The Connection Gap – Neglected AMWF Issues

Physical attraction is a funny thing.  As an Asian Male what you need to know about most is that it begins with a pass or fail. What I mean by that is that even before someone is remotely attracted to you, there needs to be a minimum level of hygiene, grooming, and overall image. Otherwise you will face some form of rejection from a female of interest. Even before you open your mouth you have already been pre-categorized into a no, maybe, or yes kind of guy. The reason for this is that people do not enjoy being emotionally torn apart by a relationship that could have been easily avoided.We do our very best to avoid the creepy, abusive, or twisted individuals, sometimes they manage to slip through the barriers.

When it comes to short-term relationships, the short-term criteria doesn’t necessarily equate to a fulfilling long-term relationship. In the short-term relationship, the excitement lies in the intensity and mysteriousness of the relationship. I would even go as far as to call it the honeymoon phase where passion often expressed in a physical manner. This may also include the provision of gifts or gestures that Asian Males use to show their affection. It is not uncommon to see gifts early on, or have him decline your offer to split the bill. To this day I still witness the typical feud between family friends and my parents when it comes to paying the bill for dinner. Being a provider is one quality Asian men pride themselves on.

Perhaps that may draw parallels to why Asian Parents tend to pressure their kids into taking a professional career. With a generous amount of remuneration, they would be capable of being solid providers and not struggle financially. Traditionally it would be common to have the husband of the family be the sole income earner while the wife would allocate the household resources. This is what Asian men believe makes them a man. To this day, even I still believe it to be true – well at least partially true. Enter long-term relationships.

While being a solid provider is great, that is also the problem in a long-term relationship with an Asian Male. That’s all it is. You believe him to be a good person – someone trustworthy, loyal, and attentive. You know for sure he cares for you, but deep down inside as a White Female, you still feel incomplete.  This is what I like to call the Connection Gap.

The Connection Gap

The easiest way to explain this is to break it down from Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Essentially it is as follows:

Level of Need Asian Male White Female
Physiological As the provider, this can be attended to financially. A healthy lifestyle and a place to call home.
Safety/Security A stable job, house, and car. A comfortable lifestyle, extravagant is bonus, but not required.
Social Some friends, co-workers, neighbours, and family. Always large gatherings for special events.

Parents may play a large role in the decision making process.

To enjoy an event with others (i.e. sport event at the bar with the boys).

The “status” of being taken.

A network of family, friends, and partner to share life with.

Establishing and maintaining a strong connection with her partner. A close support network to turn to no matter how tiny the issue is.

Bonding as a group through conversation (girls night out).

Being surprised with signals of affection every now and then.

 

Esteem Largely based on having a happy marriage often with direct family support.

“If the partner is happy, then I am happy.”

Friends are present physically and virtually to share milestones and accomplishments.

To not be hated by anyone.

Being appreciated and needed by her partner and close network.

Sharing accomplishments first with the ones she loves the most.

Having love reciprocated in a genuine manner

Self-fulfillment Engage in activities that require sufficient skill and challenge.

Technical: Photography, Model building

Creative: Music, Acting, Singing

Generosity: Volunteering

Transcend beyond the physical and engage mentally, emotionally, and possibility spiritually.

Engage in charitable (youth group), creative (painting), or spiritual activities (yoga).

Now this is just a hypothetical example illustrating the two different viewpoints that applies to males and females and not just AMWF exclusively. Where the Connection Gap lies is when the Asian Male is focused on the Safety/Security or Social Level when the White Female is looking for Esteem and Self-fulfillment needs. Consequently the Asian Male will feel content with the relationship because he clearly is doing his job providing. While having basic needs and safety taken care of is excellent, there are often higher levels of esteem and self-fulfillment that are neglected in an AMWF relationship. If left unattended for extended periods of time, the relationship risks deterioration.

Dealing with the Connection Gap

If not already in a relationship, a White Female may choose to find someone who she feels able to meet that social, esteem, and self-fulfillment needs. As a result, instead of choosing Technophiles, the White Female may opt for the Comedian archetype. Asian Males who are naturally the Comedian type will attract many through their jovial temperament. Others prefer the Ambitious to provide the energy and intensity she craves on a social and esteem basis.  Individuals are few in numbers, but are often the most suitable to meet the self-fulfillment needs given their creativity, expression, and awareness.

