Full Circle: Looking Back Into The Past

After a two month sabbatical and extended hiatus, it’s good to be back. During my period of non-posting, I’ve spent a considerable amount of time reflecting upon our whole AMWF journey at AMWF Love. When I revisit my first few posts on AMWF I begin to wonder how I ever managed to write those topics. The majority of my compositions come purely spontaneously. It began with just Laura and me posting a collection of writings that soon turned to some form of formal blog. While we may never know our actual reach to our audiences, we were grateful enough to receive feedback from our supporters.

It was great to know that there were other people who expressed their mutual interest in interracial relationships involving an Asian Male. In fact our scope reached out to not only Caucasian females, but also to many other visible minorities including those with African or Latin origins. This was not our intent at AMWF Love to exclude these populations, but to share our thoughts and real life experiences online.

With Laura and I having a Caucasian and Asian background respectively, we elected to talk about AMWF because it would most accurately reflect our thoughts and feelings. I could not speak from an African-American perspective or from a Latin American viewpoint either. Instead I believed it was important to discuss principles of relationships through the perspective of a Westernized Asian Male. At AMWF Love we strive to discuss topics regarding AMWF as well as cultural, emotional, and social issues relating to Asian Male and Non-Asian female relationships. These principles can be also used for Asian Male Asian Female relationships or any other possible combination as well.

So back to the full circle reference – what does it mean? I see it as a way of evaluating progression of interracial dating with emphasis on Asian Male Western Female. Times have changed, and even a decade ago I probably would have a significantly lower chance developing a long-term relationship with a non-Asian female. While I did run into my former girlfriend (AMWF) who I haven’t seen in over seven years, I found out she is happily married (non-AMWF) with a caring husband and son.  Fast forward to present day 2012, I would say instead of getting the automatic rejection from a non-Asian female, there are times when I do get a warm response. Nobody said it was easy, but we are making progress one step at a time.

What about the plans for 2012? Well, we will be discussing more current and present day issues of AMWF relationships as opposed to the prior years of diving deep into historical reasons for typical Asian Male behavioural responses. Things are constantly changing, and clearly what I remember about Asian societies from my elementary social studies classes do not accurately reflect present day society. In the meantime, if you haven’t read some my principles to Asian Men, you are most welcomed to read topics regarding my TCAI model. Happy reading!

Asian Men and Sex

Let me just say right off that the racist myths and assumptions about smaller stature and less sexual and erotic drive are just not true…I am sure you agree with me. I think that there is absolutely no problem with Asian men and from my experience, the best sex I’ve ever had has been with Asian men. Sure like anyone there will be times it’s not good and others when it’s fantastic, but that’s just the way it goes sometimes and it’s got nothing to do with race.

There have been studies that have pointed out that Asian men (from Asia) feel less satisfied as a whole with sex than Westerners, but that does not mean that they are bad in the bed, or that Asian men are less passionate or romantic as lovers, it just means that they may not be experiencing sex the same way as the west. Men in Asia can often live in a culture where sex is much more of a no no to talk about, let alone learn about from family or friends. I mean think about it, the expression of love can often be very indirect in Asian cultures, where no one was ever hugged or kissed in public and probably not even hugged or kissed at home.  Parents would never talk about sex to their sons, and I am sure the sex education at school left more questions then answers.

When it comes to sex, Asian men may not be well-informed and not socialized to talk about sex or express their sexuality. So how can a man even be expected to perform well when he’s got no instruction, and no expression of sexuality to draw from? Well I think that no matter how much or how little experience you have, there are some things that make Asian men great lovers naturally. My number one kudos to Asian men is that they are always hard workers, patient, focused, and always willing to please. So when it comes to sex, with this skill set any man can succeed.

Now I know you western Asian men are saying to yourselves, I’m not like that, and some men from Asia also are saying “We know a lot about sex and how to please women”… which is great and like all people in the world there will be different levels of education, and experience. But the point I want to make, without getting into details, is that with a lot, a little, or even no real experience a man can do well…that includes Asian men… and the best part is that whatever  your experience is, your WF will be happy to learn and share with you.

Perfection is Unattainable – The Mindset of Asian Men

Perfection is to be marvelled at, but at the same time it leads to our own demise.  While there are some abstract components like mathematics which have a very clear expression or answer, living a life of perfection is truly another story. Even I must admit I have grown up demanding perfection upon myself, when in fact it was not attainable. Some of it I will admit came from my Asian upbringing as well. Just like every Asian child I was placed in the typical piano lessons and extra schooling. Math became my strongest subject, and I never took a liking to the Humanities during my K-12 years. Now that I think of it, what made English and Social Studies so difficult was the fact that it did not come as natural as Math or the Natural Sciences. I had to feel something. What was that all about?

