Only if the “Undo” Command Worked in Real Life

Our favorite geeky command – whether it is Ctrl-Z or Command-Z, this is the quintessential keyboard combination when things don’t work the way we want it to. Didn’t like the line you drew in your graphics program? No problem, “undo” and try again. Renamed the wrong file? There’s an “undo” for that too! This was the beauty of technology. In a way you could say this was a form of trial and error in a more unemotional and analytical procedure. Now only if this worked in the real world.

Just like many of you I have had my relationship blunders. I’ve been paralyzed by complete fear of messing up conversations, forgotten many important dates (uh oh), or came off a little too intense in relationships. While I am not proud of those moments, I look back realizing they were important life lessons. I have done it all. Missed the kiss on her lips because I prematurely closed my eyes? Yup, did it. Confessed my feelings to a girl who I thought was interested but got completely shot down? I did that too. Being completely oblivious to a girl interested in me when I ditched her to go cram for my final? Yes I actually did that.

As much as I would like to fix my embarrassing relationship blunders (good thing I don’t talk about the other things), there is no “undo” command.  I have learned to accept my tribulations with a smile. Then it kind of hit me. I was certain that I was not the only Asian Male in the world that royally screwed up things. Had I been raised in a very tradition Asian environment filled with shame as the social regulator, I would have burrowed deep into my shell to avoid contact with the public. Friends and family would endless harass me for my gaffes. Instead having guilt as a form of social regulation in Western Culture, I feel somewhat liberated sharing my mortifying moments in life.

Back to the “Undo” command, when it comes to actual real life situations, there is no reversal button we can press when we stumble.  This is very common with new relationships as well as long-term ones. For the Asian Male, this now becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy “No mistakes will happen if we take an inactive/passive position”.  Who needs to “Undo” things when there is nothing to “undo”? In other words, it comes back down to our favorite Asian Male inhibitor, fear. The fear of utterly embarrassing yourself and face a lifelong earful of shame from friends and family is definitely a strong deterrent for Asian Males when it comes to approaching women (and also while being in a relationship).

So what can Asian Males do? The first part is to realize that perfection in real life does not exist. While theoretical and analytical procedures allows us to create hypothetical models, that’s all it is, just theory. As much as we want that 100% in love and relationships, it’s okay, you aren’t going to get lectured by your Asian parents for the missing 2% when you get a 98%. The next thing is to go for it. Just give it a try. Yes you will stumble and blunder, but it’s still better than doing nothing. Finally, look back at the moments learn the important life lessons and try again (with the newfound knowledge). When you can look back and laugh about it, you will be fine – no Ctrl-Z or Command-Z required.

You Don’t Need to Buy Her Fancy Things to Make Her Happy.

Did you learn that the best way to be a good partner is by being a provider financially, and placing a strong emphasis and spending lots of time on that?  So much of an emphasis that you have not ever really considered the social and emotional needs of your relationship?  Now don’t get me wrong, a man who provides his family is a good thing, better than a man who does not, but do you feel that to have a good relationship this is a top priority? Maybe because that is the model of behavior that you have seen for most of your life?  Dad would make money and focus on giving his family all the material things they needed and mom (even if she works) would take care of the emotional side of things. But you rarely saw mom and dad spending time together, making the essential emotional connections with each other. They seem to live peacefully in that relationship with each contributing to the family life, and as long as the basic needs are met everyone is happy.

When I look at the older generations of Asian couples I often see this situation, and to be honest this mentality can be very confusing to the average WF in today’s society. I can understand as a man, Asian or otherwise, there has been a long history of that type of relationship structure and providing for the ones you love makes you happy. That is a great thing, but for your average WF who was raised to be independent and care for herself she expects more from her relationship with you then just the basic comforts and material needs being met. She is looking for you to be her best friend, her confidant, and her lover. She wants you to share the financial responsibility of having a life and a family, but also expects you to be emotionally available for her and any children you have. The structure of the relationship is a 50/50 one where each contributes to the overall health and wealth of the family and your relationship.

