Passive Aggressive Symptoms in Asian Men
February 21, 2011 34 Comments
Growing up as an Asian child, I was taught it was completely normal to suppress my feelings. My fellow Asian peers were alike as well. Their parents pushed them to excel academically, without any emphasis on the development of social skills or leadership. When there was something that made you upset, it was expected as a male that you remain calm and collected. The problem is that it meant that we usually bottled up all the events which made us annoyed or upset.
When the situation became unbearable, I’d often have my temper flare up because I felt that it was unjustified that all the past sequence of events that made me upset went unwarranted. It pushed me over the top and I needed a release. Sadly I used to do this all the time. What’s more disturbing is that I thought this behaviour was completely normal, but it is very unhealthy and unacceptable for an AMWF relationship.
The Silence of Approval and Displeasure
This is one of the most difficult things to understand between Asian and Western Culture. From what I have learned from Western Culture, silence is often associated with displeasure or saddening. Silence can be viewed as the closing of communication between two parties. When there is no active dialogue, there’s awkwardness in the air. There are also instances such as giving a moment of silence to express grief for a tragedy as well.
In Asian Culture, it is both approval and displeasure, and this gives many mixed signals to the White Female. Sometimes it is just approval like agreeing on something trivial like the sunny weather. Actually, we have a sound usually for approval.
She says: “It’s gorgeous outside.”
He says: “Mmm.”
In this case, his quick response in agreement is not expressing any displeasure at all. He simply enjoys your company and the sunshine. Identify a quick firm response to the situation. The tone can be slightly rising, but not excessively – for that is a more feminine response. Keep in mind that is the positive or neutral sound of “mmm” there’s also an unhappy version of it as well.
There is also a slight twist to this. The way we express slight annoyance or displeasure is using sounds like “mmm” but in lingering lower tone. This is one of the sounds we use when we have to agree with our elders or when we get nagged by our parents. The key is to distinguish between the tone and length of the response.
I would believe our true objective as Asians is to embrace a kind of neutrality to it, a bringing of peace and calmness instead of complete happiness. Think of a Yin and Yang, it’s all about balance. Being overly happy is a rollercoaster ride of drama, while being excessively down makes you a bitter person. Thus, being completely at peace is consistently steady. We value that as Asians.
Catching Things Before They Go Nuclear
What’s important for the White Female to understand is to pick up on the subtle clues we leave about our displeasure. It is of course rude to say things directly, and we assume as Asian Men that you think the same way. Usually this is not the case. Problems start to pile up and then suddenly the Asian Male becomes visibly upset over something small, but it’s been a reoccurring problem.
Fortunately this can be worked on together. The White Female has to recognize and make an effort to reinforce the fact that it’s healthy for him to express his feelings, even if they are about unhappiness. Making things disappear today only places a bigger burden on the future.
For the Asian Males, we also have to do a better job to let our White Females know when we are upset. It does not mean raising our voices or any other physical uses, it is simply stating what happened and why it made you upset. Don’t worry she will understand and appreciate that you are making the effort to do so.
In summary, the severity is as follows:
Technophile – The biggest culprit of this usually because of communication skills. Has a decent tolerance for displeasure, but you have to take action to help him.
Comedian – Tends to let anger out the easiest by surrounding himself with people, and will find someone (if not you) to make him feel better.
Ambitious – Vicious. Situtations need to be diffused as soon as possible. Step in, empathize for the situation, but don’t shoulder the blame. He’ll be fine after everything subsides.
Individual – difficult to understand sometimes, but let him know you’re always available to talk, and he’ll seek you afterwards.
AMWF Love 
In this article u mention that they supress they feelings but I have to ask is it common that they will supress they needs as well and that creates the anger as well?
Hey Alex.
To clear up what I am talking about is more along the situation where they feel what was done on them was unfair. If what you mean are social needs like when he’s always trying to be accomodating and the woman never really cares and acts selfishly all the time, then yes, it builds up some anger/frustration.
The problem with Asian Males is that sometimes they don’t make it clear when they are unhappy, and when they show it, the situation is out of hand – thus it gets messy afterwards.