Perfection Described

I remember the stories of my Asian friends who have parents who get upset at their child’s grades because they were not 100%. Phrases like “Where’s the 4%?” would come up after their child received a 96% test result.  Other times it would be the demanding mother forcing her child to practice piano until the song was error free. Perhaps you could say back in the early days of China with Imperial Examinations, those who achieved the highest grades were often rewarded with the best civil servant jobs. From then on, they were set for life. While perfection is great for theoretical pursuits such as mathematics, statistics, or natural sciences, it cannot be the sole basis when dealing with people. This is especially important in AMWF relationships, and every other relationship for that matter.

This becomes a huge problem for situations that do not call for perfection. Let’s take a look at a few TCAI examples:

Feng is your typical Asian Technophile. He’s great with Math and Computers, but when it comes to social issues – he’s completely lost. Once his girlfriend, Steffi asked him what he felt about the upcoming student elections. Feng shrugged his shoulders.
The problem is two-fold. Feng has never encountered this situation before and has no idea how to respond. Second, he may want the perfect response, leading into an “analysis paralysis”.

Alvin, an academic overachiever, can also be thought as an Ambitious Archetype. Recently he placed second overall in academic standing, and thus losing the Valedictorian spot.
Of course this just an example, but often at times Asians tend to measure their success by being the best. While it is great to win and be the best, there is no win-win mentality for us Asians. Thus we become completely consumed with the obsession of perfection – to be number one.

Hyun-Soo is popular among his friends, being the group Comedian he can always crack a joke to make people smile. While relaxing at the local pool, Hyun-Soo is dragged by his friends to the deep end of the pool for some diving board excitement. Although Hyun-Soo is not the greatest diver, he employs his patented belly flop. After a gigantic splash, hilarity ensues.
The Comedians are usually the best when it comes to dealing with perfection. Instead of being perfect, they tend to do something completely opposite and funny. While it is effective, there is a possible shortcoming if they overuse their humour. Then the excitement is lost.

Don, an aspiring jazz musician, plays the double-bass in his jazz trio. Almost always at the spur of the moment, he has the urge to improvise. His band mates recognize it and follow along.
Perfection for an Individual type is less of an importance than excellence. They understand things cannot be perfect, but just go with the flow.

Aiming for Excellence

TCAIIt’s important to realize not everything can be treated in a black and white manner. This binomial nature of true and false, yes and no, does not always work for real life. Instead of aiming to become perfect, we should aim for excellence – always striving to do our best. It doesn’t matter if someone is better than us, but as long as we put in our best and learn from our mistakes, we’re bound to improve one step at a time. Take for example any sport: soccer, hockey, football, tennis, etc. There is bound to be a winner and loser. When you win, it’s easy – but when you lose it is even more difficult to deal with. As much as we would like a perfect score or record, it’s almost impossible naturally. Aim for your own best, and improve yourself each time. Usually the biggest culprits of perfection-obsession are the Technophiles and Ambitious. This is usually because of their conservative upbringing. This is the old-world mentality. Comedians and Individuals are more liberated and usually deal with perfection issues better. In case you forgot, I’ve included the two spectrum diagram to refresh your mind.

Regarding AMWF

When in a relationship with a White Female, as an Asian Male it would be almost a natural tendency to go through all the “what-if” situations and try my best to make each situation perfect. I’d have the date planned out, what clothes to wear, rehearse the motions in my head – but then forget about being there in the moment with her. What I mean by this is when you are intensely focusing on a future even or past event while being with your White Female, you tend to make her feel disconnected from you. This can be perceived as you are uninterested or upset at her – which is not at all what your intentions are.  So leave perfection at the door, smile, and realize you’re with an amazing woman who loves you. So be sure to reciprocate.

Why Do I Support the AMWF Relationship?

I get this question all the time. Why do you care so much about the AMWF relationship? Why do you care enough to help Asian men, and western women who are looking for relationships? What’s the motivation? It takes time, effort, and does not offer you much compensation, so what’s the deal?  You have to be thinking, it’s because you’re in a relationship with an Asian man right?  Or, you watch lots of k drams, anime, kung fu movies, and you are just a crazy lady with an Asian fetish?! Actually none of those are reasons why.

