Asian Social Gatherings and Arriving Late

I have always noticed and wondered why in Asian culture arriving early for any type of social gathering never seemed to happen. Over the years I have been involved in many events and I always noticed that when I was asked to arrive at say 5:00pm for a party, I would be reminded by those around me that it meant I should arrive at 5:30 or 6:00pm.  Huh?! I never understood this. As the years have passed I thought and observed this kind of what I would call an Asian “secret code” that has been passed down for generations.  Everyone seemed to know but me that I should be arriving late. In western culture, I was taught that when I am invited to a party etiquette dictated that I arrive at the requested time, maybe even 5 minutes early in fact. So as I began to see this happen at every event with no one having a problem with it, I began to wonder why.

As I have spent so much time involved in Asian culture I have come up with a few reasons why I think that it’s appropriate to arrive late to gatherings:

Diffusion of Attention– By arriving late, they accomplish a diffusion of attention meaning that they can avoid awkward greeting or being particular noticed by others at the event. In a collectivist environment why would you want to stand out?

They May not Want to be There They are either there because their family wants them to, appeasing their girlfriend/boyfriend, or something of that nature. I would therefore make sense that they would rather come later then not at all because the social etiquette says they just should be there regardless of personal feeling or interest in the event.

 There for the Food Asian parties always have an excess of food. It’s always good and there is always plenty of it. Everyone loves free food and Asian people are no exception. At the end of a party everyone takes out the zip-lock bags and snags the left-over food for home. Why show up early when the best part of the night is what you get at the end!

So to me it seems that Asians all know that being late is customary, and no one takes offence.  In the Western style, everybody wants to make everybody else happy and show respect to the host by arriving on time.  Is one or the other better, I don’t really know for sure, but at first it seemed really strange to me.

 

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Asian Men, are they for me?

I always try and look that the good in everything, and perhaps at times that means I am overly optimistic about the AMWF relationship. I would love to think that every woman feels the same about Asian men as I do, but in truth not all of them will. I realize although that in part, personal preference is a contributor. There are women who just like white men, or back men, Asian men, or whatever. Just in the same way there are Asian men who really prefer Asian women, over white, black, or etc. That’s great right …everyone has the right to choose who they want and what they prefer. Even with this personal preference although, there are times when a women may be intentionally or unintentionally overseeing Asian men. Why? Well after much thought and asking guys what they feel might be keeping women from seeing their good intentions, I have the following reasons to present to you:

 

Physical Appearance:

 Your Height and Body Build – You maybe have wondered if that fact that you stand a mighty 5ft 6inches tall, if that’s going to be good enough for your WF. In truth many women like taller men because of the idea that a taller man is a stronger man. It’s just ingrained in our DNA to be attracted to men who are tall. Now not all women care of course, and there are many WF who are taller than many men and are fine with it. Asian men often fall under the stereotype of being short, which in fact is not always true either, but that alone might stifle her interest in Asian men. Asian men also stereotypically are viewed as skinny and not particularly strong. Some women would think that Asian men could not meet the standards of their white or black counterparts and therefore be seen as less attractive.

 Asian Eyes– those lovely deep black/brown eyes, with their unique almond shape. Ahh yes, the signature Asian eyes. To me they seem wonderful and exotic, but they also might seem a bit odd when the rest of the men she knows have eyes that are varied in color and larger. It’s not to say that women really have an eye color or shape preference, but that they might find it out of the ordinary.

 

Language:

 Your Communication with Her– let’s face it, if you can’t speak the same language , or you have a really thick accent that makes you hard to understand, then it’s not going to make it easy to get to know each other.  Having the ability to communicate well means you can express your feeling to her, and that is really important. If you are not used to, or your language does not have the words to express how you feel, she may take it as you are not interested, even if you truly are interested and have the best intent.

 Your Family/In laws– It’s also obvious, but if her future in-laws won’t be able to speak to her, then she will  be uncomfortable and perhaps she might feel that I would never work out well with this difference. Although there are many women who in fact will learn Chinese, Korean, or etc in order to better communicate and create a bond with her in-laws, not all women would want to.

 

Social Culture:

 Asian Foods– odd food and textures can often be found in Asian, comparatively to the west. For example Asia has porous meat products, jelly soups and drinks, boba in their tea, fish sauces, chicken feet, and whole bunch of crazy textures that you won’t find in the west. Although many women would love to try new foods and flavors, sometimes these can just be too outside of our comfort zone.