I think today’s generation of Asian men is in a very different situation then their fathers before them.  Ten years ago your father would have not considered marring a non-Asian women, it just would not be the norm. The fear of cultural differences and pressure from family expectations would have not allowed it. I’ve sad it before, Asian men are pioneers when it comes to choosing who they want to be with and so understanding the dynamics of the AMWF relationship is important. The model of behavior that your parents provided for you cannot be fully applied, and if you think that just being good provider for her (like fancy cars, LV bags, and, etc…) without up keeping the emotional side of the relationship, it will inevitably end in failure.

I hear Asian men say it to me over and over, that they don’t want women who are materialistic. They want to get away from that because they see it a lot in Asian culture. Your WF won’t mind that nice gift you bought her, but it’s not required to show your love. She wants you to be emotionally there for her, she likes to see your softer side, and she wants to support you just as much as you want to support her. Only you don’t need fancy things to show status, or to prove that you love her, she simply wants you.

When You Live in Asia, WF’s are Hard to Find

So you love the way she looks, with her very distinct facial features like big, deep eyes, and straight nose. Of course you enjoy the curves, and the direct manner in which she tells you how she feels and what she wants. You are excited by the fact that she has a strong sense of personal character, independence, and her focus is rarely on the amount of money you make. The cultural differences are very exotic and it seems like all the things you would want. But there is one problem, you live in Asia and white women are hard to come across.

If you are like the many men in this position, you often find that most of the WFs just come and go. They may stay in your country for few months only and leave soon after. The younger group of WFs (in their 20’s) when in Asia often stay in the very western areas, and are often only found at bars and clubs(which to be honest is not the best place to meet anyone). Any thoughts you may have about trying to form a serious relationship seem almost not worth the effort because of the inevitability of such factors like long distance relationships or parents disapproval. You may also meet some opposition from your friends. When you tell them you are interested in dating and marring WFs, they might  think you are crazy. They may wonder why you just don’t just go after an Asian girl, as mom could set you up with the pretty daughter of her best friend making the process so much easier.

I’m sure you think, yeah there will always be guys who will be like that, friends who will just want to marry Asian, and that’s ok for them but not for me. But it’s so frustrating because even if I meet the often hard to find WFs living in Asia most of the time some other man had the same interest in western women and culture as you, and has already made his move. Grrrrrrr…. So what can I do?  You do have options and here they are:

Have a Positive Mindset

It takes a more independent minded and strong man to want to meet someone who is different, to see past the differences into something that could be so much better than just accepting what parents want, or social pressures. So it’s important that you always keep a positive attitude even when at times things can seem hopeless. Keep things in perspective and be confident in yourself. You want to meet someone your attracted too, not just any WF. Someone you truly have things in common with such as values, morals, and family. Don’t be discouraged if your meeting WF’s but nothing is working out. It takes time to find that special someone, so don’t give up!

Consider a Change in Location

If you are interested in western culture then you might want to consider studying, working, or trying out a cultural exchange program. This will allow you to meet, live, and be around western cultures. You will have the opportunity to improve your English/communication skills, and ultimately have the advantage when meeting WFs and socializing with them. Unfortunately as a women, most usually don’t consider or feel safe just moving to another country alone  even if we have an interest in Asian culture and men,( although some women do) so the task often falls on you to take the indicative to make your way to the west.

Make Friends (from all over the world)

Never underestimate how important friendships are. Friends will provide you with not only support, but the more western friends you have the more your chances are increased of meeting a WFs. You want to meet someone naturally, and for a women one of the ways we can trust you right away is if you already know someone we trust. This trust will put you miles ahead of the guy that approaches her out of the blue. Just make sure you express your interest right away.If you are not able to live for an extended period of time in the west, the internet is the next best option to establish and keep in touch with friends. Opportunities often appear when you least expect them!

Meeting her is really the first step, and all the other cultural and social thing will work out. Meeting her often seems to be the hardest part but don’t give up. Sure, it’s going to be odd when you want something outside the norm, but it’s always worth the effort. You never know where or when an opportunity will appear, so get out there!

