, because there are less of them to meet, or they already are with someone to begin with.

In the middle of the graph (gray) is where the largest percentage of women are found, and the key here is that these women are all open to dating anyone, and they may not even know it yet. Most women only require a man to be good to her, care of her, love her, and with a little charm and grace on your part she will be happy. It really does not matter what race you are, but that you are a good match for her.  She may not know much at all about Asian culture, foods, etc… or even have an interest in it, but if you’re the right type of man for her, and you show her that you are, she will be happy

So guys, don’t worry if she may or may not seem to be particularly into things Asian because that’s not an indicator that she would or would not consider you. Instead go after what you find attractive, physically and mentally, and she will be receptive to you. In reality you can open her eyes to the possibility of dating Asian men, when she may have not even considered it an option before. So go for it!

 

Asian Men, are they for me?

I always try and look that the good in everything, and perhaps at times that means I am overly optimistic about the AMWF relationship. I would love to think that every woman feels the same about Asian men as I do, but in truth not all of them will. I realize although that in part, personal preference is a contributor. There are women who just like white men, or back men, Asian men, or whatever. Just in the same way there are Asian men who really prefer Asian women, over white, black, or etc. That’s great right …everyone has the right to choose who they want and what they prefer. Even with this personal preference although, there are times when a women may be intentionally or unintentionally overseeing Asian men. Why? Well after much thought and asking guys what they feel might be keeping women from seeing their good intentions, I have the following reasons to present to you:

 

Physical Appearance:

 Your Height and Body Build – You maybe have wondered if that fact that you stand a mighty 5ft 6inches tall, if that’s going to be good enough for your WF. In truth many women like taller men because of the idea that a taller man is a stronger man. It’s just ingrained in our DNA to be attracted to men who are tall. Now not all women care of course, and there are many WF who are taller than many men and are fine with it. Asian men often fall under the stereotype of being short, which in fact is not always true either, but that alone might stifle her interest in Asian men. Asian men also stereotypically are viewed as skinny and not particularly strong. Some women would think that Asian men could not meet the standards of their white or black counterparts and therefore be seen as less attractive.

 Asian Eyes– those lovely deep black/brown eyes, with their unique almond shape. Ahh yes, the signature Asian eyes. To me they seem wonderful and exotic, but they also might seem a bit odd when the rest of the men she knows have eyes that are varied in color and larger. It’s not to say that women really have an eye color or shape preference, but that they might find it out of the ordinary.

 

Language:

 Your Communication with Her– let’s face it, if you can’t speak the same language , or you have a really thick accent that makes you hard to understand, then it’s not going to make it easy to get to know each other.  Having the ability to communicate well means you can express your feeling to her, and that is really important. If you are not used to, or your language does not have the words to express how you feel, she may take it as you are not interested, even if you truly are interested and have the best intent.

 Your Family/In laws– It’s also obvious, but if her future in-laws won’t be able to speak to her, then she will  be uncomfortable and perhaps she might feel that I would never work out well with this difference. Although there are many women who in fact will learn Chinese, Korean, or etc in order to better communicate and create a bond with her in-laws, not all women would want to.

 

Social Culture:

 Asian Foods– odd food and textures can often be found in Asian, comparatively to the west. For example Asia has porous meat products, jelly soups and drinks, boba in their tea, fish sauces, chicken feet, and whole bunch of crazy textures that you won’t find in the west. Although many women would love to try new foods and flavors, sometimes these can just be too outside of our comfort zone.

Family Obligations and Expectations– This might be the most difficult of all the reasons for your WF. Asian family’s often come with more obligations then the average Caucasian women’s family.  Her parents won’t expect you to visit every weekend, have extreme expectation about who she should marry, nor would the tell her what kind of wedding to have, what she should do for a career ,and etc… So when she meets an Asian mans parents, or has heard that his parents may have the almost unreasonable expectations, it would defiantly make her think twice about wanting to enter into the relationship.

 

For many more reasons then I guess I would care to come up with, there will be women who are just not into Asian men, just as much as some women are. But the point is that these things should not be seen as an obstacle for your choice in mates.  Whatever your preferences we should not let others opinions influence are choice and it should not stop you from going after what you want. Things like physical looks, food preferences, and family obligation are only a few things that “could” be an issue… yes “could be” but you never will really know unless you give things a try. Every relationship will be filled with successes and struggles, but it’s the important things like your values, working together, common interests, lifestyles, and who you are as a person that will keep the love and happiness between the two of you alive and strong. So I encourage women to try something new, give those cute Asian guys a chance, because you might be surprised that the things that you worry most about, are only small things that can actually make your relationship more unique and that much stronger.