When it came to a relationship choice, for me I was always attracted to Asian men. It’s just my preference, but I never expected anyone else to feel the same way. When it came to a life style choice, a way of living, I just found that I liked what eastern cultures had to offer and again it was not something that I expected anyone else to agree with. It was just what I felt was right for me, something that I believed in, and something that I wanted to be part of. To me supporting the AMWF relationships means more then just supporting an interracial couple, but it’s about supporting tolerance and acceptance for one another.

I think that the eastern and western cultures can work very well together. Everything from the way you raise your kids, the foods you eat, the way you dress, behave, and live your life. It can all blend together so beautifully because we can take the best that both have to offer.What concerns me is that people still see race as a barrier when it comes to relationships, and it really should not be that way at all. Maybe there are lots of people who still and always will, use race as an excuse to not treat others with love and respect, but I won’t live my life like that. In my mind we are all humans and therefore no matter what color our skin, the way our eyes slant, or the where we live on this earth, we are all equal. I think we can be better, with more tolerance and understanding then the previous generations. We can all live and respect each other for our similarities and our differences.

So if you’re like me and you want your partner to be Asian that’s fine, If you’re an Asian man and you want to be in a relationship with a white women, that’s fine also.  In the end it all comes down to who you are as a person, and nothing else should really matter.

Men from Asia: Online and Long Distance Relationships Can they Work?

So you’ve been looking for that special someone and you, like millions of others, have turned to the internet for help. With the advent of social networking, and dating sites, it is now easier than ever before to meet someone. But I am sure you may have experienced at times how unstable, unrealistic, and unreliable, it can be. I know that it can be frustrating, and maybe you look at it as good practice, or an opportunity to build up your confidence. Maybe you see it as a learning experience, a way to practice approaching skills, and practice your English (if you are not already fluent in it). Maybe you partake in short flirtatious conversations, talk about your lives and what you may have  in common, and as long as things don’t get out of control, it can be a pleasant experience.  But as a man living in Asia, what choice do you really have to meet and communicate with white women? Often times within your own country you will have rare opportunities to meet western women, even if you live in larger more modernized cities in Asian.  So what choice do you have? Because if you’re looking for a women in the US, Canada, or Europe, the internet is really your only option. Unless you plan to make the decision to move there and start a new life, the internet is the next best thing.

As you navigate your way through the masses of people, maybe you have a method to narrow down your choice to the right type of people, or maybe you just randomly talk to any women that have cute pictures. But however you do it, I am sure you’re thinking in the back of your mind, can this really work out? Can I meet someone and actually make a long distance relationship work?  Do most women that I meet just want fun, or just want to be good friends, and would they even consider having a long distant relationship with me?Those are really good questions, and I think that it depends on the individuals. Some people just are looking for fun, online sex, and other unmentionable things. These types of people, you can tell their character after only a short conversation. If you’re generally interested in getting to know someone, then these people really should be avoided. Don’t waste your time on someone that it not interested in you for who you are as a person.

Dating and relationships online can be similar to the real life thing. You need to weed out the people that you are not interested in, and start getting to know the people that you think would be a good match for you. Yes it takes time, an investment, and effort, just like in none virtual relationship building.  But I don’t think it’s a waste of time, because if you are honest about yourself you can make some very meaningful relationships.

So, do I think meeting someone online can ever work? Yes I do, and here is how it can:

1. You need to share the same morals, values, and intellectual standards.

2. You need to be honest about yourself, wants, needs, habits, lifestyle choices and etc..

3. You need to be the type of individual who is dedicated to the ones you choose to care about, and treat those people with respect.

4. Be honest about the way you look, personal grooming habits, and etc..

Yes again, it’s just like in a non virtual relationship! You need to do the same things, but it’s just that you are not always there in person to be with them. If you can do this then I think you have a great chance of making a relationship work. Eventually things can become serious, and you will have to start meeting in person. Then there will come a time when you need to decide where you want to live, in which country, which will give up a job, leave family and friends, and all those kinds of issues.

So can online dating and relationships work? Yes they can! When we see them fail it’s because people are not honest, are not true to who they are, and you can not build a friendship or romantic relationship on that kind of mentality.

Passive Aggressive Symptoms in Asian Men

Growing up as an Asian child, I was taught it was completely normal to suppress my feelings. My fellow Asian peers were alike as well. Their parents pushed them to excel academically, without any emphasis on the development of social skills or leadership.  When there was something that made you upset, it was expected as a male that you remain calm and collected. The problem is that it meant that we usually bottled up all the events which made us annoyed or upset.