A big problem is that they get loved and cared for so much by their mother, they can sometimes end up expecting the same out of all women. This of course is unfair to women. As a female, what you can do for your Asian Male is to be very patient, warm, and caring. You are not here to threaten his existence and you clearly have to reinforce your feelings for him. Communication is really the key here. Regardless of ethnic origin, we all still want to be loved and cared for.
– Brian
This I have experienced first hand, and it is something that as a couple we always need to work on. Sometimes I just can’t tell what my Asian man is thinking because he can often seem passive about things. When he approves of things, he does not say much. When he disapproves, it may be a 50/50 chance that he will say anything at all. It’s kind of like he is a silent observer until some thing really gets him excited or mad. This has its good and bad points, but it makes it hard to sometimes understand what he is feeling. It requires me, (as a WF) to step up and make him talk about it, and to keep the lines of communication open and active.
I also agree that Asian men do get loved and cared for so much by their mother that they can sometimes end up expecting the same out of all women. I sometimes experience this in terms of exceptions as to how the relationship should function. For example, he would love it if I took care of everything in the home such as cooking, cleaning and etc. But I often have to remind him that we are in a relationship that is about equality. So if I am expected to cook, clean, and work a job, I expect him to do that same.
As a western female, it’s a good idea to be patient, warm, and caring. You need to keep communicating because you can often loose track of things that way, and feeling can get hurt. The more you communicate, the better he will be able to understand your needs, and understand the dynamics of a more westernized relationship.
-Laura
Well I was talking about when they try to be accomedating and you cant really see what is ok and not and then u end up beeing accused to be the selfish one.It is like I have to read minds.I had this exactly problem with one western asian that I tried to get close to but now we have ended up just as close friends.Quite recently we talked on the phone for 14hours in one go and we covered everything that happend in the past between us but still nothing changes.I still dont understand his needs and actions.Of all my friends he would be the least one that I know what he needs and wants. I dont want relatshanship with him what so ever but he has definatly made me realise lots of stuff about me and what I need and how I work.It is one of the reason Im reading your blog :)The supression part is something that I do try to understand because Im the opposit to that and it never works good with my personality.
I absolutely agree with the writer of this post. I love Asians periods, and hope to fall in love and to be love by a beautiful Asian Man. A women, we are very liberated in our thinking and rightfully so, but it pays BIG TIME to listen and to pay close attention.
In fairness to all I am not white and the colour does not matter, it is how we treat one another as lovers soul mates, partners are friends. And that requires us to delve into the others culture and to appreiate and maybe not to agree with every aspect but to respect and be openminded concerning all matters.
Thank you for posting
Thanks for your post Jean.
I find that most sources of information online only provide a small glimpse of AMWF relationships. In most cases it pertains to how to find and attract White Females and vice versa. Of course there is a lot more to AWMF relationships than just that. I do my best to bring all the cultural and social issues forward – the real things in a relationship.
You are right that it shouldn’t matter about ethnic origin, but unfortunately not everyone has that viewpoint. At least we try to move society forward, one step at a time. 🙂
– Brian
Hi Brian
As a woman of colour I have a question for you? How do Asian men feel overall about other races, e.g, Black American females ?
My reason for asking is because I would like to be in a relationship with an Asian Man, and I am willing to meet him halfway culture wise. I know it depends on the individual but at least can you provide a glimmer of what to expect should this dream manifest? Sorry to make you sound like “dear Abby”
Jean
Hi Jean,
As far as I know, it is really no different than a White Female. However I would mention that the Old World people have more problems with Caucasians because of historical reasons such as the Opium War. China, just like Africa was sectioned up by the Western Nations.
From my viewpoint I speak from a Canadian standpoint, and we do not have any real problems with Black Females. From my city the majority of them are from Jamaica or Trinidad, and some from Africa. So with an even smaller population base of Black Females from where I live in, the probability of an AMBF relationship is very slim. Though I have seen Black Males very fluent in Chinese, and I am quite impressed.
This is really going down to which type of Asian Male you would like to be with. Ones from Asia generally are more inclined to be Technophiles – possibly due to upbringing and language barriers. Asians raised here in Canada and the United States tend have a mix of the TCAI spectrum. I would say the two most open to a Black Female would be the Comedian and Individual. The Comedian can probably relate the most to Black Culture – sometimes borderlines there too. They may pay attention to simple things like the music or basketball. Individuals don’t see people for color, but they have an extensive criteria (very well educated) for it to be viable. Mind you Individuals are very rare.