A Decade Later – Have Perceptions Changed?

In 2001, Yankelovich Partners surveyed 1,002 Americans about Chinese American and Asian American stereotypes for the Committee of 100.  While this may have been over a decade ago, I find it still relevant and useful information. Among the many results I found, the two most interesting facts were regarding family disapproval of a marital partner and general attitude to Chinese Americans.  Approximately 24% of the sample indicated that an Asian American marital partner would face family disapproval and only 32% of the sample had positive opinions about Chinese Americans (43% Somewhat Negative and 25% Very Negative).

I have included a portion of the results in pie chart format. Since I am not Caucasian, I suppose I will comment on my own thoughts.

Historical Fears

Being Canadian myself, I went to take a look at some Canadian history of Asian immigration. After the Gold Rush came the construction of the Canadian Pacific Railway between 1880 and 1885. With poverty on the rise in China, approximately 15,000 Chinese labourers helped construct the railway often by moving rocks and the handling of unstable explosives. The Chinese worked long and hard hours, often for 30-50 percent of the regular pay. After the railway was completed, the trip back to China was unaffordable so they opted to remain in Canada.

With growing fear of the Chinese, in 1885 the Chinese (and only the Chinese) were imposed of a $50 head tax that would increase to $500 per person in 1903. (According to Canada in Making, that would be the equivalent of 2 years of salary) Even the Japanese faced heavy racism and were relocated to “internment labour camps” away from coastal British Columbia during the Second World War. What made matters even worse was that the majority of their personal assets were confiscated by the government and auctioned off.

Mind you that this was almost seventy years ago, and times have changed. Even in the 1970’s my father recollects his experiences with negative opinions against Asians in Canada.  Working various jobs to pay for post-secondary, he would be often be called by ethnic slurs, but fortunately did not face any physical abuse. In light of everything he took it all in stride and years later managed to reconnect with his high school sweetheart who recently moved to Canada from Hong Kong. I’m sure he would have been open to a Caucasian woman, but the perceptions in the 70’s may have been considerably harsher. (Had he done that I probably wouldn’t be here writing this article)

A Recollection of 2001

When this survey was carried out, I realized my perceptions of Caucasians were definitely different a decade ago. At that time, I would say about 90% of my friends were Asian, but because my involvement in competitive soccer, I did have a few Caucasian friends. I was one of those smart-athletic Asian types of guy. To my Asian friends, I was probably the only male that had experience in an AMWF Relationship. In all honesty, looking back when I was in that particular AMWF relationship, it was really under our common love for soccer.  I was physically attracted to White Females back then because they tended to be more athletic. This is probably because I was just beginning to develop emotionally. Yes I could talk about cultural specific things with Asian Females like our overbearing mothers, but I just felt like friendship was the only viable option.

Having a large Asian-based circle of friends was both comforting, but at the same time it was restrictive. With the majority of them being Hong Kong Chinese born Canadians, we stuck together. Birthdays were not forgotten, and I remember the intense nights of Pictionary or other group games. (Yes they were a nice bunch of friends) The more enjoyment of being as a group we shared, the closer we stuck together. Somehow only the White Males would be brave enough to enter our group, which we fully welcomed, but the White Female just never happened.

You could say we just grew too comfortable to make our group open to non-Asians. Perhaps we were viewed as a clique, but when your circle of Asian friends is large enough, it seems as if it doesn’t matter if the group looks closed off.

Present Day 2011

With a stronger level of emotional development and a level of maturity ten years later, I still do find White Females extremely attractive but for different reasons. Not only am I physically attracted to them, but also how they offer a completely different perspective on life that is more complementary than anything. Emotionally it has been very satisfying to communicate on a level beyond the frivolous and absolutely incredible when we respect each other’s viewpoint despite our differences. I am always blown away about how creative and expressive White Females can be (beyond basic fear and cheerfulness).