What about the poor Technophile who was pushed aside? There’s nothing to fear – the most important thing to remember regardless of TCAI group is the ability to open and maintain healthy channels of communication between each other. While there is no perfect formula, there are two general steps. The first is to encourage healthy communication by taking a proactive stance. Instead of her always trying to bring up issues, take the opportunity as an Asian Male to genuinely let her know that you care and want to listen to her. After that is done, be sure to carry out actions deemed necessary.  Even though there are inherent gaps in the connection, by making an honest effort you move one step closer. Continue the process and grow together in the AMWF Relationship. The sooner you address the situation, the better. Don’t wait for things to get to nuclear levels as an Asian Male. Not only will the relationship become unmanageable, but it may lead to its eventual demise.

Men from Asia: Pioneers in the Western Dating Market

Regardless of most external factors, the mentality of the Asian male is largely based on his family’s influence. We all know that mom traditionally is the one in charge of raising the children, domestic duties, enforcing morals/values, and achievements in education. Perhaps when you were in school as a child your life was regimented and overseen by her. She made sure you spent more time studying then socializing with other children, kept you on schedule for piano lessons or other activities. She made sure all your needs were met, and that you spent enough time meeting your obligations to family and close family friends (So much in fact that you maybe never needed other friends around). She was the center of your world!

Asian fathers do have a say in most matters, but in the end the decisions still seems to fall on mom when it comes to her son’s happiness and well being. She already has thought about your career, marriage, kids, and grand kids, before you even knew how you felt about it yourself.  Now don’t get me wrong, I give Asian moms credit because they just want your life to be a good one. Free from poverty, problems, and anything that would ruin your chances of happiness is life. In theory this is all fine and good, but when it comes to wanting something different then what mom thinks is best for you, now you’re playing a different  game.

So when it comes to dating western women, or someone from a different culture all together, I bet you realize this might be tricky. Let’s be honest, if your mom is traditional it’s not going to be easy. If your mom is open to minded, it will be much better. But any way you look at it, there may be obstacles standing in your way. Anything from distance and location, time zone differences, language and etc… Even with all that, you know you can make it work. But when you need to sit down and tell mom that you are interested, want to date seriously, or in love with that oh so special foreign lady, now that’s the hardest part.  Now when you tell her how you feel about this western woman, mom will probably be thinking one thing. Will my son, and my grandchildren, have a better life with this women, than he could have in his own country, with his own race?

It’s not a bad question, but I feel it is one that plants the seed of doubt in your mind. One that makes you question your own personal feeling, needs, and wants. I just keep finding that men from Asian countries are hesitant to date and marry white women. I think they feel things wont, or might not work out. That they feel they may disappoint or let down there mom, family, and social obligations. I think that it often puts them in a position to go against perhaps their family or community, and that can be difficult. So when I think about the men from Asia, who do learn English, study western cultures, who stay up all night to talk online, I give them a lot of credit.

So why are you a pioneer? Because as a man living in Asia, you may find yourself in a position that requires you to do something none of your friends of family have done before. You will need to be the guy that says, I want what I want, I do what I feel is right for me, regardless of the social pressures that surround me. Yes that’s you. You can be that guy who goes after what he wants. No you don’t have to disown your family, friends, or leave your culture behind, you just need to the have confidence to do what’s right for you. So if it’s what you want, the only thing that could ever really stop you is you. Go discover, explore, and make your dreams a reality. You are a pioneer!

Interpersonal Relationships – Using TCAI

 

Our favourite model is back again. When dealing with describing Asian Men, I find it most useful to make four distinct Archetypes of Asian Men. Like I have always said before, every Asian male has qualities from all four types, but there is usually one predominant over the other three. This time I will discuss the interpersonal relationships using the TCAI Model. This can be used when talking to Asian Men, as a White Female, or even any other person – regardless of relation.

This idea came apparent to me when I was imagining different types of people at the podium giving a public speech. I contemplated on what they would say, but what struck me was the underlying purpose of their speech.