Technophiles can be very shy and will definately not give you the right initial signals to tell you that they are attracted to you or not. Ambitious ones love being worshipped, but it’s difficult to determine if they are really serious or not.
If you don’t want to be with a Western Asian, then if you go to Asia, you will be silently expected to integrate into society if you plan to stay there. For the White Female it can be a daunting task, because they are completely giving up their own identity, much to what women had to fight for half a century ago.
I think it totally is possible, but the road is very long and difficult.
– Brian
To those who have been with asian & white men (Ahem, Laura….), I’m just wondering what’s your experience has been like with asian and white men. My parents and a white married female (to a white dude) friend advised me to find someone who is “similar” (she probably was thinking race but just did not say it) so as americanized asian man,so I’m just wondering what’s makes the difference between me and a white dude next door?the way we behave, how we treat women, or even financial, maybe? I really have no idea…..
I know we are talking specific things on the website but how about the bigger picture?
What’s makes you different from the white dude next door to a WF?
1.Exotic look
2.Family values and commitment
3.Work ethic/ career
4.Manners ( yes towards women also)
Really though , she most likely wants to experience culturally something different and has an interest in Asian cultures
-Laura
Laura,
So you’re saying that WF will see me as an AM first before my personality ?
As humans we always see the outside first, its just the way it is, so naturally she will. She will then want to get to know you as a person. It may stop some women from wanting to find out more about you, or it might cause her to want to know you better. Your guess is as good as mine. This is not exclusive to the AMWF relationship although, its just how we are as humans, first impressions are important.
Appearance is more of a threshold or cutoff than anything. This includes grooming, wardrobe choices, mannerisms, or how you present yourself.
This is pretty much our first line of defense. If you don’t pass this, then you will get an automatic no. After appearances, then it moves onto actually conversation/interaction. It doesn’t matter if she’s a White Female or another nationality, this is pretty much the same across the board.
– Brian
Thanks Laura! That was really helpful!
Brian-
That tip was great! But, do you think we are held accountable to the common manners standard as general population in the States or Canada? or do you think there is double standard for us? what are your thoughts?
It really depends on the situation. Meeting someone in a group situation during the night time calls for a different approach than a pre arranged one on one date.
The basis of it is just to pass the “creep/jerk test”.
Does he look like a creep? If no, continue.
Does he act like a creep? If no, continue.
Do I think he’s a jerk? If no, then consider him a nice person.
A White Female also is very selective of her White Male counterparts, even they don’t pass the test. What’s important for Asian Men is not to fear about the perfect situation. There is no perfect timing, you just have to go for it and take the chance. If it doesn’t work out as planned, then take the prior mistakes as feedback to what you need to do to improve. Often as Asian Men we’re just stuck in the situation where we don’t even make the attempt to do something.
As for the double standard, you can make it work in your favour. First because you are Asian, you can stand out right away. You’re not some random White Guy – they know it’s you. So if you can show your willingness to be confident (ant not arrogant), expressive, and a clear direction in life, it places you in a good position already. Remember the success rates are not like 90% or something, it does take significant trial and error, but you have to be willing to be turned down (sometimes often).
It’s really important that you know what you want as an Asian Male, beacuse there are many types of females out there, and you have to decide which one you truly want to be with.
– Brian
I have a question Brian,is there anything diffrent in the behavior when u court an asian lady from a white one.I mean do they somehow behave diffrently and u know then that they are intressted.Logicly in west it should be the same thing if u aporoach any women u kind of will get that they are intressted 🙂 Im thinking maybe there can be some missunderstanding and u pass each other.
Hi Alex,
There theoretically should be no difference between courting a White Female in comparison to an Asian Female. Of course there are some language or cultural things that are already understood which makes it easier for an Asian Female to relate, but Asian Males still use the same approach. The real difference is probably anything socio-economic – but that’s the same even for Caucasians. Courtship is the period of dating exclusively before marriage. In this time, the female has already met the parents, and they are regularly seen together in public events.
From my understanding I see it as:
Hanging Out – Just casually being together, maybe out for coffee – could be like friends.