There is one slight problem, White Females like that are very rare. So Asian Men, if you do happen to run into an amazing person, don’t let the opportunity slip away – just go for it.

The Connection Gap – Neglected AMWF Issues

Physical attraction is a funny thing.  As an Asian Male what you need to know about most is that it begins with a pass or fail. What I mean by that is that even before someone is remotely attracted to you, there needs to be a minimum level of hygiene, grooming, and overall image. Otherwise you will face some form of rejection from a female of interest. Even before you open your mouth you have already been pre-categorized into a no, maybe, or yes kind of guy. The reason for this is that people do not enjoy being emotionally torn apart by a relationship that could have been easily avoided.We do our very best to avoid the creepy, abusive, or twisted individuals, sometimes they manage to slip through the barriers.

When it comes to short-term relationships, the short-term criteria doesn’t necessarily equate to a fulfilling long-term relationship. In the short-term relationship, the excitement lies in the intensity and mysteriousness of the relationship. I would even go as far as to call it the honeymoon phase where passion often expressed in a physical manner. This may also include the provision of gifts or gestures that Asian Males use to show their affection. It is not uncommon to see gifts early on, or have him decline your offer to split the bill. To this day I still witness the typical feud between family friends and my parents when it comes to paying the bill for dinner. Being a provider is one quality Asian men pride themselves on.

Perhaps that may draw parallels to why Asian Parents tend to pressure their kids into taking a professional career. With a generous amount of remuneration, they would be capable of being solid providers and not struggle financially. Traditionally it would be common to have the husband of the family be the sole income earner while the wife would allocate the household resources. This is what Asian men believe makes them a man. To this day, even I still believe it to be true – well at least partially true. Enter long-term relationships.

While being a solid provider is great, that is also the problem in a long-term relationship with an Asian Male. That’s all it is. You believe him to be a good person – someone trustworthy, loyal, and attentive. You know for sure he cares for you, but deep down inside as a White Female, you still feel incomplete.  This is what I like to call the Connection Gap.

The Connection Gap

The easiest way to explain this is to break it down from Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Essentially it is as follows:

Level of Need Asian Male White Female
Physiological As the provider, this can be attended to financially. A healthy lifestyle and a place to call home.
Safety/Security A stable job, house, and car. A comfortable lifestyle, extravagant is bonus, but not required.
Social Some friends, co-workers, neighbours, and family. Always large gatherings for special events.

Parents may play a large role in the decision making process.

To enjoy an event with others (i.e. sport event at the bar with the boys).

The “status” of being taken.

A network of family, friends, and partner to share life with.

Establishing and maintaining a strong connection with her partner. A close support network to turn to no matter how tiny the issue is.

Bonding as a group through conversation (girls night out).

Being surprised with signals of affection every now and then.

 

Esteem Largely based on having a happy marriage often with direct family support.

“If the partner is happy, then I am happy.”

Friends are present physically and virtually to share milestones and accomplishments.

To not be hated by anyone.

Being appreciated and needed by her partner and close network.

Sharing accomplishments first with the ones she loves the most.

Having love reciprocated in a genuine manner

Self-fulfillment Engage in activities that require sufficient skill and challenge.

Technical: Photography, Model building

Creative: Music, Acting, Singing

Generosity: Volunteering

Transcend beyond the physical and engage mentally, emotionally, and possibility spiritually.

Engage in charitable (youth group), creative (painting), or spiritual activities (yoga).

Now this is just a hypothetical example illustrating the two different viewpoints that applies to males and females and not just AMWF exclusively. Where the Connection Gap lies is when the Asian Male is focused on the Safety/Security or Social Level when the White Female is looking for Esteem and Self-fulfillment needs. Consequently the Asian Male will feel content with the relationship because he clearly is doing his job providing. While having basic needs and safety taken care of is excellent, there are often higher levels of esteem and self-fulfillment that are neglected in an AMWF relationship. If left unattended for extended periods of time, the relationship risks deterioration.