You Want Her, Go Get Her…But Don’t Be Too Reserved.

I find it really silly that when you watch Asian dramas or anime you often see men trying to win the affections of women in the following manner:

  1. You find an opportunity to meet them by finding a mutual connection, either a friend, common school, church, or anything that will bond you together in some way so that she notices you.
  1. Then you don’t particularly show any interest, just be around and maybe watch her from afar (if you haven’t been already).
  2. Then after while, you ask your mutual friend to invite her out to go eat, sing karaoke, club, or any other social gathering.
  3. After you’ve hung out a few times in a social setting you ask her to hang out one on one.
  4. After going on several dates, and talking about your career prospects, your family, and future, then maybe you get to kiss her and finally become a couple.

The culture and social etiquette may be very different in Asia and perhaps a more reserved approach might work well there, but what white women expect from a man is different. With White girls, you need confidence and you need to show it the first time you meet her, or you might find yourself in the dreaded “friend zone”. Guys once you are there, it’s really hard to get back, so I’d like to suggest a few things that will help you in winning that lovely ladies affection.

1.  Be a decisive decision maker, and be the one that others turn to for guidance. Your ability to assertive, confident, and wise, will make her feel like she can depend on you for anything.

2.   Always be well-groomed, fit, healthy looking, and make an effort to dress in a way that shows your level of social intelligence.

3. Read the verbal cues she is giving you.  As women we are attracted to men who understand us so pay attention to what her words, body, and subliminal signs.

4.  Its good to flirt with her as women are attracted to men who take charge sexually. Of course be respectful and polite, but I does not hurt help her feel that animal attraction that can make her excited.

5.  Don’t be afraid to touch a woman, appropriately of course. Hugs are perfectly acceptable, as well as linking arms or other non sexual signs types of touch. If she feels safe and respected around you, she will be more likely to trust you later when those actions may become more intimate.

6.  Get her to an emotional state in which she is most happy, and keep her there. Getting her feeling positive emotions around you will keep her wanting to come back to you time and time again.

7.  Don’t be afraid to talk about whatever you’re passionate about, if something moves you then tell her. If you cry she won’t mind at all. Women love men who can be in touch with his softer side as well as his stronger side. Be yourself and don’t be afraid to show it.

One thing I do want you to understanding that it is not just about money, looks, or things like that, because women are attract a combination of many different things that all men are capable of doing. No matter what culture you are in, being yourself and being confident will always give you the upper hand when it comes to getting a girls attention. When it comes to white women, if you are timid, passive, or very reserved she won’t notice you, no matter how great a guy you are. So get out there and show us what you got!

Another AMWF from the Past: Stanley and Emily Ah Foo.

In 1912, Chinese seaman Stanley Ah Foo arrived in Liverpool to start a new life. He soon fell in love with a British woman named Emily, but laws at the time meant that his bride was only able to marry if she gave up her British nationality and became a so-called alien herself. Stanley enjoyed a wonderful and free life in this family life, cooking Chinese foods when he was home from the often long periods of time he spent away from his family for work. Although, outside their home life, Stanley faced much discrimination such as being labeled as a “foreign devil”, and including the fact that he was forced to register with police and carry a picture ID photograph with him.

When I see stories like this, I am often reminded of how lucky we are to live today in a world where it makes no difference what race you are when it comes to finding that special someone to share your life with. I look at couples like Stanley and Emily and think, wow, how brave they must have been. How much they must have loved each other, to go against the social norm and to face discrimination together. To me that’s an amazing love!

 

 

Does She See You as an Asian Stereotype?

The idea of being stereotyped is one that many an Asian man has faced at least once in his life. In America it happens, maybe as a joke by one of your buddies. It probably had a good intent, maybe to strike up a laugh from friends, or perhaps you may have even made jokes about your own ethnicity. Joking between buddies or poking fun at yourself is one thing, but when you think it has the potential to affect the way the WF sees you, that is something very different.