When the situation became unbearable, I’d often have my temper flare up because I felt that it was unjustified that all the past sequence of events that made me upset went unwarranted. It pushed me over the top and I needed a release. Sadly I used to do this all the time. What’s more disturbing is that I thought this behaviour was completely normal, but it is very unhealthy and unacceptable for an AMWF relationship.

The Silence of Approval and Displeasure

This is one of the most difficult things to understand between Asian and Western Culture. From what I have learned from Western Culture, silence is often associated with displeasure or saddening. Silence can be viewed as the closing of communication between two parties. When there is no active dialogue, there’s awkwardness in the air. There are also instances such as giving a moment of silence to express grief for a tragedy as well.

In Asian Culture, it is both approval and displeasure, and this gives many mixed signals to the White Female. Sometimes it is just approval like agreeing on something trivial like the sunny weather. Actually, we have a sound usually for approval.

She says: “It’s gorgeous outside.”

He says: “Mmm.”

In this case, his quick response in agreement is not expressing any displeasure at all. He simply enjoys your company and the sunshine. Identify a quick firm response to the situation. The tone can be slightly rising, but not excessively – for that is a more feminine response.  Keep in mind that is the positive or neutral sound of “mmm” there’s also an unhappy version of it as well.

There is also a slight twist to this. The way we express slight annoyance or displeasure is using sounds like “mmm” but in lingering lower tone. This is one of the sounds we use when we have to agree with our elders or when we get nagged by our parents. The key is to distinguish between the tone and length of the response.

I would believe our true objective as Asians is to embrace a kind of neutrality to it, a bringing of peace and calmness instead of complete happiness. Think of a Yin and Yang, it’s all about balance. Being overly happy is a rollercoaster ride of drama, while being excessively down makes you a bitter person. Thus, being completely at peace is consistently steady. We value that as Asians.

Catching Things Before They Go Nuclear

What’s important for the White Female to understand is to pick up on the subtle clues we leave about our displeasure. It is of course rude to say things directly, and we assume as Asian Men that you think the same way. Usually this is not the case. Problems start to pile up and then suddenly the Asian Male becomes visibly upset over something small, but it’s been a reoccurring problem.

Fortunately this can be worked on together. The White Female has to recognize and make an effort to reinforce the fact that it’s healthy for him to express his feelings, even if they are about unhappiness. Making things disappear today only places a bigger burden on the future.

For the Asian Males, we also have to do a better job to let our White Females know when we are upset. It does not mean raising our voices or any other physical uses, it is simply stating what happened and why it made you upset. Don’t worry she will understand and appreciate that you are making the effort to do so.

In summary, the severity is as follows:

Technophile – The biggest culprit of this usually because of communication skills. Has a decent tolerance for displeasure, but you have to take action to help him.
Comedian – Tends to let anger out the easiest by surrounding himself with people, and will find someone (if not you) to make him feel better.
Ambitious – Vicious. Situtations need to be diffused as soon as possible. Step in, empathize for the situation, but don’t shoulder the blame. He’ll be fine after everything subsides.
Individual – difficult to understand sometimes, but let him know you’re always available to talk, and he’ll seek you afterwards.

A Lack of Public Affection From Your Asian Man, What Does It Mean?

Most Asian families show love indirectly, and that includes love between everyone from husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, and kids. But I am sure you have noticed that the moment you step through the doorway into his parents house, he turns the affection and flirtations down to practically nothing. To a woman from a western society, that can seem really strange. In fact I often will make you ask yourself, what’s going on?

Now it’s not to say that in the west women show lots of affection to their boyfriend /fiancé /husband in front of parents or friends. Etiquette dictates that you should not do things like kissing, and other such extreme displays of affection in public. But you can hold hands, or put your arm around your loved one, and no one will have any issues with that. So when your Asian man does not hold your hand, or sit close to you, or even stay in the same room with you, especially the first time it just seems like something is wrong.

As a women, my first thought would naturally be that something is wrong. Maybe he is upset with me, maybe I did something wrong, maybe he is embarrassed of me? But don’t feel this way, because you handsome Asian man is just doing what he has learned. Try and understand that he is being the kind of son his parents are used to. That means you will have to deal with a little less outward affection while around the family, in public, around friends or etc.