Dealing with the Connection Gap

If not already in a relationship, a White Female may choose to find someone who she feels able to meet that social, esteem, and self-fulfillment needs. As a result, instead of choosing Technophiles, the White Female may opt for the Comedian archetype. Asian Males who are naturally the Comedian type will attract many through their jovial temperament. Others prefer the Ambitious to provide the energy and intensity she craves on a social and esteem basis.  Individuals are few in numbers, but are often the most suitable to meet the self-fulfillment needs given their creativity, expression, and awareness.

What about the poor Technophile who was pushed aside? There’s nothing to fear – the most important thing to remember regardless of TCAI group is the ability to open and maintain healthy channels of communication between each other. While there is no perfect formula, there are two general steps. The first is to encourage healthy communication by taking a proactive stance. Instead of her always trying to bring up issues, take the opportunity as an Asian Male to genuinely let her know that you care and want to listen to her. After that is done, be sure to carry out actions deemed necessary.  Even though there are inherent gaps in the connection, by making an honest effort you move one step closer. Continue the process and grow together in the AMWF Relationship. The sooner you address the situation, the better. Don’t wait for things to get to nuclear levels as an Asian Male. Not only will the relationship become unmanageable, but it may lead to its eventual demise.

Why Do I Support the AMWF Relationship?

I get this question all the time. Why do you care so much about the AMWF relationship? Why do you care enough to help Asian men, and western women who are looking for relationships? What’s the motivation? It takes time, effort, and does not offer you much compensation, so what’s the deal?  You have to be thinking, it’s because you’re in a relationship with an Asian man right?  Or, you watch lots of k drams, anime, kung fu movies, and you are just a crazy lady with an Asian fetish?! Actually none of those are reasons why.

When it came to a relationship choice, for me I was always attracted to Asian men. It’s just my preference, but I never expected anyone else to feel the same way. When it came to a life style choice, a way of living, I just found that I liked what eastern cultures had to offer and again it was not something that I expected anyone else to agree with. It was just what I felt was right for me, something that I believed in, and something that I wanted to be part of. To me supporting the AMWF relationships means more then just supporting an interracial couple, but it’s about supporting tolerance and acceptance for one another.

I think that the eastern and western cultures can work very well together. Everything from the way you raise your kids, the foods you eat, the way you dress, behave, and live your life. It can all blend together so beautifully because we can take the best that both have to offer.What concerns me is that people still see race as a barrier when it comes to relationships, and it really should not be that way at all. Maybe there are lots of people who still and always will, use race as an excuse to not treat others with love and respect, but I won’t live my life like that. In my mind we are all humans and therefore no matter what color our skin, the way our eyes slant, or the where we live on this earth, we are all equal. I think we can be better, with more tolerance and understanding then the previous generations. We can all live and respect each other for our similarities and our differences.

So if you’re like me and you want your partner to be Asian that’s fine, If you’re an Asian man and you want to be in a relationship with a white women, that’s fine also.  In the end it all comes down to who you are as a person, and nothing else should really matter.

Building Self-Confidence in Asian Men

One of the biggest misconceptions with Asian Men is that they are deemed to be not confident – all the time. Personally I cannot wrap my head around the fact that people can simply make a global statement for all Asian Men, when in fact there are a considerable amount of Asian Men who are confident, but tend to be more on the cautious and reserved side. By no means should they be immediately labelled not confident.

The Confidence Formula

Remember the first time you went to ride your bike? I remember mine vividly. The progression went from tricycle to training wheels, and the training wheels removed.  When my dad removed the training wheels I ended up tipping over my bicycle within ten seconds because I had insufficient speed. I cried in agony, but I picked myself back up and tried again. Building confidence is like this, it’s done step by step often with catastrophic failures, but eventually we get it.

To be honest, we instinctively learned the process as a child. However, for many somewhere along the line we forget about the process and take up the pathway of rote memorization. For me I would say it was by the time I was thirteen to fourteen, it was no longer the pursuit of individuality, but a submission into obtaining the highest grades possible with rote. I was fortunate enough not to have the same family pressures as my Asian friends, and my parents let me cultivate my own way of thinking.