So yeah you all know it, so I’ll just say it.  There are two stereotypical ways Asian men are sometimes viewed. Your either a “Twinkie” (as we say in America)/“banana”, or you’re pinned as a FOB or “fresh of the boat” type. If you’re a Twinkie, besides the fact that you look Asian, there is little to distinguish you from white people. You speak English, and you grew up in western cultures, you have few Asian friends, and you barely can understand or speak an Asian language (or you choose not to speak it). If your pinned as a Fob you were not born in America, you speak your native language fluently and so do many of your friends( who are mostly Asian), your parents do not speak any English, and you have trouble  using the past, present, and future, tenses correctly. But whichever stereotype you may at times find yourself falling under, as an Asian man in an ever growing dating market, your choices are unlimited. In fact if you were born in a western culture or not, you have most likely found that your choice of significant other is not Asian, and might never have been.  With an interest in the opposite sex, from an opposite race or culture, how can you confidently know that these types of stereotypes would not lessen your chances in the dating market.

You can’t know for sure, but speaking from a women’s perspective, these stereotypes do not carry the negative associations that you guys think. In fact we actually view it as two different types of men with associated characteristics, and neither one is better or worse than the other. In fact it’s all about personal preference. If she wants to be immersed in another culture or learn a new language, she may in fact prefer a man from Asia. If she perhaps likes the Asian look without the complication of a long distance relationship and language barrier, she might find herself interested in a guy who’s right around the corner. So are you seen as a stereotype? No not really. Your just another guy who has a an exotic look, or accent, that makes you interesting and unique.  Will being Asian lessen your chances of winning the heart of that beautiful WF, absolutely not. Any man can sweep a lady of her feet by just  being confident and letting her know that  no matter where you are from, or what your first language was, that you can be the man that she needs.

 

The Commonality of Language

As more and more people are living, working, and studying abroad, one of the byproducts of this is that there are more and more intercultural marriages. But before marriage there is the long process of dating, and when your first languages are different, this makes for more issues then in the average dating process. Anyone who has dated someone with a different culture from their own will tell you that dating can be both exciting as well as frustrating at times. Of course, dating always has its ups and downs, but adding cultural differences, like a language difference, to the natural course of dating can make this a bit trickier.

In the AMWF relationships it is often the case that one partner speaks their second language (English) while the other partner speaks English as their first language. In this case, the one for whom English is a second language has to put significantly more effort and time into communicating with their partner. It’s only natural that this can cause some strain on the relationship, as misunderstandings can arise in any number of situations. For example  the little signs and signals, that are so natural to a native speakers English, are missed, or misinterpreted, by someone who learned English only in school and rarely spoke it in everyday life.

Communication is absolutely vital to any relationship because it allows for the relationship to develop further and more deeply.  Rather than having one partner take on all the responsibilities of learning another language, both partners should work together on their communication. It’s important to be willing to put a lot of extra effort into communicating, because with an even level of communication can make people feel connected with one another. Especially for your WF, the need to be in a relationship with someone who is ‘in tune’ to her is very important. But if you can’t communicate your feelings to her and that you understand  her feelings, then she will be left feeling like you do not care.

Dating and relationships are about making connections with another person, and as human beings, talking is one of the most important ways that we can connect with one another. This is why communication of a high quality is so important in a relationship, especially as it develops from casual dating into a more serious relationship. Intercultural relationships, like the AMWF relationship, can be rich and fulfilling when communication is open and highly developed.  It’s about working together to share yourself and to create a strong bond between each other thought the commonality of language.

Some Things I Don’t Understand About Asian Culture.

Here are three, out of several things, that I just never understood about Asian cultures. As a WF coming from an Americanized family, I found that many of these types of things never made sense to me, and were in fact the opposite of the things I had or enjoyed.

Asian Promotional Calendars

Ya know the ones I mean, the ones with women smiling shyly while wearing some traditional clothing’s. Maybe they are standing in front of a sports car, or holding some ridiculous product that you would never actually by. For some reason Asian people can’t get enough of free calendars. Older Asians can often be cheap, true, and it’s only human nature to not pass up something free but I don’t see the appeal of them. I see two or three at least in the Asian homes I have been in. It doesn’t matter if it’s a calendar from a little-known bank or Asian restaurant; they hang them up in the kitchen, living room, and anyplace I would never think of hanging a calendar. Sometimes it’s out of reach of normal viewing, almost like it’s a rare painting that’s on display. So you can look at it, in all its Asian advertising glory, but can’t use it.  No matter how many I have seen over the years, I still don’t get it.