Family Obligations and Expectations– This might be the most difficult of all the reasons for your WF. Asian family’s often come with more obligations then the average Caucasian women’s family.  Her parents won’t expect you to visit every weekend, have extreme expectation about who she should marry, nor would the tell her what kind of wedding to have, what she should do for a career ,and etc… So when she meets an Asian mans parents, or has heard that his parents may have the almost unreasonable expectations, it would defiantly make her think twice about wanting to enter into the relationship.

 

For many more reasons then I guess I would care to come up with, there will be women who are just not into Asian men, just as much as some women are. But the point is that these things should not be seen as an obstacle for your choice in mates.  Whatever your preferences we should not let others opinions influence are choice and it should not stop you from going after what you want. Things like physical looks, food preferences, and family obligation are only a few things that “could” be an issue… yes “could be” but you never will really know unless you give things a try. Every relationship will be filled with successes and struggles, but it’s the important things like your values, working together, common interests, lifestyles, and who you are as a person that will keep the love and happiness between the two of you alive and strong. So I encourage women to try something new, give those cute Asian guys a chance, because you might be surprised that the things that you worry most about, are only small things that can actually make your relationship more unique and that much stronger.

The Mysterious Asian Male & Passion…Where Did It Go?

I was most fortunate enough to have exposure to an Asian and a Canadian lifestyle growing up. Not only did I learn particular mannerisms and behavior from popular culture, I had my Asian friends and family to relate to as well. These days I have come to wonder if there is actually a distinct difference between Western and Asian perceptions of passion and emotions.

The prototypical Asian tends to have some form of subdued behavior. He is courteous, yet has a quiet and gentle presence. I wouldn’t go as far to say he would be shy, just a slightly more reserved. It’s almost as if he’s ensuring that everything is comfortable and safe before placing himself in harm’s way. I can even relate myself. Growing up, I was the regular Asian kid, hanging out in my big Asian group of friends. We hung around each other because it was easy. All of us had some form of strict parents. We went through the piano or violin lessons as a child, had some form of liking to Sanrio (I had Badtz-Maru and Keroppi), and most of all multiple video game consoles (no surprise there). When I was in my comfortable group, I could open up with ease. Hence why large Asian groups are loud (aside from the fact that it is very loud in urban Asian cities) it’s easy to share jokes and relate in their native tongue.

This is a significant contrast in comparison to Western popular culture where there’s a considerable amount of body and facial language in conveying passion. Their eyes will light up in excitement and their face will give a beaming smile. Amazing charisma is infectious. Somehow I don’t quite get that same captivation when I relate to my Asian side.  I would remember when my parents would have their eyes glued to the television watching the latest Chinese prime time drama. For those unfamiliar with the format, it is usually some 25-40 episode series that runs nightly.  It usually centers on a love triangle filled with jealousy, and family dialogue often at the dinner table or living room sofa.  By the end of the series, the virtuous male ends up with the love of his life. How typical.

Many years later, what struck me was that there were very subtle differences between how Asians and Western cultures perceive passion.  As we have mentioned in earlier posts, Asian Males tend to express their feelings for a significant other through actions and gifts. This is also true when it comes to other forms of expression, such as passion. When I talk about passion, I talk about having interest in something, whether it is sailing, music production, cooking, or anything that involves you as a person; it is usually fueled by passion. So, by following this pattern, what will happen is usually the Asian male works harder, and makes sure things are done right – almost to the point of perfection. What is implied is that expression through facial, body, or tone is severely underutilized.  In no written Confucian conversation do I ever recall Confucius telling his pupil to “smile” or have “charisma”.

A Westerner would scratch their head in confusion. They can tell when someone clearly is involved passionately. It’s undeniable. They emit this kind of aura around them. Unfortunately there is one problem with popular culture and consumerism, is that passion borders sexual. The problem is that both can be very intense and often gets used interchangeably. Passion for art, sport, or whatever comes from a combination of challenge and skill. Sometimes we lose track of time and become completely involved. While this is true in a sexual nature, I would classify this as a subgroup of passion with an emphasis on desire than challenge and skill.