Seeing Each Other – Fairly casual, no regular meetings with vague interest. Could be because both are career minded and have very hectic schedules. There is little physical involvement, and this is usually still “unofficial”
Dating – Seriously spending time together and officially acknowledging being a couple.
Courting – Intentions with marriage involved. Sometimes this is more of an older term, with the usage of chaperones.
When an Asian guy shows interest usually it isn’t as aggressive, and it seems as if he’s almost uninterested (yet he can be). It is kind of silly, but if he does have interest, he’s usually sort of uncomfortable. This is not a bad thing, it’s just that he’s afraid of losing a potential friend permanently by confessing his feelings. Some Asian guys do make the first move only to get rejected and they begin to lose confidence in themselves.
Of course there is a distinction between if you are looking for someone to marry or just to have fun with. If he’s interested, he will probably try three methods:
1. Tell you flat out he has the hots for you.
2. Try to be your friend first and hope it develops into something more.
3. Get scared and do nothing.
And for TCAI:
Technophile – Probably won’t muster up the feelings, but you can probably read him that he is interested. He’s going to ask his friends for opinions.
Comedian – Will probably try to break the ice and make you laugh
Ambitious – Knows what they want, and they go for it, sometimes it can feel a bit aggressive, some people like it though.
Individual – Probably will compliment or be courteous to you, but doesn’t flat out says he’s head over heels for you. He’s probably hoping you respond back to him and give him a clue that you are actually interested.
If you are already with your Asian Male, met his parents, and have their approval, then you have nothing to worry about.
– Brian
Hi again, sorry its me here all the time but I have lots of questions :)You have covered diffrent types of Asian men but how about identety of Asian men raised in West.See my expirience beeing a forigner in my county and meeting other foreigners is that not that many manage that good according to my taste.What I mean by that is that many of forigners either go strictly by they country and become extreme or go the opossit direction and lose everything from they culture that is good.The sad part is that they also pick up bad part from the culture they are raised in.So like in Sweden the drinking culture is big and of course that would be what they will pick up :)And when I say forigner I dont mean people just moved in but more they kids.Would that be the same for Asian men in West?How do they conbine west and east?
That’s correct Alex. We incorporate both Eastern and Western values. Think of it as going to school Western, but learning Eastern at home for the most part. So we have a duality to our lives. Depending on the parents, they may choose to go more East or more West – neither of which is wrong, but a personal preference. There are two primary factors which influence an Asian Male: Family and Friends.
The parents usually dictate which school they will attend, where they live, etc. If they are placed in an Asian school chances are they will stay more Eastern (if the others stay with Asian Culture). Friends also play a significant role as well.
At the end of it, we just live with both East and West and embrace it. We pick up both good and bad things from each culture, but it doesn’t mean we are not bad people because of it. 🙂
– Brian
Yes I know that Asian guys will live with both 🙂 I have two cultures as well, but I was more thinking of in terms of dubble standards.People preaching about one thing but then doing something else.Any way I guess its complecated to explain what I mean and then have discussion on a blog about it.
Hmm, now that you have clairified it a bit more this is very much what passive aggression can be. Yes this happens all the time, and I have been guilty of doing this before. What you usually will experience is that they aren’t upset with the situation, they can act like they don’t care when inside they are fairly upset about the situation. They will let the single incident slide, but if it becomes repetitive it does get annoying because as Asian Men we expect you to have a conscience and mystical mind reading abilities that we do not like it. 🙂
I’ll give you an example, with one of my former dance partnerships we were at a level where talent alone was not sufficient to succeed. It would require at least 4 nights a week minimum of training, but it would end up being 1 night a week (or less) together while I spent the other 3 nights at the studio on my own. It was always a similar excuse, “gotta see my boyfriend to have fun” or “i’d rather have fun partying”. Of course out of respect I let it slide and bit my tongue. I felt I gave her a lot of respect, but she did not return it.
After many poor results in competitions, she began to blame me for our poor performance. Boy was I upset. Consequently I was not pleased with her attitude and was completely baffled that my efforts went unappreciated. I swiftly terminated the partnership.
I too was passive agressive, and it is a very common thing for Asian Males to have, almost to the point where we think it’s normal. Many times we have to bite our tongue and do what our parents tell us to do. We are often innately taught to bottle it all up – often our release of frustration ends up being video games. Sometimes we enjoy it, but for others they feel there’s nothing else to connect with – so they seek refuge there.