Taking Pictures and Posing

When I originally thought about taking pictures, I thought about artistic expression and visually capturing something beautiful for others to enjoy. As I got to know more about Asian people and culture, I realized that the way I view taking photos, especially of others is completely different. Why does the average Asian invest so much money on SLRs, point and shoot types of digital cameras, or webcams? Asians like taking family photos, or doing that crazy peace sign in every photo (which really was a V for Victory), sure I get that, but why are they often retaking photos of the same people over and over? How many pictures do you need of you and your family at a cousin’s birthday or relatives wedding? My answer is that not many. Apparently I am wrong because that’s exactly what happens.  Even every day events become photo shoots where, especially the women try to look their best and pose for every single photo. I have concluded that Asians just really like posing in photos. I don’t get it.

Not Having Pets

Wait you say, I had fish when I was a kid. Stop right there, a fish is not a pet. No, just because your dad bought a huge fish tank filled with exotic fish and sat every night for hours watching them. That does not mean you had a pet. So why don’t most Asian households have real pets, like a dog or cat? When I ask why I get this answer “Pets are dirty and don’t belong in the home”. Dirty? Well I guess some dogs and cats take more work than others to keep them clean, but what about man’s best friend? Asians don’t have a best friend?..lol .. I just don’t get it.

You Don’t Need to Buy Her Fancy Things to Make Her Happy.

Did you learn that the best way to be a good partner is by being a provider financially, and placing a strong emphasis and spending lots of time on that?  So much of an emphasis that you have not ever really considered the social and emotional needs of your relationship?  Now don’t get me wrong, a man who provides his family is a good thing, better than a man who does not, but do you feel that to have a good relationship this is a top priority? Maybe because that is the model of behavior that you have seen for most of your life?  Dad would make money and focus on giving his family all the material things they needed and mom (even if she works) would take care of the emotional side of things. But you rarely saw mom and dad spending time together, making the essential emotional connections with each other. They seem to live peacefully in that relationship with each contributing to the family life, and as long as the basic needs are met everyone is happy.

When I look at the older generations of Asian couples I often see this situation, and to be honest this mentality can be very confusing to the average WF in today’s society. I can understand as a man, Asian or otherwise, there has been a long history of that type of relationship structure and providing for the ones you love makes you happy. That is a great thing, but for your average WF who was raised to be independent and care for herself she expects more from her relationship with you then just the basic comforts and material needs being met. She is looking for you to be her best friend, her confidant, and her lover. She wants you to share the financial responsibility of having a life and a family, but also expects you to be emotionally available for her and any children you have. The structure of the relationship is a 50/50 one where each contributes to the overall health and wealth of the family and your relationship.

I think today’s generation of Asian men is in a very different situation then their fathers before them.  Ten years ago your father would have not considered marring a non-Asian women, it just would not be the norm. The fear of cultural differences and pressure from family expectations would have not allowed it. I’ve sad it before, Asian men are pioneers when it comes to choosing who they want to be with and so understanding the dynamics of the AMWF relationship is important. The model of behavior that your parents provided for you cannot be fully applied, and if you think that just being good provider for her (like fancy cars, LV bags, and, etc…) without up keeping the emotional side of the relationship, it will inevitably end in failure.

I hear Asian men say it to me over and over, that they don’t want women who are materialistic. They want to get away from that because they see it a lot in Asian culture. Your WF won’t mind that nice gift you bought her, but it’s not required to show your love. She wants you to be emotionally there for her, she likes to see your softer side, and she wants to support you just as much as you want to support her. Only you don’t need fancy things to show status, or to prove that you love her, she simply wants you.

AMWF Love Asks You: Do You Bury Your Love Away?

So you’re interested in that WF, but for various reasons you’re not sure how things will work out? The reason could be anything from parent’s disapproval, long distance relations, or just the fact that you’re not sure how to approach her? With any or all of those reasons being a possible factor, I often see Asian men just bury their love away and force themselves to move on. I’ve seen men just stare at a beautiful girl from afar and even when the situation might present itself as a perfect opportunity to take action, it never happens.

I never really understood why. I see it in anime, dramas, and etc… the idea of self sacrifice for a greater good..or for a better future? I’m not really sure. My guess has always been that if you feel that it might be difficult, if there is not a very strong chance for marriage, then somehow you learned just to suppress the feelings of love and force yourself to move on? Did your parents perhaps influence the way your life should be lived and the types of risks that you should take?

In all honesty, why not give it a try and see what happens. Just say hello! I know it can be scary, but love it’s never easy. I think people forget that relationships take work and compromise. True, there is a point where you might know it’s not the right person and moving on is the best thing, but if you never give something a chance, will you never know how good it could be?

When it comes to relationships I think you should ask yourself this important question. Will I regret not talking any action?…. and if you answer yes then just go for it!

No regrets ! What’s your story?