The Technophile: To be greatly appreciated

When talking to a Technophile type, it is important to recognize his contributions and show your appreciation. Since the Technophile is usually a more introverted type, the ways of showing your gratitude can be a simple thanks.  These people are technically savvy, with great knowledge and skill. However when it comes to the communication department, it is very difficult for them to fully express what or how they feel. Fortunately they can recognize the emotions of gratitude and appreciation. Their actions speak louder than their words.

Conversational elements will include: the latest news on electronics and technology, current events, new and upcoming cars, or exciting video games.

The Comedian: To be loved & adored

There is no better feeling to them than to be loved and adored by everyone around them.  Comedians are the ones who can harness the power of humour to bring smiles to everyone’s faces. It comes almost natural to them.  When observing a Comedian in conversation with others, they will be the one taking centre stage, feeding off the beaming smiles of their audience.  Being around people is not a problem for the innately extroverted Comedian. Throughout and by the end of the interaction, the audience remembers how the Comedian made them laugh and brought out joyful memories.

Comedians prefer conversing about popular culture, fashion, sports, social events, card games, and board games. Honestly anything that creates an audience and is funny.

The Ambitious: To be respected & revered

Ambitious types love being respected and revered because they believe that it has been earned. Usually in high social or career positions, they sacrificed much of their youthful leisure to attain such high status. This is different from the Technophile and Comedian in a very slight subtle way. Technophiles places others on a higher position than them, while Comedians prefer the same level. For the Ambitious, they may see that everyone is subordinate to them. At worst it can be felt as bossy, but they really want to do their best. Given that they have a high position, they believe that they have an even greater responsibility to contribute.

For the Ambitious, they have a multitude of topics to talk about. Actually they can be fairly well versed in any topic, but they have a natural gravitation to elements that give elite social status. The purpose of the conversation is to be admired. You will stop and say, “Wow”. They draw similar elements of the Technophiles with the latest gadgets, but they are only focused on the best.  They too enjoy the topics of the Comedians as well, but the underlying intention is not to make you smile, it’s for you to drop your jaw in awe of their presence.

The Individual: To be deeply moved

There’s quite a diverse variety of Individuals. They can range from the quirky types to ones who create the trend before it even begins. To them, it’s not about being appreciated, loved, or revered. Actually, it really is about understanding what they do and the great deal of work they put into it. If Individuals were to give a speech, it would be something so convincing and touching that you would be deeply moved by it. You would feel pathos, to respond so powerfully emotionally that you may reach an epiphany.

Individuals can also talk about anything for the most part, however what they truly enjoy are elements which pertain to our own humanity as a whole. They love design, form, or any ideas that express freedom.  They really do not care if they are loved or hated; they just want to be understood. These are the types that believe they leave a piece of themselves in everything that they do. That’s what makes it real.

The Chrysanthemum and the Sword – Guilt & Shame

My latest inspiration comes from Ruth Benedict’s book describing the nature and behaviour of Japanese society during the Second World War. Even though this book was published in 1946, many ideas described in her book still exist. Perhaps they are not as evident, but the fundamental principles still remain. In most cases, when I was growing up, I learned how to behave by example and getting scolded by my parents. Television and school also played a major role in developing my character today. One of the things that struck me was the fact that Ruth Benedict’s description of the Guilt Culture as well as the Shame Culture.

Guilt

Now there are two types of guilt. One is defined by moral or penal law, the one where you plead guilty or innocent. The other is the internal feeling of responsibility or remorse for wrong doing. What is important about this is that guilt comes from within. Nobody makes you feel guilty but yourself. People may try to convince you to feel guilty, but ultimately you let yourself feel that way. With the Judaism and Christian influences in Western Culture, after experiencing guilt, we confess our errors and make amends. Of course if it severely violates legal and moral codes, that would result in more severe punishments. It is specific to the moment you made your error.

Shame

Christianity or other guilt-based ideals did not spread quickly to most Asian Nations. In contrast to the Western countries, a shame based society is more prevalent – In this sense, shame meaning the social implications when society has harmful knowledge of you, whether it is true or not. Think of bullying, when someone distorts information to be hurtful, the victim in shame based culture is severely wounded mentally and emotionally. What separates shame from guilt is that the feeling is both external and internal, while guilt is felt by the individual only. Shame is the general feeling of evaluating yourself based on how others would view you.