The problem with the rote way of thinking was the pursuit of perfection. Only error free test examinations were acceptable and other grades were unsatisfactory. Now when we apply this to interpersonal relationships, this doesn’t quite work out. For many Asian Males, it’s facing the most dreaded school courses: English, and to a lesser extent the Social Sciences. What makes things so difficult is the lack of bivalent logic that Mathematics and Natural Sciences have. The information is hidden within the words that can’t be measured by a machine, but has to be felt emotionally.  

In short, for many Asian Men (and Asians in general), our formula for success is simply:

  • Memorize
  • Regurgitate
  • Purge
  • Repeat

I would say the steps for building a skill set and confidence in it would be:

  • Just try it (believe in it)
  • If it doesn’t work out, take positive feedback from the mistakes
  • If it still doesn’t work, find a mentor or expert.
  • After repeated success, build more belief in yourself

Confidence in this regard is when we have nearly absolute certainty on the answer. When we do not, we end up playing the reserved or cautious approach.

Being Reserved & Cautious

Since life for the most part is not something of absolute certainty, we tend to remain on the reserved and cautious side. Among the various factors that contribute to being reserved, shame would probably be the underlying reason. Being publically ostracized is one of the worst feelings to experience as an Asian, and while it may be used to keep every citizen to behave properly, the only way we perceive not to bring shame is really to do nothing at all. Being embarrassed in public is a terrible feeling for Asian Males, and even behind closed doors as well.

This is really no different when you are doing something that is not in your field of expertise. Not only is there a steep learning curve, you have to go through endless amounts of mistakes before you even feel like you’re progressing.  As a result, our natural inclinations as Asian Males tend to be subdued.

Regarding the AMWF Relationship

This is definitely a reoccurring issue when dealing with an AMWF Relationship. If language issues are not a significant barrier, then I would guarantee that a White Female needs a certain level of mental and emotional stimulation through conversation.  When the Asian Male shrugs his shoulders when a White Female asks about dinner plans, it’s of slight annoyance. The problem is that she may think that you are indifferent, or have absolutely no confidence with your preference. Of course as an Asian Male you may have played a little too safe attempting to communicate that you really just wanted to be with her.

When it comes to using technological devices such as the latest smartphone, Asian Males take on a completely different persona. We know the technical specifications and how to synchronize it with a desktop computer. What happened? Asian Males tend to have the confidence when we have absolute certainty, and when we are not as certain, we play the conservative approach.

Thus, when we speak of building self-confidence, it is something Asian Males already have, but is often underdeveloped. It begins with a belief, and then action is taken.  What’s important is that it usually doesn’t work out on the first attempt, but take it as feedback to point you in the right direction.  So go out there not to be perfect, but to make yourself better one step at a time.

Men from Asia: Online and Long Distance Relationships Can they Work?

So you’ve been looking for that special someone and you, like millions of others, have turned to the internet for help. With the advent of social networking, and dating sites, it is now easier than ever before to meet someone. But I am sure you may have experienced at times how unstable, unrealistic, and unreliable, it can be. I know that it can be frustrating, and maybe you look at it as good practice, or an opportunity to build up your confidence. Maybe you see it as a learning experience, a way to practice approaching skills, and practice your English (if you are not already fluent in it). Maybe you partake in short flirtatious conversations, talk about your lives and what you may have  in common, and as long as things don’t get out of control, it can be a pleasant experience.  But as a man living in Asia, what choice do you really have to meet and communicate with white women? Often times within your own country you will have rare opportunities to meet western women, even if you live in larger more modernized cities in Asian.  So what choice do you have? Because if you’re looking for a women in the US, Canada, or Europe, the internet is really your only option. Unless you plan to make the decision to move there and start a new life, the internet is the next best thing.