So do I believe if Asians can be passionate as well? Yes I believe they can. Unfortunately most of our expression is limited to our actions and not how we project ourselves to others. Instead of sexual attraction that is prevalent in Western popular culture, Asians tend to use jealousy and rage as intense emotions.

Now this becomes a serious issue when it comes to AMWF Relationships. The Asian Male needs to express himself beyond actions such as working hard or listening, while the Western Female has to be receptive to his good intentions despite the lack of expression. Initially I would say the Asian Male will have to learn to express in a way the woman will be receptive, but in a long-term perspective both parties will have to learn from each other. The passion was always there to begin with, but the approaches are different.

To my Asian Males: step out of your comfort zone, and take a chance.

To my Western Females:  understand his cultural upbringing, and don’t ever stop smiling – a soft gentle aura will warm (or melt) any Asian Male’s heart.

The Public and Private Life of AMWF Relationships

Despite my Western upbringing, I still retain some conservative tendencies when it comes to relationships. When I tried to trace the roots of my behaviour, I found it fairly muddled. I suppose the majority of the tendencies came from watching my parents as an example and perhaps the Asian notion of love in general. In any regard, what I wanted to focus on was the difference between the public and private lifestyle in relationships with a focus for AMWF.

Background Information

There should be no surprise with the onset of an Asian shame society; appearances play the number one role. I would take it another step further and say it is how you are perceived by others. Probably the very first thing people notice in an AWMF relationship is the fact that it is an interracial relationship but a lot less common than the WMAF variety. After the initial shock, they will probably think of “how” the relationship was even possible.

AMWF relationships also do come with a preconceived notion of White Females being hedonistic or at worst promiscuous. While it may be true for a small select proportion, it is simply unfair to label the entire population as such. Many of us forget the great strides White Females (and other minorities) have done to progress society for equal rights as well. They didn’t just think about it, they committed themselves to change, bonded, and took action. Back to AMWF – When it comes to a serious committed relationship, White Females also have the ability to involve themselves physically, mentally, and emotionally. It means they are willing to establish a connection while also risking their own pain and suffering.

For the Asians, most of our ancestors have vivid memories of coming from impoverished and war-torn societies. The majority of the time was spent on hard work and survival and less on love and relationships. If anything our expression of love came from our actions – primarily through going out of our way as Asians to do something (with no expectation of reciprocation).

The Public Life

Dating is almost synonymous as intentionally being around each other (just the two people together) on an occasional basis. While this may not seem like much for a White Female, it means a considerable amount for an Asian Male. For the most part, they are looking for someone who they can introduce to their parents. When his Asian parents accept the relationship that is an incredible milestone, because not only does the Asian Male have to worry about public opinions, his parents are the most important to please. That being said, if you can have Sunday night dinner with his parents at a restaurant without a hitch that is something to be proud of.

While you may think you have to show your affection for your Asian Male constantly, there is nothing more Asian Males love having their White Female be present physically, and show commitment through attentiveness.  You don’t have to show how madly in love you are with each other in public (which you both should already know), but showing a willingness to be together is something that will make an Asian Male very happy.  In other words, the absence of hostility and the pure comfort about being around each other is really plenty. For the most part, being calm and well-behaved is exactly what the older Asian generation likes to see.  This does not mean you have to be weak and submissive, just refrain from being obnoxious and outspoken.

Again, I reiterate commitment is something Asians value strongly (especially the older generation). I would personally have to say one of the worst feelings about relationships is being in a limbo. When you aren’t really sure of things: “Does she really like me, or is she like this to everyone else?” Whatever you do to show that you care, it’s important to reconfirm it and make sure the intentions are clear.

The Private Life

As many Asians know already, expressing the word love in our native tongue is a very difficult thing to say. This is not quite like how we can use the word love in English. We may love chocolate or ice cream in English, but when it comes to Asian languages, I would say it really means more of a total commitment than anything else. This is probably why we tend to use some form of “like” in our language in contrast to utilizing “love”. Yes there is a “really like” and if I recall in Cantonese there’s a “caring by spoiling” word as well. What I mean by that is the nature of how Asian Males tend to use actions like gift buying to show that they really do care.