Comparing the Two

In addition to the distinction between guilt being the self, and shame an internalized interpretation of what society thinks of you, the two function differently.

When faced with a guilty verdict when you know you are innocent.
Guilt Culture – An individual will fight his innocence, for he did not do anything wrong.
Shame Culture – An individual will feel shame, regardless if it is true or not. Society has stained this individual and he has brought shame to his name and family.

When others do not know of what you did (or openly express it), yet you know you did something wrong.
Guilt Culture – Moral code and ethics will give you the realization of what you did was wrong, and you will feel remorse for it.
Shame Culture – If nobody knows about it, then no shame is brought. Life goes on.

Putting it together

Shame is a strong motivating tool in Asian culture because of the nature of the family system. To keep the children in order, a parent can exercise verbal dominance early to reinforce shame. Not only will they share with immediate family, they can also share the news to friends. The feeling of being ostracized or singled out is a miserable feeling for Asian men regardless of being raised in Asia or North America.

What does separate Asians raised in Asia from their North American counterparts is how well the internal guilt is developed. Much of this development comes from exposure to television, friends, school, and family. It is something learned and established. This is also what makes it disturbing, since this is a learned trait. If someone has not developed any ability to feel guilt, then the only way to measure up is to base yourself on what others think of you. Furthermore this is a serious issue for the White Female when you don’t feel remorse for your actions even though you have not been singled out, yet.

Just because you haven’t been caught (or reprimanded) yet does not mean you should keep doing it. While no culture is purely guilt or shame, but a combination of both, the East still tends to lead towards shame, while Western cultures will utilize guilt. We can all learn from each other, but be sure as the Asian Male to keep an open mind to your White Female. She is not there to make you feel ashamed of your faults; she wants you to be a better person.

Why are Men from Asia Worried About Having a Relationship with White Women?

In a collectivist society, when it comes to dating and relationships, you are almost 100% guaranteed to know what you getting into. I mean lets face it, when everyone is taught to behave the same way without much variations, you pretty much know what to expect from your partner. Sure, there will be differences in materialist things like looks, money, status and etc, but aside from that, you know what you’re getting. But as a man from Asia looking out onto the western world, into a sea of women that all look different and are from different cultures, I can image that you must feel unsure about pursuing western women. Let me put your mind at ease.

Everyone has there own opinion about what they like and dislike. Some people are just naturally drawn to certain lifestyles and cultures, which in my mind is perfectly acceptable. Knowing what makes you happy, and what you are comfortable with really the first step in meeting white women.  Think of it this way guys, you have the entire world to pick from! Yes that’s right. If you want exactly what you have before you, then you don’t really need to look far, but if you are looking for something different, then you’ll need to look outside your own country. That’s not always the case, as there are many modern cities all over Asia where western women live and work, but the majority are often found on the other side of the world. Don’t let the fact that you may need to do a some extra work to meet someone stop you from learning more about, and meeting women from a culture that you are interested in. Without risk there is no reward!

So, western women look attractive to you, and you may be interested in a particular culture, but what about the things that are important in keep a stable and happy relationship.  Things like your morals and values, how can you know if you will be able meet someone that will meet your criteria.  Well there are no guarantees in life, but the one thing I can confidently say about white women is that we are as diverse as it gets. In western society there are common values that we all share, but we are raised to respect others rights to have different values. So it’s really just a matter of finding the combination of looks, personality, and values/morals you are looking for. The possibilities are really endless, and honestly that’s the best part about it!

Well what if I find that, will she be accepting of my culture? Could we have a life together? Raise children? What would there life be like? What about religious differences? These are all great questions and I hear them quite often. Many men from Asia might be willing to date western women, but can it really work for the long term. If you find yourself asking these questions I want you to remember this one thing. Repeat after me, we are all human, and therefore we are all the same.  We may have grown up on opposite sides of the world, with some cultural differences, but when it comes down to it, we are all human. We all feel pain, joy, sorrow, guilt, and experience life the same way. The more you get to know people from any age, race, or country, the more you will see that what we experience is very similar.  Western women will see you as an equal to them, respect you, and want to understand you just as much as you want to understand them. Western women will also will appreciate all the good things your culture has to offer, your hard work ethic, dedication to family, and etc..