Asian men are no different than any other. They want affection, love, sex and all that good stuff. But in Asian cultures, outside of the home, there exists a more wholesome appearance, one that implies that those kinds of things don’t happen. It’s a world of innocence, where no one holds hands, kisses, or any such things. Of course we know what happens behind “closed doors” but you don’t dare make reference to it in public.

When it comes down to it, I wouldn’t worry about his lack of affection to you around parents, friends, or etc. It doesn’t mean he loves you any less, it doesn’t mean he is any less interested in you, it just means he is being respectful to others and the culture around him.

How Long Has the AMWF Relationship Been Around?

I have always wondered how far back we can trace the origins of the AMWF relationship. At first I thought, it must be in the last 20 years or so, but I was wrong! Below is an example of an AMWF family from the 1800’s.

Mei Quong Tart (1850-1903) was a leading nineteenth century Aussie merchant from China. On 30 August 1886 he married a young English school teacher, Margaret Scarlett. Her family, although friends with Quong Tart’s, did not approve of the union and her father refused to attend the wedding.

I guess it’s been around much longer then I thought, and it looks like they had to face their share of disapproving parents as well.

The Asian Fetish – Part II

I was referred to an article by a fellow reader that pertained to the “Asian Fetish”. If you want to read the article, you can read it here. One of the lines that really struck me was how he described the fetish.

Typically, the issue arises when the assertive, independent Asian American woman (who is culturally not too different from her non-Asian peers) is expected to conform to the fantasy image of a mysterious, exotic and submissive Oriental female.

Although it does imply Asian Females, Moe’s article refers to both Asian Males and Asian Females. Really that’s exactly what makes it a turn off for both Asian Males and Females – the expectation of conformation to the fantasy. There is nothing wrong playfully once and awhile, but if we are almost demanded to do this every day, it makes Asian men uncomfortable.

 The premise of the article describes five traits that are commonly found with non-Asians that have a strong preference for Asians. He uses these five traits to presumably describe five types of people (may also be combinations) that have “intense” attraction to Asians. I use intense, to emphasize why it is called a fetish. I will give a theorized paring to each of the five traits. In a sense, I’ll use HSLA + TCAI to explain this a bit more.  Dyn Moe’s traits are as follows:

Sensitive nature or fragile ego

This is very much related to WMAF more than AMWF. If your society shunned you, but halfway across the world there are people worshiping your presence, you would definitely want to go there.

My theorized pairing: Humanitarian + Technophile. These are both good-natured, but quiet people. Someone very brash and outspoken is definitely not a turn on for this Humanitarian – thus she needs to relate to someone quiet and caring.

Know-it-all attitude

This also applies more to WMAF, but can to AMWF. In regards to the White Female, this is choosing a male who will submit and worship her. He will recognize that she has knowledge in Western Culture, and will appreciate everything she has to offer.

Lioness + Technophile would best represent this kind of pairing.

Verbally competitive

Actually when I think about this one, this is closely related to know it all attitude, but slightly different. While the know-it-all attitude wishes the Asian man to submit, being verbally competitive forces her Asian man into submission. This is more of a cultural thing as Dyn Moe describes how Asians try to diffuse conflict. By agreeing, the Asian male wants to maintain peace, despite the fact that he disagrees with her.

Socialite/Lioness + Technophile (starting to see a pattern?) – These two outgoing types tend to do the most talking.

Uncommon selfishness

In many cases, it is a great pride for Asian males to provide financially for their female interest.  Having a “me first” attitude requires someone who will attend to those needs. It’s to nobody’s surprise that being with someone who wants to play second fiddle will take that role. In Moe’s article he usually refers this to the WMAF as in the male being so self-centered. This is almost a scary signal to an abusive relationship.  It doesn’t have to be physically abusive, but emotionally, mentally, financially, or spiritually abusive.

Socialite/Lioness + Technophile (surprise!)

Tendency to externalize problems

This is one who blames society for their problems – for being such a misfit. This is not necessarily a bad trait, nevertheless is one stated by Moe. The problem is when the White Female idealizes Asian Men to be easily “Accepted and honoured” but as Moe suggests “forgets that people anywhere in the world do not like people who are mean, selfish, or arrogant.”

Advocate/Lioness + Technophile

The Asian Fetish

We have to remember this is the Asian Fetish and characteristics of people who possess the Asian Fetish. The fundamental reason for calling it an Asian Fetish is because the preferences arise from the “Fantasy” of how Asian Men are much less abrasive than their non-Asian counterparts – and possibly will spoil their women.  The reason why I used the Technophile archetype for every “theoretical example” is because they are considered to be the prototypical Asian Male. Of course we know that there are still three other types of Asian men who have been left out – only to never be considered.