When it comes to communication in private, the truth is Asian Males really want to communicate, but it’s not something they will immediately warm up to. Sometimes I would say it stems from the whole family system of filial piety and authority. Traditionally we have to defer to high authority as our thoughts and opinions are replaced by the wants and the needs of the family. Sometimes it’s a really strange notion to wrap your head around, but for me, it was just second nature.

In all honesty there is usually one type of love that almost every Asian Male will experience, and that is motherly love. With the exclusion of the psychotic Asian mothers, they are often very loving and caring. Perhaps it may not be in the same way through words, but through their actions like making their favorite foods or deliberately doing all of the cleaning duties. A woman truly willingly to do things like that for her Asian Male will probably win his heart instantly. A White Female does not have to be a supermodel, but she has to be attractive in his eyes. Of course this is not always the case, but if he’s willing to do most of the household chores anyways, it probably means he’s head over heels for his woman.

How about physical intimacy? Well, I will leave the up to the discretion of each couple. It does vary, but we are definitely not against things like that “behind closed doors”. The toughest part is actually the beginning of a new relationship. By default Asian Males will play the conservative approach, trying not to be too touchy-feely, but with enough trust and communication, things can definitely change. Remember that nerve-wracking first kiss or hand holding? Yes Asian Males sometimes don’t take enough proactive action, probably because they are too busy trying to analyze the situation to see if it is the right moment or not (getting embarrassed is a really bad feeling).

Just like the public life, there is a certain level of bonding and commitment, but usually there are more opportunities to speak candidly about issues. Unfortunately if there are language barriers, it is a little more difficult to convey thoughts and feelings. Sometimes the pride of Asian Males also is something to be aware of. While females have a vast supporting network of close friends and family, Asian Males will tend to keep their own problems to themselves. While he may talk about the external stresses, like his oppressive boss, when it really comes to talking about the intangible things like emotions or spirituality, he’s usually at loss.

Personal Commentary

Nobody enjoys having retarded moments in life. This is especially true when other people witness and recollect your embarrassing moments. The fear of shame is still deeply ingrained in our Asian mindset. Consequently we resort to waiting for the perfect moment where we are almost guaranteed success, but we forget the many opportunities pass by because we weren’t willing to take a risk. I have missed many opportunities because of my own conservative nature. It didn’t matter if I had the future planned, I totally forgot about the present. The travel plans, adventures together, and plans to be together went up in smoke because I was so self-absorbed in the future.

I always thought the true commitment came from doing the trivial things together. Things like going to her little sister’s graduation or just really being there for her when she was on the verge of an emotional breakdown. While it does sound nice, the fact is that we tend to meet people in a public setting first. As much as we want to completely open up as an Asian Male, it would be inappropriate at such an early stage because there are no connections built. I would probably say it would reveal a level of desperation or insecurity more than anything.

Somehow as a result it just hit me. That’s exactly why as Asian Males we go for the friend into lover approach. It makes perfect sense as it reflects the transition between the public and private side of Asian Males. Initially as friends, it is about getting to know each other without divulging too much into any intimate details. Things are lighthearted and fun, and until there some sort of chemistry or connection it progresses into the private and more candid things.

The key is that there is usually some sort of opportunity be together privately. Say it was some mutual friend’s birthday, the opportune moment would be the time when the two would be alone together. Take for example the car ride home. If there are no other passengers, this is actually an opportune moment for one of the parties to speak up. There are many other possibilities, and for the White Females that want to give their Asian Male of interest a little helping hand, provide a situation that allows just the two of you. Have him walk you to your car, ask for technical assistance with some sort of technology, or just simply flat-out approach him (if that is your style, it’s really not a turn off for Asian Males – sometimes it clears things up really fast).

So Asian Males, take more chances, and White Females, recognize the difference between the public and private life. When in doubt, just be upfront about it and communicate.

The Pursuit of Technical Excellence – Life as a Typical Asian Male

The honest truth is that for many Asian Males, we are strongly influenced by our parents in deciding life choices. Our parents would decide which school and courses to take, musical instrument, and sometimes extracurricular activities as well. It was their way of showing us that they cared for their children and wanted to give them as many tools to succeed in life. These tools ended up being a form of knowledge and technical skills. Take music as an example. Piano or violins were the rites of passage as an Asian child growing up. I remember my mother sitting me down at the piano and placed a two hour clock timer on the clock instructing me to practice. Honestly I didn’t enjoy it, and I resented the fact I was forced to do it. Always pursuing the error-free piece was something I obsessed over, yet it eluded me. Nevertheless it laid the groundwork for studying and discipline.