White women are in general raised to be mature, forgiving, accepting, confident, more in touch with their bodies, more outspoken, have character and lots personality, and we want to share ourselves with you. Honestly as women in the western world, I am so used to diversity that I would be strange not to see it on a daily basis. We are used to it here, we embrace it, and we will embrace you. If you have ever talked to any AMWF couples you will find that there is usually never a problem with blending cultures, that each is open and accepting of each other. They are dedicated and committed to a long lasting relationship, and are willing to work hard to keep each other happy. That’s exactly what she wants for herself, and what she wants from you also. So stop worrying if thing will work out, because it will. You will find that beautiful women who will have the values/morals you want. You will have no problem raising your children, or doing anything else you could have done in your home country. With the right person things will all work out. So get out there guys, you have the whole world to choose from!

 

The Forgotten Asian Father – Using TCAI

TCAII was requested by a reader of our blog to write about Asian Fathers. In most situations we usually hear about the Asian mother, how she can be controlling or vicious at times – but the father always seems to be left out. As posted earlier, Asians have a family lifestyle based on many Confucian principles that have been passed generation after generation. A typical Asian parenting system segregates the mother and father into two different roles. The father would work tirelessly to provide all basic needs to the family, while the mother would be in control of all domestic issues of the household. For the families that both parents work, it’s usually a small business that both parents run together. The mother would still feel responsible for raising the children in addition to her working commitments.

Though I have talked about the Asian male using the TCAI model we have developed at AMWF Love, this still applies to the Asian father as well. The breakdown is as follows.

The Technophile Dad

Possible Occupations: Family Physician, Engineer, Systems Analyst, Chemist, Physicist, Programmer, Staff Accountant, Pharmacist, Dentist, etc.

Coupled with the Ambitious Dad, this is probably the most common type of dad you will find. The reason why they are common is the values placed on education in Asia. Good grades do get you jobs, but they are jobs that are highly technical.

Much of their work is very technical and requires a great deal of thinking and careful skill. In most cases these occupations are not harsh on physical labour, but require much mental focus. When it comes to parenting, these types of fathers would fall under the traditional setup of being the provider for household income. The mother would then take full responsibilities of the domestic issues and including the payment of bills. Many issues will default to the mother’s opinion. The father will tend to agree with her, because she knows best. You will usually find this type of father the most aloof.

Default to the mother for issues – dad has no input.

The Comedian Dad

Possible Occupations:  Emergency Medical Technician, Physical Therapist, Pediatrician, Teacher, Education Administrator, Journalist, Actor, Financial Advisor, Financial Manager, Sales Manager, Civil Servant, Computer Support Specialists, Corporate Trainer, Public Relations Specialist, etc.

Being around people invigorates this type of Asian Father. Usually extroverted they use their strong knowledge in popular culture and social skills to gather groups of people together. There are not many of these types because traditionally being introverted and meek was highly treasured in Asia. For the ones who came to North America for post-secondary, their control of English is much stronger than those who have just moved to Canada or the United States. Thus an extroverted comedian type of father is usually fairly open to interracial dating. In this case, the mother plays more of a caring and nurturing role. Fortunately there is rarely a nasty side to her – but she may mother her son too much.

This is a fairly equal split between mom and dad – but they will usually have one unified opinion with situations.

The Ambitious Dad

Possible Occupations: Surgeon, Lawyer, Auditor, Entrepreneur, General Contractor, Politician, Senior Level Executive, Professional Athlete, Business General Manager, Military Leaders, etc.

In addition to the Technophile Father, the Ambitious Dad is someone to be feared yet respected at the same time. This type of Father works tirelessly to provide for his household. He spent years slaving away at school while his friends were partying. Ambitious Fathers believe they have every right to be strict. Hard work and focus led them to success and they expect their children to follow suit. After reaping their fruits of labour, they love hosting parties to indirectly showcase their successes.