– Brian
I am too guilty of this. Should we do any different? Do you think we need to “fix” ourselves?
What’s important is that we as Asian Men need to say something when there is a problem. There’s a difference between describing the situation and venting aggression. If you bottle it up, it just builds until it is unmanagable.
While they may have done something you do not like, it’s not fair for them to feel the wrath of months of small issues stored up. That’s why communciation is so important with a White Female. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but you have to let her know you’re always trying to become better at it. She will appreciate it very much. Sometimes you need to lean on her for help – and it’s perfectly fine.
– Brian
I have to comment here on the passive agression because I think here it can sometimes be missunderstanding.See how I was raised is pretty much by traditional parents.Father would be tough on you and to make him happy u have to be good at everything and failure is never an option.Mother would be kind but she ends up doing everything and of course she was what I would consider passive agressive because she would bottle up and then explode.Now further more like typicle traditional women she would nag and there was never a way to make her happy.What ever u did she would make u feel like failure.Now what is left is to turn to father because all u have to do is work hard.If he was proud he will let u escape mothers naging and doing dishes,also from working hard lots of freedom was given,like staying out whole night if I wanted.Now later in life u grow up to assosiate certain behavior with something that is based on your childhood.So for me beeing agressive and up front plus working hard equals father beeing happy and proud of u,freedom.Passive agressive equals mother seeing u as a failure,naging that is opossit to freedom.Generaly I would say that if a guy would behave passive agressive I would assosiate that with beeing traped in a hell realationship.Also from mother I learned that this type of people u can never make happy so u dont try anyway.U just put up with they agression when it comes out and life continues.Now I do get that Asian men are passive for diffrent reasons then my mother but still its hard to change your assosiation.I simply wouldnt go and think oh he was beeing respectful not bringing up that he was upset.I would feel Yes like mother never happy,trying to blame me and trap me,expect me to read minds.Yes Im a failure,didnt see that u were not happy,I let u bitch about it and not say anything so I can have my peace.I dont represent all white female but maybe some Asian men can get why some of us women would hate having passive agressive men.
When you talked about one word answers/grunts as responses in men…
For me, it’s the opposite!
My Chinese boyfriend is usually the one who is remarking in wonderment at everything, and I’m standing there saying ‘Yes, dear’ or ‘Mmm’.
How funny. Although I’m not very articulate, I’m a very good listener and I guess I can be firey and extremely talkative when I want to be, but I mostly like to enjoy the silence. I’m guily of one word answers. Even my female friends are nattering away, I’m thinking ‘can you please breathe in between sentences?!’
Often wanting complete solitude. I’d rather sit and watch the sunset with my love and simply see, touch, smell and listen to everything around us, rather than try to think up what to say next. I express myself better through actions and gestures better than words. Sometimes it makes me feel like I have a man’s outlook. But I don’t mind. Talk is cheap. Hehe.
Hey Holly,
My question to you is: which language do you primarily communicate in? Chances are if it is in Chinese or their Native language, they tend to open up and express more. When English is not their first language, then we run into a huge communication gap when English is involved.
I think it’s great that you enjoy the solitude – the peace and balance in life. Being overly jovial to an extreme is also equally has harmful as being consistently depressed or bitter. Your emotions tend to ride it out like a rollercoaster experiencing great highs and brutal lows when you are not well balanced emotionally. This also applies to the couple dynamics as well. Usually it’s beneficial if they balance each other out overall, so there tends to be one very talkative person and one who is an excellent listener. Thanks for commenting Holly!
– Brian
I’m sorry gonna leave a long responses. I’m a puerto rican gal (spanish/black/italian mix)(or afro-latina & multicultural). Like most puerto ricans i’m proud of my ethnicity & heritage almost to proud. I’m 24 years old & don’t have a lot of dating experience. I’ve been in one serious relationship with a hispanic male. Before him i mostly & almost exclusively dated white men. My mother on the other hand dated mostly black men. She didn’t quite understand why i prefer white men so greatly compare to others. Even though she raised mt to judge a character first race dead last. I do admit refusing black men because they were black. Dating white men because they were white. I convince myself & family it was preference not prejudice that fuel my attraction. But i remeber making statemenst like “white men are taller & latino are to short” or “black men fetish over my racial mixture & white men are so accepting.” Even though i knew white men also fetish on a gal like me. But was less negative attitude verse black men.