Our Favourite Analytical Subjects

Math and Natural Sciences were definitely my favourite subjects growing up through primary and secondary schooling. The beauty of these subjects was that there was this logic behind it all that just made sense. I could just rely on my intuition and instincts and completely succeed in these subject areas. Mathematics had that property that everything was based on another proof after proof (or axiom), and aside from the minimal memorization was just being careful. The majority of errors would come from carelessness, so I would do my best to not become complacent. Sciences were the same, with the slight exception of Biology that required more memorization. All I had to do was really two things: think and memorize. That’s probably why I battled with English literature and Social Sciences early on. I had absolutely no experience or reference when it came to human interaction, thoughts, and feelings. My repertoire of books consisted of non-fiction instructional books and periodicals: computers, food, cars, and of course video games. There was no fiction in my library – which is probably why I despised English classes growing up. I was taught to replicate – not to think and feel.

The Social Subjects and Creativity

Essays, I completely dreaded that word. To this day I still don’t quite understand what it really means. Perhaps to the best of my knowledge it’s just a composition using words to formulate a message with a clear beginning, middle, and end. When it came to literature, I completely was at a loss for words. Of course I knew the basic love story themes, and epic battles, but being able to turn my thoughts and feelings into words was completely different. My parents never helped me with schoolwork actually. I was mostly self-taught, and it was not until midway through my undergraduate degree did I actually take a liking for the Social Sciences.

When it came to artistic creativity, it was frowned upon by my mother. She would lecture me how Artists have poor money management skills and always had troubling lives. I listened early as a child and never took a liking. When it came to art classes growing up, I would apply what I knew. Since there was a formula for math and natural sciences, there must be one for art as well. I would pay attention to the details and techniques – replicating pieces, but I would never truly understand its purpose. I lacked the spontaneity to create something out of nothing.

Actually this is quite common for Asian Cultures. You will even notice that many artistic presentations are based on adherence to strict order, technical abilities, and form. Things have been so rehearsed that there is a technical perfection we appreciate in Asian Culture. Combined in a massive group, it is quite impressive watching a large group of people perform each movement with perfect timing and synchronization. Beyond the rigid order, there is no individualism, and no means of expression. Yes it’s very beautiful and orderly, but it still leaves me empty inside.

Introverted Tendencies for being Technical

To nobody’s surprise, we find the technically skilled individuals have little to say. They are amazing at what they do, but when they are deep into their focus, they often result in an absence of social interaction. The sheer amount of knowledge required in many professional careers requires careful focus and a level-headedness which is suitable for what I call the Technophile types. Their mindset is more of a long-term basis. Yes, they forget to live in the moment, but they have consistent, predictable, and reliable nature to them which makes them attractive. Would you be concerned if your Comedian type was a brain surgeon? He may be too busy being engaged in conversations to be doing his surgical duties.

What Can We Do As Asian Males?

There are two choices really. You keep doing what you do, or you take action. To be with a White Female, often changes will have to be made. Her upbringing into a life of love and expression may be the complete opposite of your Asian structure and discipline. Granted there are many types of females, by improving social skills, physique, and grooming you give yourself a better chance as an Asian Male. While you do not have to completely transform yourself, it is incredibly helpful to build secondary skills to compliment your inherent technical skills. The only way to learn is from experience. This means you have to get out there, try, and fail – many times. It’s all part of growing up.

Appreciate the Work He Does – Asian Males & Affection

Without prior experience, one of the most difficult things to understand is how Asian Males display their affection.  Much of this has to do with our upbringing. Even for myself I would almost never see visual displays of affection between my parents. Dad would always share household chores and set aside weekend time to venture out into the city to shop with my mom. As for television, the Asian Television series never quite represented relationships the same way Western series do.

What I really remember about those Asian series growing up was the cute and awkward juxtaposition of a male and female liking each other. Physical touch would occur through some random coincidence such as the woman slipping and somehow miraculously positioned for a kiss. Now in real life, that’s probably not going to happen.