The most difficult part dealing with Ambitious Fathers is their lack of emotional nurturing. They want to be proud of their children for their successes, and also want the bragging rights as well. Failure is not an option.

You may end up with a son with strained relations with his father. He will be very disciplined from the constant disappointment of his father – and hardened by his lack of emotional love from the family.

The Individual Dad

Possible Occupations: Architect, Psychologist, Writer, Designer, Artistic Director, Pilot, Consultants, Photographers, Composer, Philanthropist, etc.

These are extremely rare types.  To be an individual requires rejecting a collectivist mindset and truly believing in himself. Beyond the analytical situations with a yes/no, true/false, debit/credit, they embrace the fact that there is a grey area. Interracial dating is not an issue for the Individual Father, but having a son who has no idea about his own heritage is unacceptable. He is very capable of expressing his viewpoint, but often does not enforce it unless it is imperative. Free thinking can get you incarcerated in various Asian countries, and as a result there are such few types of these Individuals.

Depending on what the father feels is appropriate, he will help guide his son to excellence.

Dealing with His Father

Depending on the situation, you may love or have great difficulty dealing with his dad. Definitely the toughest one to please is the Ambitious Father who places such high standards on success. As a White Female, you may have to acknowledge that he is always number one. Success in Asian culture is strongly based on material wealth (which a high paying job provides). Even the Emperor had concubines – it was a sign of respect in the Old World because a man had to support every single wife. As a female, you may have to literally jump through hoops to prove that it is truly love.

A Technophile Father will just be happy to see is son dating. He remembers how daunting the dating experience was for him. Showing love and dedication to his family will win their hearts.

The Comedian Father never runs out of stories to tell. He’s also a complete sucker for beautiful women. Perhaps he is both proud and jealous his son managed to date a White Female.

Finally the Individual type of Father will virtually have no gripes at all. His perceptive nature allows him to truly tell if it’s love or not. While the Technophile and Ambitious types tend to be more conservative, the Comedians and Individuals are much more liberal and open to change. Although my dad has elements of each of the four types of TCAI, I would peg my father to actually be closest to a comedian. He does do some crazy things, but he brings a smile to everyone’s face. My siblings ended up as the Ambitious type, but somehow I found myself to be an Individual. Anything can happen.

Asian men often wonder: Do less divorces in Asia mean more dedication and happier marriages?

Asian men have expressed concern when it comes to white women and the higher divorce rates often found in the westernized counties. The main concern with the higher divorce rates is that it brings into question the dedication that western women would have in marriage and relationships. For traditional Asian cultures the idea of divorce is something that is still not favored, just as it was not favored in westernized cultures many years ago. Today that mentality still exists in the west, somewhat, but there are allowances for situations and persons; as the west is after all an individualistic based society.

I have always believed that family is most important. I was raised that way just like much of Asia (I guess), but I also was raised to marry for love, and happiness. I was raised to understand that your partner should treat you with respect, but that respect was not just about providing financial stability or for status.  So like many people in the west, this mentality would naturally lead us to leave a relationship that would not provide emotional stability. On the flip side, I have watched many Asian couples and noticed that the husbands and wives are often separate, at home they are off around the house doing separate activities, and you just rarely ever see them spend quality time talking, sharing, or expressing affection. So I wondered then if the function of marriage is what’s still different between cultures?

If women in the west were simply satisfied with a husband who provided money and a comfortable home for her children, she would also not seek to separate, no matter how much an emotional connection lacks between them. But a westernized woman does not see a relationship that lacks communication, passion, love and respect as a stable environment, for herself and for her children. Perhaps some women and men in Asia still see the function of marriage as a way to provide for material things, and they are willing to put up with the lack of affection, love, and expression. Perhaps here are the reasons why we see more separations in the west, because we just think differently about what marriage should be.

Now I can’t say this is factually true, because I have no data to prove it. I can’t say this is false because I have made these observations myself and have talked to many Asian men about it. But I think the real point is that regardless of the rate of divorces in any country, we can not say that people are happier when they don’t separate. Much of Asia is quite modern and westernized, and our generation may really agree on what marriage should be as compared to previous generations. Overall though, I don’t think Asian men who are interested in westernized women need to worry. If she is happy, why would she ever want to leave you? So to all the Asian men who worry about western women being dedicated to you, don’t be. With your dedicated, respectful, communicative, and loving nature you will always be sure to please her.