It wasn’t until i dated my last bf who was latino but lighter skin did i realize how foolish i was when it came to ir dating. His mother dislike me mostly because i wanted him to be more independent. But she also did not like the fact i was an afro-latina. She never stated but attitude wise made it very clear. We broke up after 3 years. Between visiting him (long distence);dealing with his mother & tired of his passive aggressive attitude it was over. I told myself “stick to white men for now on?” I never had a problem with white men & their families so why bother to date any other. Secretly i also like asian men & always been curious. Where i live i’ve met maybe two asian men in my life time. One being my anuts husband (filipino) & a happa japanese/white mix kid i went to school with. My only other exposure to asian men is through chinese maritial art movies from the mainland. Russel wong; jackie chan &jet li. Asian men or at least chinese & filipinos are quite masculine verse the sterotypes.
Started listening to kpop & jpop. I was intrigue so jaded. So my next step is to explore the idea of dating an asian male. Knowing me i would compare them to white men. Well i google like hell & realize many asian male seem to only ‘prefer’ white females. Even though i’m mixed with white & my best friend is white (girl)i don’t socially (issues) identify to that culture of women but more to black &/or latino. I could find tons of sites cater to AM/WF. But hardly AM/BF & when it came to AM/HF i struggle. Most of it was focus on mexicans or south americans & i don’t come from that latino culture. (us ricans are really that proud) Crazy doesn’t make any sense but its no differ between koreans disagreeing with japanese of racial/heritage identities. Both maybe asian but generalization is so disrespectful. I felt when ever a blogger who mostly dates white or white themselves racially neutralize the experience of non-white & asian ideals of others who wish to date asians. Give a PC answer “its all about the person.”
Hi Alexis,
I’m sorry if you feel alienated by the fact that AMWF Love focuses Asian Male and White Female relationships, however it would be contradicting to speak from a Hispanic or Black background seeing that Laura is Caucasian and I am Asian myself. Our intention was not to segregate groups, but to use a more introspective approach to discuss the societal, cultural, and emotional issues of an Asian and a Western Woman.
By no means does this blog limit an Asian Male White Female relationship, and other combinations are indeed encouraged. This blog is meant as a resource for sharing knowledge and experiences, and not to alienate or segregate others. Hopefully in time there will also be official resources for AMxF relationships.
In the words of Margaret Cho: “I am considered a minority and if you are a woman, if you are a person of color, if you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, if you are a person of size, if you are person of intelligence, if you are a person of integrity, then you are considered a minority in this world.”
– Brian
I feel is truly false because i; convice myself of those same things.Tagging characteristics to a certain ethnic group to justify why a like x vs y. I was going the same route as i did for dating white men. Those who protest that it is just preference & felt entitle to only use it knowing its a bs excuse or to blinded to see the hidden prejudice behind the need to exculde. Yet judge others harshly who disagree with their idea of ir unions. Its like playing double edge sword & my self esteem was being beaten. I began to think that asian men truly find ethnic non-white & asian women extremely unattractive. I was feeling the seeds that i sow for years disliking black men & having only eyes for white men. I was just like them a total foolish hypocrite. I couldn’t agree with ir daters who suffer the preference complex. I began to think deeply & find the root of were exculsion comes from in ir dating. That’s when i discover a self hate & prejudice that many would deny.
I dated white men because they’re the elite; the kindest & only type of man i was willing to explore. These feelings are not genuine but a sad cry for acceptence of a society that has taught me to hate and divided. Even in the liberal ideal of ir dating WHITE IS STILL RIGHT. If i date asian it would be horrific & racial draining experience. In this fear i’ve seen myself in a different light. To exclude is wrong to say ‘perference’ is false. I need to focus on the person & not seek out a fanatsy. Realistic base on statistic a white male is the match. But my mother said don’t be a statistic be yourself. Im not against sites like yours & others alike but neither can i say its a healthy vision of romance & dating. I know you like white women but would you turn down a black women or someone like me bacause i didnt ‘fit’ your ir perference? You began to questions your values/morals once its put to a test. I wasn’t ready to date asian. I’m still hung up on prejudice even though i wolf cry preference.