Showing Affection

The truth is that Asian Males tend to take an indirect route when it comes to showing affection. He will be attentive for conversations, and willing to provide for you. Honestly it really does come from our upbringing. To be a man in our Asian culture is not necessarily being macho-alpha-dominating, but being able to provide for his family. What you may not know as a White Female is how much power you really have over Asian Men.  Basic requests such as going to your favourite restaurant can be easily fulfilled. Want to spend the night at home instead of partying? Say the word, and it’s done.  In essence, if the female is happy, the Asian male is also happy.

Beyond the Basics

This is when the problems start to arise. Unfortunately for the most part, as Asian Males we are willing to take care of our romantic interest, but that’s all we can do. Physical contact may be minimal unless the female takes slight charge. The problem is that he is so focused on trying to make you happy, he forgets about himself taking action. While giving gifts shows that we are continually committed, there’s this emptiness that begins to grow overtime. The Asian Male responds to simple questions, but when asked for a viewpoint on a social issue, there’s a long pause, and then a shrug of the shoulders.

Silence is not Indifference

One of the most important things to understand is that the natural tendencies for an Asian male to not engage in debates or display affection on a more physical level often stems from his upbringing. He may simply not know enough of the situation to fully express his opinion, but it does not mean that he is indifferent.  What makes it difficult is that his facial expressions and body language may be “neutral” or “relaxed” but on a Western perception it can be misinterpreted as “upset”.  This can be remedied with strong levels of trust and communication. Make sure there your tone is free from hostility, and maybe place your hand on top of his – reassure him that you are here for him. Tell him how much you appreciate the things he does for you. Knowing that you are also loved and appreciated as an Asian Male is one of the greatest feelings.

Why I Am So Attracted To the Asian Mans Face

People are usually attracted to people who look like themselves, and they usually evaluate faces that exhibit features of their own ethnic or racial group as being more attractive. As a WF who likes AM this if far from true, in fact we are attracted to a face that is just the opposite! So what features of the Asian mans face do we find so attractive and why? Good question, so let’s explore that shall we.

Now to be honest, most people are attracted to faces with a high-degree of symmetry, but although we all can’t be models or have the money to undergo surgery to look like one, there are features that every Asian man has that I ( and other women) just love. First let me say that I love the almond shaped eyes with the dark eye color. To me this is one of the most exotic of the Asian features, and although everyone in Asia has these eye characteristics to me it’s still one that always is the most beautiful. My second favorite feature has to be the plump and soft Asian lips. I mean Caucasians usually have thinner lips, so the contrasts of the fuller lips look very appealing to me. Thirdly, another favorite feature of Asian men is the dark hair. If it’s spiky or long, to me the dark color and stiffer texture is pretty sexy. Sure again everyone in Asia has it, but I like the way it can be styled and suits the Asian males face. Finally I always enjoy the baby faces that Asian men can often have. Now I know, not all Asian men have this and some have a slim face with chiseled cheekbones, but to me a younger looking face is just as good looking as a more matured looking one.

There is no ideal face for a man and a man’s face is not a measure by any means of his worth. A man that may not have such a good looking face can become very “attractive” as defined by his society with his great personality, his nature, his character, etc. The whole person, inside makes the face of the man, but still none seems as handsome to me as the Asian mans face.


How to Tell He’s Interested – The Mixed Signals of Asian Men

Recently a reader asked me if there was a way of telling if an Asian Male was interested in her. Honestly to tell you the truth, if your gut feeling tells you that he is interested, he probably is. Before I discuss the possible actions to resolve this, I’ll discuss the background information. Asian males are quite the mysterious and tricky bunch, but they are not that difficult to decipher. The majority of our behaviour stems from language issues, cultural traditions, and family upbringing.

Language & Communication

Language issues are usually the easiest to spot. If the Asian Male’s primary language is not English, then you will notice a difference in character when he is around you, and his Asian friends. When he is around his friends there are people who can relate to him through his native language and cultural understandings.  Asian humour is often different from the slapstick varieties, where there is this cute-yet-satirical tone involved. This is strongly evident in Japanese culture and has been replicated across Asia.