Western Women and Foreign Asian Men

So there has been a lot of talk, articles, and some books instructing and encouraging Asian men in the art of attracting a westernized female.  But rarely do you see anything directed specifically at westernized women who are interested in Asian men. So I thought I would explore this topic a bit, because it seems to me that women should play a big part in attracting an Asian male as well.

Let’s take a step back and think about how the average Asian male is presented in westernized society. In movies and TV, Asian men are mostly seen as side kicks, gangsters, martial artists, and anything but the type of guy that would come along and romance a westernized women.  So when it comes to a women’s natural instinct to be attracted to a sexually competent man, Asian men have not taken center stage in this regard (even though we know Asian men are just as good lovers as any man).  Further, when it comes to a man’s physical appearance, westernized culture has taught women to look for tall, well dressed, men with more stereotypically masculine features. Again we often find that some Asian men are shorter then the average westernized women, thinner in body build, and have less stereotypical masculine features then their white male counterparts. Despite all this, many women actually find these more traditional characteristic of Asian men attractive. Yes, really, I am not joking…How many times do I hear women say I love Asian eyes, hair, and features? How many times do I hear westernized women say they are interested in Asian cultures?  I hear it quite often.

So as a women what’s stopping us from taking that step to talk to an Asian man we may find attractive? Traditionally men were supposed to make the first move, initiate contact, but this is a modern era where women are running companies, and changing the world! So as far as I am concerned there is no excuse for not approaching a man when you are interested. Most westernized women are raised to be friendly and confident, so you go girl! Ok wait, that’s all well and good, but what if I don’t know how he will respond to me. Maybe he still has a traditional way of thinking and would never consider being with a westernized women. What if he has some feelings of inferiority because I make more money then him? (Which can often happen for those men who live in china, and etc..) What if he has had a bad experience with other westernized women? Would he even be willing to give me a chance?

Theses are questions I know run through every woman’s mind when she is interested in a man from Asia. No matter how much she may know about the culture, language, foods, and etc, she still has reservations. The same reservations an Asian man may have about westernized females.  So, when you really look at the situation its kind of funny because the very things that we are attracted to are the things that sometimes keep us from making that move to talk to that guy.  If you have ever talked to any AMWF couples you will find that there is usually never a problem with blending cultures, that each is open and accepting of each other. They are dedicated and committed to a long lasting relationship, and are willing to work hard to keep each other happy. So let me ask you, what is stopping you from removing the barriers of stereotypes, from talking to that cute Asian guy….nothing… right!

TCAI – Part II

I’ve decided that I should update the information based on my previous breakdown of the four male archetypes. If you missed the first part of this, click here for “TCAI Deconstructed” to learn more.

The general breakdown was to acknowledge that there are roughly four predominant types of Asian men. Each Asian male has a unique blend of all four types, but one of them is usually dominant. This is definitely not to say that an Asian male must permanently remain as one type. To change requires some time, but definitely can be done.

The numbers game

As you would expect, the illustration created before was to reflect the relative proportion of the male archetypes. The most popular would be the technophiles. When I speak of technophiles, it is just a general statement of our association with technology and knowledge. We love the latest gadgets, video games, computers, cars, and others things related to electronics really because there’s this intuition. Things just made sense. This also applies to many other fields math and natural science related. Their technical knowledge is astounding.

Unfortunately the biggest drawbacks would be their lack of athleticism and social skills.  If you don’t mind sharing the occasional geeky moment with them, by choosing a technophile you will be rewarded with an extremely loyal and generous partner.

With the comedians, these are the extroverts of the Asian bunch. There is nothing more they like other than to be loved by others. With their strength of humor, they have this natural ability to have people gravitate towards them. They are easy to approach, yet very playful in their words.  What you will also notice in this group is their loyal following of mainstream luxury brands. They are always trendy, and have this fresh approach to their style. There is this natural confidence to them that women find attractive.