Dyn Moe really only describes the Asian Fetish for the White Female seeking the “Fantasy” gentle, quiet, and introverted Asian male – but he leaves out the Comedian, Ambitious, and Individual archetypes. To tell you the truth, these three types are the ones with the White Fetish. Technophiles may not even know they are interested in White Females, and definitely will rarely make the first move to show interest. For the other three, they really do have interest in White Females -–and are not afraid to express it one way or another.

I would almost go as far to say even I have a White Fetish. There are countless times in my life I have been shunned and rejected by Asian Females – and usually immediately. It felt like they shut the door on me. As a result I tend to relate to Caucasian women more and more.

Fetishes are not necessarily a bad thing, but we have to distinguish between Fantasy and Reality. We don’t mind speaking phrases to you in our Asian languages, but we don’t want you to make us someone we are not. We certainly will love and care for you, but people remember we are human too. What I mean by this is the woman who demands her Asian man to wear some Asian costume to bed every night sends a clear message: RUN.

The Chrysanthemum and the Sword – Guilt & Shame

My latest inspiration comes from Ruth Benedict’s book describing the nature and behaviour of Japanese society during the Second World War. Even though this book was published in 1946, many ideas described in her book still exist. Perhaps they are not as evident, but the fundamental principles still remain. In most cases, when I was growing up, I learned how to behave by example and getting scolded by my parents. Television and school also played a major role in developing my character today. One of the things that struck me was the fact that Ruth Benedict’s description of the Guilt Culture as well as the Shame Culture.

Guilt

Now there are two types of guilt. One is defined by moral or penal law, the one where you plead guilty or innocent. The other is the internal feeling of responsibility or remorse for wrong doing. What is important about this is that guilt comes from within. Nobody makes you feel guilty but yourself. People may try to convince you to feel guilty, but ultimately you let yourself feel that way. With the Judaism and Christian influences in Western Culture, after experiencing guilt, we confess our errors and make amends. Of course if it severely violates legal and moral codes, that would result in more severe punishments. It is specific to the moment you made your error.

Shame

Christianity or other guilt-based ideals did not spread quickly to most Asian Nations. In contrast to the Western countries, a shame based society is more prevalent – In this sense, shame meaning the social implications when society has harmful knowledge of you, whether it is true or not. Think of bullying, when someone distorts information to be hurtful, the victim in shame based culture is severely wounded mentally and emotionally. What separates shame from guilt is that the feeling is both external and internal, while guilt is felt by the individual only. Shame is the general feeling of evaluating yourself based on how others would view you.

Comparing the Two

In addition to the distinction between guilt being the self, and shame an internalized interpretation of what society thinks of you, the two function differently.

When faced with a guilty verdict when you know you are innocent.
Guilt Culture – An individual will fight his innocence, for he did not do anything wrong.
Shame Culture – An individual will feel shame, regardless if it is true or not. Society has stained this individual and he has brought shame to his name and family.

When others do not know of what you did (or openly express it), yet you know you did something wrong.
Guilt Culture – Moral code and ethics will give you the realization of what you did was wrong, and you will feel remorse for it.
Shame Culture – If nobody knows about it, then no shame is brought. Life goes on.

Putting it together

Shame is a strong motivating tool in Asian culture because of the nature of the family system. To keep the children in order, a parent can exercise verbal dominance early to reinforce shame. Not only will they share with immediate family, they can also share the news to friends. The feeling of being ostracized or singled out is a miserable feeling for Asian men regardless of being raised in Asia or North America.

What does separate Asians raised in Asia from their North American counterparts is how well the internal guilt is developed. Much of this development comes from exposure to television, friends, school, and family. It is something learned and established. This is also what makes it disturbing, since this is a learned trait. If someone has not developed any ability to feel guilt, then the only way to measure up is to base yourself on what others think of you. Furthermore this is a serious issue for the White Female when you don’t feel remorse for your actions even though you have not been singled out, yet.

Just because you haven’t been caught (or reprimanded) yet does not mean you should keep doing it. While no culture is purely guilt or shame, but a combination of both, the East still tends to lead towards shame, while Western cultures will utilize guilt. We can all learn from each other, but be sure as the Asian Male to keep an open mind to your White Female. She is not there to make you feel ashamed of your faults; she wants you to be a better person.