Cultural Traditions

Historically the coveted occupations in Asia were professionals such as the typical doctors, engineers, lawyers, or high ranking military officer.  The fact is that the ability to provide for a family can be thought of as a duty for Asian Men.  Thus, by having an excellent career would (in theory) make life easier because there would be no financial struggles.  Job? Check. Car? Check. House? Check. Those three items are what deems an Asian Male to be worthy of a wife – or even just a girlfriend.
This may seem strange for a typical Westerner, but having these three things in Asia is one of those status symbols. Bear in mind that real estate prices are astronomical so home ownership is something almost unattainable as a young Asian Male. Really it is a sad story for Asian Men when they feel unable to provide. This is what they believe defines them as a man.

Traditional Family Upbringings

Traditional family upbringings also make things difficult as well. At times it could be considered as stifling with a Confucian filial piety system for over 2000 years. There is an order in the household, and the family unit is strongly emphasized. Typical Asian families would involve the husband to be the sole breadwinner with the wife in charge of domestic duties. While the man would be out working, the woman would have time to take care of the children and the home (finances included). In theory it would allow for a functional and happy family. What I mean by happy family, is a family free from the financial struggles – where stress can often stem from. This is not the same type of happiness as Westerner would assume, think of it more as being at peace. In other words it’s considered a gentle warm glow when it comes to passion, and not as red-hot intense as we imagine.

The reason for this is because in Asian media and family, the amount of intense passion is muted. We never see much physical contact between our parents. Growing up as a child, I barely remember my parents hugging or kissing. Even in the Asian Television series physical contact is portrayed as being “cute”. The first kiss is made to be a magical moment – and there very rarely any passionate interludes that proceed after the kiss. Now of course this is dealing with public appropriateness. Often in public, Asian Males will drastically tone down their affections. Behind closed doors may be a different story.

Understanding the Asian Male

Once you really understand the background of Asian Males it starts to make sense about how we behave around others. Spending increasing amounts of time together is a clear indicator of interest. The reason why we tend to use the friend approach is even if we don’t have the guts to express our feelings we still have friendship.  It’s a shame to have never tried, but often we spend too much time trying to find absolute certainty when our opportunity has already passed. So what can you do as a White Female? Well if you believe you don’t want to let the opportunity to pass, you can simply help give him a little push. Talk about how excited you are about how a great movie is coming out in theatres. Just by coincidence you don’t have any friends that want to go with you. Be sure to make it clear that you are interested in him. This may mean explicitly making it clear to his friends so they can also extend their influences over him. It does not just have to be a movie, but you can apply it to any event, or location. Help him break through the initial social awkwardness and he is yours.

Asian Men and Sex

Let me just say right off that the racist myths and assumptions about smaller stature and less sexual and erotic drive are just not true…I am sure you agree with me. I think that there is absolutely no problem with Asian men and from my experience, the best sex I’ve ever had has been with Asian men. Sure like anyone there will be times it’s not good and others when it’s fantastic, but that’s just the way it goes sometimes and it’s got nothing to do with race.

There have been studies that have pointed out that Asian men (from Asia) feel less satisfied as a whole with sex than Westerners, but that does not mean that they are bad in the bed, or that Asian men are less passionate or romantic as lovers, it just means that they may not be experiencing sex the same way as the west. Men in Asia can often live in a culture where sex is much more of a no no to talk about, let alone learn about from family or friends. I mean think about it, the expression of love can often be very indirect in Asian cultures, where no one was ever hugged or kissed in public and probably not even hugged or kissed at home.  Parents would never talk about sex to their sons, and I am sure the sex education at school left more questions then answers.

When it comes to sex, Asian men may not be well-informed and not socialized to talk about sex or express their sexuality. So how can a man even be expected to perform well when he’s got no instruction, and no expression of sexuality to draw from? Well I think that no matter how much or how little experience you have, there are some things that make Asian men great lovers naturally. My number one kudos to Asian men is that they are always hard workers, patient, focused, and always willing to please. So when it comes to sex, with this skill set any man can succeed.

Now I know you western Asian men are saying to yourselves, I’m not like that, and some men from Asia also are saying “We know a lot about sex and how to please women”… which is great and like all people in the world there will be different levels of education, and experience. But the point I want to make, without getting into details, is that with a lot, a little, or even no real experience a man can do well…that includes Asian men… and the best part is that whatever  your experience is, your WF will be happy to learn and share with you.