However, sometimes being a White Female you may question their methods. Since he is so outgoing, sometimes it’s difficult to get his attention while at social gatherings. The way he treats one female is almost identical as another.  Somehow the lines become blurred between a friend and someone he has a deep romantic interest with. Your job as the White Female is to reel him into reality and make sure he remembers who you are. Either play second fiddle or show him who is boss.

The final two ambitious and individuals are uncommon and rare respectively. Most encounters with Asian men are technophiles or comedians, but when you do run into the ambitious or individual you will be in for a surprise.

Ambitious Asian men can be spotted easily.  Unlike their comedian counterparts, ambitious Asian men have strong goals outlined for them. Instead of being loved, they want to be respected and revered. The ambitious have spent years slaving away at education and careers, so they believe they have every right to reap the benefits of their hard work. You will find them always arriving late to parties with the intent of being noticed by everyone as they proudly walk in.  Yes they are confident, but it often it is misunderstood as cockiness or down right brash arrogance. Sometimes you will sense an elitist tone, but only because they place such strong expectations on themselves, and really hope that everyone also does the same. These men dislike being dominated, and the occasional ego stroke is as good as a back rub. While this may not be the ideal matchup for everyone, it is a wild and exciting ride.

If you happen to meet the individual archetype, you may be how unique he truly is. This type of guy is just like no other. He clearly has his own identity, choices of words, and means of expression. He doesn’t live to be loved or respected, but does things to understand himself and the entire world. In a sense, he wants to progress society, or bring about change. Being outgoing or reserved is absolutely of no relevance to them. Usually they have found one form of media to express themselves. These kinds of guys can make trends before the mainstream adopt it years later. What this type of Asian male really needs is to be acknowledged as unique, and needs the freedom to express. At worst he may be engrossed in his mode of expression, but he truly loves what he does, and he loves you even more because you enable him to be with the things and people he loves.

The bottom line: Find out what kind of Asian male you’re attracted to and give him what he needs.

Oh, Materialism

Just because I have preferences for Caucasian females doesn’t mean that I attracted to every single one of them. As I’ve mentioned before, what makes them so attractive to me is their qualities of communication and expression. This is not to say that Asian women do not have any of these qualities, but I have not been fortunate enough to experience it.

In terms of physical attraction, she has to be attractive. Well I’m not asking for drop dead gorgeous, but she carries herself in her feminine grace. She takes care of her physique with a balanced diet and regular exercise, and keeps a natural look in terms of makeup. Some people say that Asian men prefer straight hair on their woman, but I would say it really doesn’t matter. Perhaps if they are born and raised in Asia, then it’s something they are used to, but for me, whatever you like – just keep it tasteful. This good taste also applies to fashion as well. Women in general have a keen sense of fashion unlike their male counterparts.

What I have noticed from Asian fashion and European fashion is there’s a subtle difference in the ideologies. Asian fashions tend to have this blending in quality. The lines are smoother and less pronounced than European fashion, in a sense diverging energy away. This may not seem so apparent in North America because the style has its unique identity here – but in Asia, it’s ubiquitous. I really have no problem with that. What really drives me up the wall is materialism. The accumulation of designer purses turns me off.  How about you spend that money towards something more useful, like your mortgage or monthly utilities?

Yes, Asians have this inherent nature of respect, but beyond the general seniority rule, Asian culture somehow places emphasis on social status. In a sense, everyone would love to be wealthy, but this takes precedence over happiness in Asian culture. You could say the order of our priorities is: Job, money, social status, family, then finally “love and happiness”.

For Caucasian women, love and happiness takes higher priority – they don’t mind living comfortably without a lavish lifestyle. This is a refreshing change for Asian men who have spent a great majority of their time pursuing Asian females. The bonus is that we are still programmed to provide as an Asian male. Really, it’s because we don’t have many ways of expressing ourselves, we just want to show that we care.

The toughest part for Asian men is learning to break free of some societal expectations. We are often placed into a submissive role dominated by the female. The woman in the relationship has quite a bit of leverage. While the male is programmed for income earning, the woman dictates how the funds are managed for the household. While we may not know this, it’s instinctively programmed into the Asian male.

The bottom line, make sure you know what you want.