As you navigate your way through the masses of people, maybe you have a method to narrow down your choice to the right type of people, or maybe you just randomly talk to any women that have cute pictures. But however you do it, I am sure you’re thinking in the back of your mind, can this really work out? Can I meet someone and actually make a long distance relationship work?  Do most women that I meet just want fun, or just want to be good friends, and would they even consider having a long distant relationship with me?Those are really good questions, and I think that it depends on the individuals. Some people just are looking for fun, online sex, and other unmentionable things. These types of people, you can tell their character after only a short conversation. If you’re generally interested in getting to know someone, then these people really should be avoided. Don’t waste your time on someone that it not interested in you for who you are as a person.

Dating and relationships online can be similar to the real life thing. You need to weed out the people that you are not interested in, and start getting to know the people that you think would be a good match for you. Yes it takes time, an investment, and effort, just like in none virtual relationship building.  But I don’t think it’s a waste of time, because if you are honest about yourself you can make some very meaningful relationships.

So, do I think meeting someone online can ever work? Yes I do, and here is how it can:

1. You need to share the same morals, values, and intellectual standards.

2. You need to be honest about yourself, wants, needs, habits, lifestyle choices and etc..

3. You need to be the type of individual who is dedicated to the ones you choose to care about, and treat those people with respect.

4. Be honest about the way you look, personal grooming habits, and etc..

Yes again, it’s just like in a non virtual relationship! You need to do the same things, but it’s just that you are not always there in person to be with them. If you can do this then I think you have a great chance of making a relationship work. Eventually things can become serious, and you will have to start meeting in person. Then there will come a time when you need to decide where you want to live, in which country, which will give up a job, leave family and friends, and all those kinds of issues.

So can online dating and relationships work? Yes they can! When we see them fail it’s because people are not honest, are not true to who they are, and you can not build a friendship or romantic relationship on that kind of mentality.

A Lack of Public Affection From Your Asian Man, What Does It Mean?

Most Asian families show love indirectly, and that includes love between everyone from husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, and kids. But I am sure you have noticed that the moment you step through the doorway into his parents house, he turns the affection and flirtations down to practically nothing. To a woman from a western society, that can seem really strange. In fact I often will make you ask yourself, what’s going on?

Now it’s not to say that in the west women show lots of affection to their boyfriend /fiancé /husband in front of parents or friends. Etiquette dictates that you should not do things like kissing, and other such extreme displays of affection in public. But you can hold hands, or put your arm around your loved one, and no one will have any issues with that. So when your Asian man does not hold your hand, or sit close to you, or even stay in the same room with you, especially the first time it just seems like something is wrong.

As a women, my first thought would naturally be that something is wrong. Maybe he is upset with me, maybe I did something wrong, maybe he is embarrassed of me? But don’t feel this way, because you handsome Asian man is just doing what he has learned. Try and understand that he is being the kind of son his parents are used to. That means you will have to deal with a little less outward affection while around the family, in public, around friends or etc.

Asian men are no different than any other. They want affection, love, sex and all that good stuff. But in Asian cultures, outside of the home, there exists a more wholesome appearance, one that implies that those kinds of things don’t happen. It’s a world of innocence, where no one holds hands, kisses, or any such things. Of course we know what happens behind “closed doors” but you don’t dare make reference to it in public.

When it comes down to it, I wouldn’t worry about his lack of affection to you around parents, friends, or etc. It doesn’t mean he loves you any less, it doesn’t mean he is any less interested in you, it just means he is being respectful to others and the culture around him.

How Long Has the AMWF Relationship Been Around?

I have always wondered how far back we can trace the origins of the AMWF relationship. At first I thought, it must be in the last 20 years or so, but I was wrong! Below is an example of an AMWF family from the 1800’s.

Mei Quong Tart (1850-1903) was a leading nineteenth century Aussie merchant from China. On 30 August 1886 he married a young English school teacher, Margaret Scarlett. Her family, although friends with Quong Tart’s, did not approve of the union and her father refused to attend the wedding.

I guess it’s been around much longer then I thought, and it looks like they had to face their share of disapproving parents as well.