Perfection is Unattainable – The Mindset of Asian Men

Perfection is to be marvelled at, but at the same time it leads to our own demise.  While there are some abstract components like mathematics which have a very clear expression or answer, living a life of perfection is truly another story. Even I must admit I have grown up demanding perfection upon myself, when in fact it was not attainable. Some of it I will admit came from my Asian upbringing as well. Just like every Asian child I was placed in the typical piano lessons and extra schooling. Math became my strongest subject, and I never took a liking to the Humanities during my K-12 years. Now that I think of it, what made English and Social Studies so difficult was the fact that it did not come as natural as Math or the Natural Sciences. I had to feel something. What was that all about?

Perfection Described

I remember the stories of my Asian friends who have parents who get upset at their child’s grades because they were not 100%. Phrases like “Where’s the 4%?” would come up after their child received a 96% test result.  Other times it would be the demanding mother forcing her child to practice piano until the song was error free. Perhaps you could say back in the early days of China with Imperial Examinations, those who achieved the highest grades were often rewarded with the best civil servant jobs. From then on, they were set for life. While perfection is great for theoretical pursuits such as mathematics, statistics, or natural sciences, it cannot be the sole basis when dealing with people. This is especially important in AMWF relationships, and every other relationship for that matter.

This becomes a huge problem for situations that do not call for perfection. Let’s take a look at a few TCAI examples:

Feng is your typical Asian Technophile. He’s great with Math and Computers, but when it comes to social issues – he’s completely lost. Once his girlfriend, Steffi asked him what he felt about the upcoming student elections. Feng shrugged his shoulders.
The problem is two-fold. Feng has never encountered this situation before and has no idea how to respond. Second, he may want the perfect response, leading into an “analysis paralysis”.

Alvin, an academic overachiever, can also be thought as an Ambitious Archetype. Recently he placed second overall in academic standing, and thus losing the Valedictorian spot.
Of course this just an example, but often at times Asians tend to measure their success by being the best. While it is great to win and be the best, there is no win-win mentality for us Asians. Thus we become completely consumed with the obsession of perfection – to be number one.

Hyun-Soo is popular among his friends, being the group Comedian he can always crack a joke to make people smile. While relaxing at the local pool, Hyun-Soo is dragged by his friends to the deep end of the pool for some diving board excitement. Although Hyun-Soo is not the greatest diver, he employs his patented belly flop. After a gigantic splash, hilarity ensues.
The Comedians are usually the best when it comes to dealing with perfection. Instead of being perfect, they tend to do something completely opposite and funny. While it is effective, there is a possible shortcoming if they overuse their humour. Then the excitement is lost.

Don, an aspiring jazz musician, plays the double-bass in his jazz trio. Almost always at the spur of the moment, he has the urge to improvise. His band mates recognize it and follow along.
Perfection for an Individual type is less of an importance than excellence. They understand things cannot be perfect, but just go with the flow.

Aiming for Excellence

TCAIIt’s important to realize not everything can be treated in a black and white manner. This binomial nature of true and false, yes and no, does not always work for real life. Instead of aiming to become perfect, we should aim for excellence – always striving to do our best. It doesn’t matter if someone is better than us, but as long as we put in our best and learn from our mistakes, we’re bound to improve one step at a time. Take for example any sport: soccer, hockey, football, tennis, etc. There is bound to be a winner and loser. When you win, it’s easy – but when you lose it is even more difficult to deal with. As much as we would like a perfect score or record, it’s almost impossible naturally. Aim for your own best, and improve yourself each time. Usually the biggest culprits of perfection-obsession are the Technophiles and Ambitious. This is usually because of their conservative upbringing. This is the old-world mentality. Comedians and Individuals are more liberated and usually deal with perfection issues better. In case you forgot, I’ve included the two spectrum diagram to refresh your mind.

Regarding AMWF

When in a relationship with a White Female, as an Asian Male it would be almost a natural tendency to go through all the “what-if” situations and try my best to make each situation perfect. I’d have the date planned out, what clothes to wear, rehearse the motions in my head – but then forget about being there in the moment with her. What I mean by this is when you are intensely focusing on a future even or past event while being with your White Female, you tend to make her feel disconnected from you. This can be perceived as you are uninterested or upset at her – which is not at all what your intentions are.  So leave perfection at the door, smile, and realize you’re with an amazing woman who loves you. So be sure to reciprocate.